Contradiction

Contradiction

A Story by Aurora (MC)
"

Sins and boons... FICTION PLEASE REVIEW THIS ONE!

"

“Zoan ! Leave my, you’re hurting.” I writhed as my wrist felt immense pain in his tight grip.

“Who was he!” He snarled at me.

“Why should I tell you? Who the hell you are!” I struggled the words out. He banged me on locker doors, “You never realized how much I loved you, he’s a curse to manhood.” His fingers were around my neck, with each breath; his cold fingers were pressing deeper choking me. “Look at you, you’ve fallen for a gay. You could’ve stopped him… See he got me bleed.” His words haphazardly went into my ears and I struggled to breath. “You’re not a man!” I resisted.

“Excuse me! What are you two doing here in this dark end huh?” My vision was blurring by then but the voice was familiar though, I had no strength left to recognize it and then the shadows covered into dark, I saw nothing after that.

 

I woke up inside a bright room, most of the things were just white. White curtains, white walls, ceiling, white marbled floor and I too lied on a bed with white bed sheet and a white man in white coat asked me, “How’re you feeling now?”.

As soon as I regained my consciousness I tried to recognize things, “Oh! The doctor’s room!” I exclaimed.

“Sounds like you’re fine now, Evan carried you here.” The doctor pulled out some papers in disappointment, “You got a nerve badly damaged on your right wrist, it’s hard to say how long it’s going to be numb and I’m more excited to know that how did you got your wrist twisted so badly?” He lifted his spects.

“Can I get some water?” I demanded, to distract the enquiry. I didn’t want to tell them that it was just Zoan’s Rage. He’s my ex-boyfriend but I think there’s still a little left between us.

 

In the class, things went silent as I stepped in. No one knew what happened to me nor anyone bothered asking. And I was absolutely fine with that.

“Did you tell them?” Evan whispered. He took his seat beside me.

“Thanks” I didn’t look into his eyes.

“You should have… This is not the answer to my question Edla!” He was louder.

“Why should I keep answering your questions! Why I should have done what you people think is right?” I screamed with all my strength.

“He’s a tormentor! Don’t you realize what he had done to you all these years. You think he’d be sorry and it’d melt his heart when he sees you in pain like he does every time after scratching you everywhere and bruising you.” He was louder.

“You’re a gay!” I screamed again. Now I was aware about the eyes curiously watching on us.

“It’s Homosexuality! I’m not a tormentor. This was just horrible.” He kissed on my forehead. Suddenly the surrounding was noisy rustlings but the heat was gone.

 

Now everyone was sure that I broke up with Zoan but to be honest, I wasn’t sure about that myself. But since then I was quiet sure that I’m falling for this man, half man and half woman, Evan was a  gay man. Ah! Confusing but my consciousness was still pushing me towards Evan but how’d I do that? Zoan wasn’t the right person but Evan wasn't a whole manhood, how could I? I was in dilemma until I lost my hope that Zoan would ever return to the college and eventually with the bruises he lost the mark in my life and then I chose Evans as a person to share the rest of my life with. I couldn’t care his homo-sexuality, just because we were happy together I never felt to peep back into the past.

 

One day, back to home from office, I felt someone followed me and it was clear when I got into the metro. The man putting down his coat and hat stood in front of me. “Zoan!” The memories flashed and I couldn’t resist me staring back at him. We got off on the same station. 

“After years…” He uttered.

“Yes after years, how are you?” I interrupted.

“So are you married?” He asked hoping I haven’t.

“Evan”

“I still love you. Do you?” He interrupted; he didn’t want to hear the rest.

“I do.” I had no idea, this was going to come out. I bit my lips with embarrassment.

“Why didn’t you try to contact me?” He asked.

“Why should I’ve?” I felt the wetting corners of my eyes.

“Yeah! It was my fault. Is Evan nice?”

I didn’t want to answer this, “I think you should be going.” And we diverged on our ways.

 

Next day, it happened again, I met him, he was even more desired to talk to me. And this kept happening for about a year and till then I’ve started taking less interest in my relationship with Evan. On the other hand I was waiting to get Zoan back into my life, the separation was unbearable I couldn’t keep this a secret anymore and life with Evan was suffocating but he never complained, he remained as he always was, calm and caring.

 

On our 5th anniversary, Evan waited for me at home. I was getting back from work and as always Zoan was there again but he was different that day. There was a battle in his eyes and pain on his face. An unusual hope was radiating.

“I want you back!” He revealed his repressed emotions.

Without a thought of anything else, I hugged him and we got off at another station, I made my mind to go with him and successfully we did. We moved into Texas where Zoan had his automobile business. We got married and I was pregnant a year later.

 

9 months later, after a painful labor I gave birth to a beautiful child. Zoan and I were curious to know whether it was a baby boy or a baby girl.

