To Aiolos

Let me become wind just like you. Just let me be with you once again.

Dear there are a lot of things I would like to say but choose not to. It is not because I don’t want but because I can’t. You were always there just a meter away from me yet the distance between us though cannot be seen, feels like heaven and earth apart. I would gladly close that gap yet the wall is too high and the road is to steep. Just like how your heart is, cold, hidden and closed.

Despite of the warmth your smiles give or the kindness of your gesture, a woman in love cannot be deceived. Through the prying eyes of the one you could probably call obsessed, I can see clearly what goes within your mind and heart. You were able to create a truth under a misconception that everyone believed like a mirage between the asphalt and the eyes of the beholder. Lies keep on piling like snow burying the truth you intended to delete. Even I was fooled of the different masks you carry.

My dear, why are you so hard to yourself? You were far cruel to yourself than to the others you shrugged with cold shoulder. You let yourself go with the river flow at first then afterwards you sail away against it struggling like you were punishing yourself. Is that your penance for the sins you had committed? Or you just hate your own self? All your pain and suffering, I could only watch it because if I help you, I’m afraid that I would only break you more. Fear won’t allow me and as a coward I could be, I succumbed. And that is the biggest regret that I’ll bring till the end. If, if only I reached out to you... If only I decided to hold your hand, then you were still here. Then I can still confess my love to you however you were gone. You became the wind like what you always wanted to be. Free and unbounded by everything that once tied your feet to the ground; you flapped your wings and finally flew towards the sky. Like that balloon I held one day that accidentally slipped from my grasp, you did too. All I just did is to watch it getting farther and farther away from me. Looking back, a thought passed on my mind. If I were to die, I too want to be the wind. I would ask God to transform my soul into wind so that I could be with you but until then, I would be here waiting for the hugs and kisses you shower upon through the soft zephyr. You really did love the world as you blow with gentleness you once showed me unlike what you shouted that day of how much you hate the world you live on. You were kinder than anyone else yet you are afraid to admit it. It was your kind heart that brought you to doom but it was also your kind heart that made me fell for you.

I know it is too late, way too late to tell you how I feel. But even just this time, I want myself be true. I love you. I always did since the first day of spring you caught my scarf that was blown towards the blooming Sakura tree. You smiled and my whole world ceased from moving. I fully know right then that I fell in love. My dreams are always filled by your image that even when I wake up it was your face my mind would first think. I love you. I love you so much that my heart would burst any second that I wonder how I am able to stay alive up till now. I’m sorry that I was a coward. I’m sorry for rejecting you when you told me you love me. I’m sorry I didn’t believe in you because I am filled with insecurities and doubts. I’m sorry I let you die. I’m sorry when I saw you crying that day I didn’t even asked. I’m sorry I chose to be blind even though I know you are forcing yourself to be happy. I’m sorry I love you yet I’m afraid to acknowledge it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Oh Aiolos, God of the wind, please oh please send this message to him, to the one who became a part of you. Please send this love as well as these regrets to him and when I die, take me with you, take me to where he is. Let me, for a second chance be with him again.

Author's Note

It's just a passing thought that instead of being one of the stars, I think it is better that the soul of the one who passed away became a wind.