Sixteen Messages

A poem

It’s eight in the morning

I’m having trouble forming

Thoughts, I’m caught

Inside my own head

Smoking a cigarette, I still have yet,

-to settle into bed

 

I’m already started

Drinking, my mind further sinking

I try to stop thinking

About you leaving in your car

But it’s hard

Especially between two AM

And the opening of the bar

 

The bed’s unmade, the bills unpaid

A notice on the door

But I lack conviction, bring the eviction

I don’t want to live here anymore

 

Beep.

Sixteen new messages,

-waiting on the machine.

But I’m drinking the rest of this,

So I turn off the stupid thing.

 

A knock on my door, a friend says they’re worried.

They know I hurt, but I have to work

I’ll lose my job if I don’t hurry.

But I sit and stare,

I go nowhere, the friend decides to leave.

I’ve lost my will, to move or feel

Or even try to breathe.

 

The dishes sit in a rancid pit

That used to be the sink

I think…

I really can’t be certain.

The view outside, I try to hide

Behind a makeshift curtain,

-of blankets I nailed over the view

Because I burnt the ones you bought

They reminded me of you.

 

There’s cracks upon the glass

Of all our photographs

Of you when you were with me,

I ripped them down, after I failed to drown

Myself in a bottle of whiskey

 

A few days pass, and at last

There comes another knock

But they have a key

I come to see

As the door becomes unlocked

 

But I don’t move or look

I really don't even care

My friend walks in

I stay sitting in my chair

 

Silent, unmoving

As my friend gets his viewing

-Of the mess inside my apartment

The dirty clothes, the broken chairs

The stains of booze on the carpet

 

I don’t try to fight, it’s too late at night

I’ve had too much to drink

He says I need to leave

I need to breathe.

Get some fresh air, we’ll go somewhere

and leave this f*****g chair.

 

He takes me out, we get something to eat.

The entire time, I can feel his eyes

Bearing into me.

 

“I know it’s hard, you loved her, man,

-but you have to move on.”

He says, but I simply shake my head.

“I need to leave,” I suddenly scream

“I’ve been gone for far too long!”

 

He grabs me then, I shake again

I try to look away.

But I can’t retreat, he then repeats

What I haven’t been able to say.

 

“She’s dead! She’s dead!

And nothing will bring her back!”

I shake and cry, because I can’t deny

What I’ve known to be a fact.

 

I crumble to the street, and lean against the wall

My friend hands me a smoke,

And tears begin to fall.

 

She’s dead, she’s gone, I’m truly alone

I realize and try to breathe,

There’s sixteen messages on the machine,

But sixteen she didn’t leave.

Author's Note

Okay, new poem. About the darkest moment in my life. Things didn't get better right away after this. In some ways they got worse. But this is the moment I broke out of denial. I spent a lot longer trying to move on, though. Either way, let me know what you think ^^

Reviews

[jacob erin-cilberto]

whether dead to me emotionally or physically or whatever...this is a perfect view of the scenario for days after...when we depend too much on our relationships to carry us through life..the loss is such devastation it just kills our momentum and motivation...

takes so much time to get back on our feet.

love this piece

jacob

[MachinaWriter]

Thank you, that truly means a lot.

[Damien Davison]

One of the best poems I have ever read. The intensity and the pain is stunning. That last stanza is one of the most painful things I've ever read. Amazing.

[MachinaWriter]

Thank you. That means a lot. this was a tough time in my life and a tough thing to right about.

[Somebrownnerd]

This poem provoked quite a few memories for me, i thoroughly enjoyed it. My favorite part of poetry is creating a window for people to see into your feelings; and every once in awhile there is a poem out there that allows you to open that window, and take something from it. That's what you did for me, great work.

[MachinaWriter]

Thank you for those words. I'm glad you got something from this.

[*~*Butterfly Kisses*~*]

Wow. Firstly, I am sorry for your loss and pain dealing with such a tragedy. Death of a loved one can be extremely hard. I remember a time when it kept happening in my life and believe me it was not an easy thing to forget the pain and turmoil that came with it. I applaud this piece and the writer of it, a great personal piece. Thank you for sharing it with the world.

[MachinaWriter]

That means a lot to me. I've placed all these in a compilation book that puts it all in order, tracing its way from the beginning of my life to now. The book is A Tragic Story. I'd love to hear your views on it. This was a tough part of my life. Thank you again for your kind words and for reading this.

[GMHeft]

oooh man *big a*s huggles* you shared your life, your pain, your heart and soul. bared it out there for all who dared to read it. Felt it. I do so love your use of flow, and drawing the reader in. Wonderful and soul shaking. Thank you for sharing~

[MachinaWriter]

Thank you so much. Was there any points in this poem you felt were weaker and could be improved on? Or specific parts you thought were the strongest? I've been hoping to get some good criticism lately, to improve my writing skills since I'm rather new to poetry myself.

[GMHeft]

The flow, of both story and verse is the strongest.

[quinfinn]

i have been to the place you describe here and i despise being there, it totally consumes you if you let it and you become numb mentally and you have to beat the pain back with "extreme comforts" such as whisky etc. writing about it helped me
this is an epic work of angst and art and i am duly impressed. also: it brought back all the sad memories, well done!

[MachinaWriter]

Thank you so much. I apologize for bringing back any unwanted feelings, but thank you for your good words.

[quinfinn]

oh, i'm long over that heartbreak now...moving on, as they say ...so....
feel good about how your poem touched me

[MachinaWriter]

lol thanks. feel free to read some more of my stuff. ^^

[quinfinn]

soon

[Belinda]

This is great! Its sad. Really sad. But really good.

[MachinaWriter]

Thank you. I'm glad you liked it. As always, I appreciate the review ^^

[eglantine]

first stanza, I love that moment, but I think you cold make it more interesting by replacing the last line with "to light it." regarding the cigarette. An interesting image, smoking a cig not yet lit, adds to that image of "not yet settled in"

*I've , in second stanza first line.

thanks for sharing!

[MachinaWriter]

"Thoughts, I'm caught
Inside my own head
Smoking a cigarette, I still have yet
To light it"

I feel like it breaks off the rhythm, because then the whole "inside my head" line becomes clunky. That's why I have it as:

Thoughts, I'm caught
Inside my own head
Smoking a cigarette, I still have yet
-To settle into bed.

Its A, A
B
C, C
B.

If you did it the other way, it would be:
A, A
B
C, C
C.

While I don't write my poems with these formulas in mind, its a good way to highlight when you're done where the clunky lines come from. But you're definitely right about "I've" in the first line of the second stanza. Good catch.

[eglantine]

ah i see lol

[Apatheia]

Gosh, this is really good dear. It's raw emotions. I'm sorry that you've been through something like that but I'm glad you were strong enough to get past it. Once again, an excellent poem. :) Thank you for sharing.

[MachinaWriter]

Thank you. That really means a lot.