Tell Me the Truth

 I'm still wondering now… As I look here at you, if the things you say to me are really all that true. Are all the kisses you give me real? Is every single "I love you" the truth... is every smile I see just a figment of my imagination? I'm still wondering as I lay beside you now.

I want to believe every word that you say to me. I want to be able to return to a world sublime. I want to know that I can be safe here... My sanctuary from the world... Form everything chaotic that rages on, both in and outside of the body I reside in. I want to know I'm not sleeping in a dream... Or as I refer to it, this nightmare.

Am I being used? Could you tell me the truth and not lie through your teeth. Through that beautiful smile that is ever so entrancing and ever so lovely.

I wish I could cry. Let it all out, you know? I think I'd feel so much better. I think I'm still experiencing that initial shock... I know it'll hit me soon. I feel so much inside of myself right now. I feel anger... I feel betrayal. But most of all, I think I feel lost. I feel like a mess... I feel broken apart and not whole, like usual. I feel like a puzzle piece is lost... you. I feel like I lost you.

Should I feel this way? Is everything I'm experiencing right now... Every beat of the heart... every skip of my soul from one spot to another... Is this all in futile circles just to return back to the start where I didn't know anything? Am I going to learn it all soon? Will it all become apparant to me soon? Because I'm still wondering. I'm still sitting here wondering.

Is what my mom says true? Am I jut your toy. Is this serious or not? I want to know. I want to know so badly that I feel as if if I don't get my answers soon, I may explode from all this running around in circles of unknown. Tell me if this is still right or if this is, as they say, useless progress. Are we standing with our backs against a wall with no where to go? Is there a trap door set yet?

I want to believe that I'm still safe in your arms. I want to believe that with every kiss, my heart is mending. I want to believe that with every beat of my heart, we are getting better and the pieces are being put back and that I will be whole again. i wonder, had I not done that... Would is have become true? Would someone else have your heart and not me? You know I only want you to be happy, no matter what it is that you choose...

But I need to know, are you still happy? Are you still trapped in this endless bliss... Or am I putting myself through this for nothing. Will you drop me soon? At the beat of your heart... In a split second... Could I be thrown away like so many times before? I want to know. I just want to know.

But, I'm afraid to ask. My lips won't move in that direction to spell out my questions that are to be left unasnwered. My voice is harsh.. My throat is dry... And everything that is happening with my body is going against my better inhibitions. I want to fess up to it. I want to say these things on my mind to you... I want you to know that I'm hurt. That I am genuinely hurt and that I have never felt so hurt before. That knowing you'd do something like that hurt me more than anyone because I love you. Because I really do honestly love you and I want nothing more than to know that you truly do love me too... That you won't hurt me.. ever again. That I don't have to worry.

But this beast... This monster in my heart that holds me back from asking... While, at the same time, begging me to let me liquify these words and throw them up...It won't let me breathe. it won't let me sleep. it won't let me dream, but rather, it let's me lie awake at night, and have nightmares while I lie, face up, glittering eyes to the ceiling, unknown to the world and unknown to you... This chaos in my head.... These pangs of torture in my heart.

Let me know I won't lie like that anymore. Let me know that you're true. let me know you'll stay true. Perhaps this trust will mend eventually... I hope so. i don't want to live my life wondering "what if". I've lived it like that for too long and I can't stand to live it like that anymore. No, please.... Don't send me back to my mind. Don't let me drift back into this slumber where my only comfort are the voices in my head, telling me that life isn't worth it.

Life is worth it when you're here. But, I wonder... Is it worth it anymore? Are you here or somewhere else? have you been somewhere else all along... have I been leading this along with my eyes blinded to betrayal... Or did I not need to worry about it... Was I able to trust you... Trust in you to lead me into paradise rather than hell... rather than a trap to let my heart bleed in your hands... I'll watch you do it.

I'd rather you break my heart than anyone else. Because then at least I'll know...

I won't live long after that.

Author's Note

Story picture found at: http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42401000/jpg/_42401936_couple-_mist.jpg

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[Tiny Moments]

Keep your head up. Devon loves you. Don't take his love for granted