“Mr. Zoan, I have something to tell you, would you please?” The doctor went out with Zoan. I was lying on the bed and seeing the nurse wiping my baby. And wrapping in a white cozy cloth.

“He isn't a boy.” Zoan said when he came back.

Something was wrong, I sensed before he clearly told me what happened.

“Another human with Homosexuality.”

Hearing this I was devastated, suddenly the memories of Evan surged in my brain. “We’ll have him.” I said.

“Yes he’s our child, we’ll have him.” Zoan pressed my palm in his, he agreed.

Suddenly an old nurse got into my cabin, “Are you Zoan?” she asked.

“Yes here!” Zoan stood up.

“Here’s a letter for you.” she handed a letter and went away.

 

In the letter:

 

“Take care of my wife and son.

With best wishes,

Evan”

 

Zoan read it aloud for me and each letter was stabbing in me. We enquired about the nurse but no such woman worked there. We were unsure about everything and went back home with the new human in my arm.

 

“What would we name him?” Zoan asked before we stepped out of the car.

“Evan” I said.

“Yes that’d be a nice name.” Zoan hesitated but then agreed.

And together we stepped into our home, to create a beautiful world for our little Evan.




© 2019 Aurora (MC)


Author's Note

Aurora (MC)
Don't know what I was up to. I feel strongly in dilemma about the conclusion. Sometimes stories come out without a purpose...don't have any idea on what purpose I wrote this up. It just stuck my mind yesterday afternoon and this afternoon I completed it, I have no idea about the strong desire to write such a FICTION.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW ME!!!

My Review

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Featured Review

Really powerful story, and tricky subject matter, but it suffers from formatting problems.

A bit more attention to the way the words are laid out on the page would go a very long way here. It's important to make sure you create clear distinctions between sections where different characters are in focus, such as with dialog.

Just as a quick example:

"Hey John," Betty said, and John smiled. "How are you?"

For most readers, the assumption here will be that Betty said "How are you?" because it's on the same line as a dialog tag we can clearly associate with her.

A simple tweak makes it perfectly clear:

"Hey John," Betty said.
John smiled. "How are you?"

The reason I think it's so important that you take the time to make sure your fiction is properly formatted is that you write such interesting stories, and I think some people miss the point because they have trouble parsing those parts. I think your perspective is unique and valuable, so I want to make sure your words are coming across.

Regarding your Author's Note: From my perspective, depending on what your goals are, it's fine to write fiction that doesn't have a clear purpose. Especially with a piece like this, the value can simply be in getting people thinking and talking.

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Aurora (MC)

1 Month Ago

As I said suggestions are welcome, thank you so much. I'll definitely look into all the points you'v.. read more



Reviews

I love to see you writing more stories. With practice, you will become better & better. This story feels a little mixed up to me. It took me a minute to differentiate between Jack & Evan . . . in places, not sure which was the one being called "gay" . . . this could be fixed by introducing your characters early in the story, giving us some distinguishing characteristics, so we could identify them thru the story. For example, if a gay person is symbolized by wearing "rainbow" maybe Jack could have a rainbow earring or something, and when she looks at him, she sees this earring -- telling the reader that the guy is gay without having to state it as bluntly as you have.

In this story, you tell us that Jack is gay, but this is expressed in a mean & nasty way, like being gay is about the worst thing that could happen to a person. Nobody in the USA would dare to speak of gay people in such a derogatory way. This story would be very offensive to gay people & those of us who love gay people without that love being something weird or questionable. This story has a very old-fashioned view (harshly judgemental) toward being gay & I think this could be softened a bit.

It doesn't feel like the narrator even LIKES Jack, yet she ends up with him. This is not believable. You've painted Jack in all bad ways, but we don't ever feel why the narrator would like him. To make this believable (see my poem this morning on "verisimilitude") . . . there must be some affection shown between the narrator & Jack. It can't be all fighting & name-calling, otherwise the reader does not believe your storytelling when you suddenly put the narrator, the baby, & Jack all together.

Another thing that feels completely weird -- there is NO WAY to tell that a baby is gay, just by looking at it. That sounds ridiculous to me. Gay-ness comes out gradually as a child grows up & starts to establish its self-identity, separate from what the parents want & expect.

I think your storyline is excellent, the way the narrator ends up with the gay guy. I just think you are going too fast with your storytelling. This story needs some "connective tissue" (everyday interactions) to help us know & feel & understand what is passing between these people. The thing I love the most about your narrator is how she makes startlingly true observations about life, such as: "Now everyone was sure that I broke up with Jack but to be honest, I wasn’t sure about that myself." These are the kinds of self-reveals that really make us believe this narrator, becuz she tells the truth (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Hey Aurora, I just wanted to say I enjoy your work.

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

i thought it ended well,great story,i can see a series of these writes

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Really powerful story, and tricky subject matter, but it suffers from formatting problems.

A bit more attention to the way the words are laid out on the page would go a very long way here. It's important to make sure you create clear distinctions between sections where different characters are in focus, such as with dialog.

Just as a quick example:

"Hey John," Betty said, and John smiled. "How are you?"

For most readers, the assumption here will be that Betty said "How are you?" because it's on the same line as a dialog tag we can clearly associate with her.

A simple tweak makes it perfectly clear:

"Hey John," Betty said.
John smiled. "How are you?"

The reason I think it's so important that you take the time to make sure your fiction is properly formatted is that you write such interesting stories, and I think some people miss the point because they have trouble parsing those parts. I think your perspective is unique and valuable, so I want to make sure your words are coming across.

Regarding your Author's Note: From my perspective, depending on what your goals are, it's fine to write fiction that doesn't have a clear purpose. Especially with a piece like this, the value can simply be in getting people thinking and talking.

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Aurora (MC)

1 Month Ago

As I said suggestions are welcome, thank you so much. I'll definitely look into all the points you'v.. read more
I wish I had better news, but…you did ask.

You’re still talking to the reader about what you’re visualizing as happening in the scene. And because you are, as a voice whose emotion can’t be heard by the reader it’s inherently dispassionate. In short, instead of showing, which is the goal in fiction, you’re “telling.” You, the narrator, are explaining events, rather than making the reader feel as if they're living them in real-time, which is the goal of fiction, and necessary if we're to connect the protagonist and reader emotionally. In other words, we make the reader feel as if the protagonist's problems are their problems.

One of the problems inherent with that "let me tell you a story method of presentation is that with you mentally watching as you write, and talking about what’s in your field of vision, things obvious to you won’t always make it to the page. But then, when you read it, your mind automatically fills in the blanks and the story works.

Look at the opening from a reader’s viewpoint, and the confusions they’ll have:

• “Jack! Leave my, you’re hurting.”

I’m guessing that you don’t mean “leave my.” But knowing what you mean as you read, you don’t see it. You also visualize the proper setting, and you know the gender, age, and appearance of the protagonist, which makes a huge difference in reader perception of the scene.

But…had you viewed the opening through the perceptions of the protagonist, we would know what matters to them. With your focus on events, rather then emotion, you’ll miss all that.

• I writhed as my wrist felt immense pain in his tight grip.

This person is in “immense pain.” Yet it’s reported as dispassionately as saying his fingernails need clipping. Ask yourself why, knowing only what has been reported thus far, a reader should care that someone they know nothing about, in an unknown location, feels pain because someone unknown is holding their wrist? What’s going on? Dunno. Why is the person holding the wrist? Dunno. Where are they? Dunno. What century does this take place in? Dunno. Why do I want to read on? Dunno.

You’re focusing on what happens—the sequence of events. But that’s a nonfiction approach. You tell us the character feels pain. With respect, I say, bullshit. They feel fear. They feel helplessness. They’re in a situation over which they have no control, and they will be desperately thinking about how they may regain at lease some control. The pain is great, but it’s a symptom, one that drives them to speak and act. And THERE’S where the story lies, within the protagonist.

• “Who was he!” He snarled at me.

We don’t know either the “he” who’s speaking, or the “he” being spoken about. But…if we knew the protagonist’s internal reaction to the comment, we would understand. And that applies to all the confusion the previous critique mentioned, so this is a critical point.

You’re taking an outside-in approach to telling the story. That’s a history book approach. And how many history books have been called “page-turners?” Facts are dry and boring. Emotion that the reader is made to feel is what keeps us turning pages, not the emotion the author feels as they write it. Don’t fall into the trap that David Sedaris mentions with, “The returning student had recently come through a difficult divorce, and because her pain was significant, she wrongly insisted her writing was significant as well.”

Bottom line: No matter how hard you may try; no matter how pure your motives; no matter how fascinating the story, the fact-based writing techniques we learn in our school days will not, and can not make the reader care. For that, only the emotion-based and character-centric skills of the fiction writer will work.

You have a story to tell that's deeply meaningful to you. And it deserves to be told. But your reader has been raised on a steady diet of professionally written and prepared work, just as you have. You don’t recognize them, so far as being able to duplicate them, any more than you recognize the tricks of the chef as you savor the food. But they are necessary to practice the profession.

We all leave our school days believing that we learned to write, when we actually learned only one way of writing: nonfiction. So pretty much everyone who turns to writing their stories either writes it as a chronicle of events, or as a transcription of themselves telling the story aloud.

Given that neither work for fiction, doesn’t it make sense to spend a bit of time acquiring your writer’s education? Is a week or two spent chewing your way through a book like Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer, or James Scott Bell's, Elements of Fiction Writing, too high a price to pay for giving your words wings?

In my case, I’d written six unsold novels before I found that Swain book. It not only opened my eyes, I sold the next novel I queried (Samantha and the Bear).

I won’t kid you. Swain's book made me feel like an idiot to have missed so many obvious points, but learning what you’re doing wrong and becoming proficient at a dramatically different way of writing is anything but easy, and that sale took a year of hard work. But on the other hand, three more followed, so obviously, I favor that book.

You’re working hard. You have the desire, the perseverance, and the stories. That’s three of the needed four. So…

Not great news I know, but…well, you did ask. 🙄



Posted 1 Month Ago


0 of 4 people found this review constructive.

JayG

1 Month Ago

• I don't particularly feel like giving you any of my personal information

Nonsense.. read more
Christoph

1 Month Ago

I'm not going to engage with the mudslinging. Which doesn't leave very much to respond to, but there.. read more
Aurora (MC)

1 Month Ago

Excuse me! Both of you... It's my humble request, please stop this. I am getting personal texts agai.. read more
I have a few hours on my hand, and your RR came up right after I edited my own work. So I thought, Why not? Innocence can wait a little longer.

There are quite a few things that need editing, and I'm a little tired from all the drumming I practiced today to list editorial comments. So I'll give you my thoughts.

My thoughts on the storyline:

There are three main characters, Evan, Edla, and Jack. I know them, but I didn't get the chance to get to know them enough to care about them. (I'll be using gender-neutral pronouns for Evan and Edla for reasons I'll explain in a bit.)

You made it clear that Evan was homosexual, but their gender wasn't made clear, and the way Edla used he/him pronouns but called them "half man and half woman" makes me even more unsure of Evan's gender. Other than that, I know that Evan lets people step over them like a doormat at a house party.

Edla's gender was not made clear either, though we know they have a vagina from the last scene. Their actions are very impulsive, and a little questionable. Actually, quite questionable. They ran away from their partner to someone who physically abused them to the point that they almost died and STALKED them five years later.

Talking about that, Jack was homophobic, transphobic, abusive, stalking, and dangerous. His (transphobia is often from cisgender people) actions were narcissistic and -- allow me to reuse this word -- dangerous. I don't have enough context to understand why Edla ran back to them with no explanation to Evan whatsoever.

I also don't see why homosexuality is a theme here. The thing about Jack treating homosexuality like it's a disease sickens me, and then there's the how-did-they-know-the-sexual-orientation-of-an-infant plot hole.

My thoughts on the format which is related to the storyline a little bit:

These are three different "main scenes" mashed up together: the teenage/college years, the "office years," and the birth-giving scene. I was confused by when the main scenes are divided since -- on top of abruptly cutting to the next "main scene" mid-paragraph -- you also divide the "sub-scenes" with one line of white space. My suggestion would be dividing the main scenes differently (using *** etc.) or create a book with three chapters.

My thoughts on dialogue (not to be confused with dialogue punctuation, which is an issue in itself, I can send you a link to an easy-to-understand explanation of dialogue punctuation; just say the word):

While I know that in fiction, dialogues aren't supposed to be 100% realistic (because people misspeak, repeat themselves, cut each other off, and speak over each other all the time); it just has to be realistic enough to feel like the characters are real.

On a side note, we can actually write characters cutting each other off this way:

"After years-"
"Yes, after years, how are you?"
(remember to start a new paragraph when the speaker changes)

Or even mid-word:

"Go aw-"
"Shut up!"

Dialogue does not come naturally to many, and you're still on the finding-your-own-writing-voice journey. So I would strongly suggest you give other people's short stories a read and learn from them, especially ones that excel in dialogue if you want to improve that aspect. In fact, I am reminded of a short story about homosexuality I read this morning (I think). I will send you an RR.

--------------

The journey is long, and you're steadily climbing the steep learning curve. I think you'll see even more progress in the near future.

Keep practicing, fellow writer.

Posted 1 Month Ago


Aurora (MC)

1 Month Ago

As I said suggestions are welcome, thank you so much. I'll definitely look into all the points you'v.. read more
Wathanya.5KY3

1 Month Ago

I'm glad you find it helpful. I believe we can all give constructive criticism while being kind to e.. read more
Aurora (MC)

1 Month Ago

Yeah! Anytime... After all the chapter 2 isn't going to vanish from here. I'll wait for the review .. read more

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Added on November 12, 2019
Last Updated on November 20, 2019

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Aurora (MC)
Aurora (MC)

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Hello!...This is a sweet little troublesome girl... I am a young artist and I love reading and writing. I am something like addicted to books. I have a silly habit, that is I sleep with a book in m.. more..

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