My Suicide Note

Dear Mom and Dad, 

If you're reading this, that means I'm already gone. That means I figured it got way too bad to continue living and took enough cold and flu medicine to kill me. They always said that suicide was 'the coward's way out', but I think I'm brave for doing this. I'm brave to spare you the burden of my presence, and the rest of society. You guys saw me spiral out of control. I know you did because the recognition lingered in your eyes but you were to afraid to do anything, and that's okay. I don't hold any grudges against you guys, I love you. I mean, you were the best parents a girl like me could wish for. And you still are. But, even that couldn't have stopped me from doing committing suicide. 

Death is easier that life. Quicker, painless. It's better than living with stress, but then again, worse. I don't know why I would do this to you guys, but I did. Maybe I did it because I'm selfish. But, I guess that's okay because it doesn't really matter anymore, does it? 

Well, I never intended to go here, but Mom... don't go back to alcohol, okay? I never want to see you do that? Alcohol does NOTHING. IT DOESN'T HELP. I don't wanna see either of you guys wallow in self pity over this, okay? It's just... I felt like I was worthless. I mean, you guys were constantly on me about grades and the way I looked and just about everything, but that would never compare to why I killed myself. 

This may be hard to hear, but I starved myself in the weeks leading up to my death. That's the worse thing about anything- no has to tell you that you're fat to make yourself feel like crap about your appearance, pardon my language. But it wasn't about that, per se. It was mainly about being depressed. A lot of stuff happened lately, with cutting myself and starving myself, that I just eventually got really depressed. 

Now listen, you guys could have done about this, okay? Don't feel like you could have stopped this, because you couldn't of. Mom, you always were talking about fate and all that. Well, my fate was to commit suicide. Nothing could have stopped it. 

Now about Sidney. She's my only sister, take care of her. Don't let her go down the same path. Give her a lot of privacy, okay? Don't go through her bedroom and all that. Leave her alone, because then she'll have paranoia disorder like me and kill herself too. Give her lots of attention, love, but a lot of privacy. Make sure she stays just as amazing as she is. Let her know that I'm sorry for always hitting her and being mean to her. I understand that I have major temper issues, but tell her that I'm more sorry that you'd ever know. 

Also... Mom, Dad... I'm bisexual. This is the worst way you could have ever found out, but I guess this is it. Dad, I know you've never been crazy supportive of it, and Mom, I don't really know where you stand, but this is who I was- who I am. If you can do anything to support gay pride and stuff, if you got the time, I'd appreciate if you could do it. Thanks

Now listen, I have only a few dying wishes, okay? 

1) Tell Jennafer that I love her and that she was always like a sister to me and that I'll miss her like crazy. 

2) Never let Sidney go down a bad path. Tell her she is beautiful every single day. 

3) Mom, don't go back to being an alcoholic, okay? Ever. Please. 

4) Dad, keep working on the car. Make it amazing, okay? Just if you can, find somewhere where you can write the word "Breathe". It's the name of a song by Anna Nalick that I love. 

5) Make sure songs by Aerosmith, Taylor Swift, and Tom Petty play at my funeral. 

6) Find a way to tell Harley that I love him, and that he is my favorite person in the world. Tell him to remember the purple rain. He'll know what it means. 

7) Tell Seema to keep strong. Forever. 

8) Live life, okay? Don't be all mopey all the time, okay?

I love you guys, so very much. And I will forever. 

Oh hey, Mom, what's a caterpillar's worst enemy? 

A doggerpillar. 

Love forever and ever, 

your daughter, 

Madison "Red" Noel Van Ausdall

Author's Note

A suicide note I wrote a few weeks ago. If I ever were to commit suicide, I'd use this note. I'm NOT, but yeah. um. k.

Reviews

[Ars Goetia Poetry]

Wow. Very dark, indeed ;)

[poetry-kiddo alienbaba]

Hello my dear Auburn Haired Woman.
If only I had known
Then I could have convinced you like here I have sworn...

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/roquelazarus/754414/

[Keith LaFountaine]

I love this! It's dark, scary, frightening to any parent on this site I'm sure, but it's also honest, but it doesn't insist upon itself. It's a simple "this is what happened, this is why it happened, and this is what I want you guys to do" statement. It reminds me a lot of story I wrote, "The Kid", which also dealt with suicide, so I was able to connect to this piece.

Overall great job with the writing, it touched me.

[Patrick Henry]

lol I like how the part where you're ashamed of being "Bi", but then ask your parents when you are dead, to support gay rights!! : ) ....cute. How this suicide not, that many on this site will take heed in and advice FROM, doesn't have a "Mature Tag" .....I have no idea. Suicide, death, gay rights, pity, drugs, alcohol etc..... What DOESN'T it have in here?!! Maybe if you had cuts on your arms, sliced up your genitals, and killed the family dog.... before going, would have just added to such chaos. Crazy crazy story...... I never left a note.... didn't want anyone to know except for the wind around me and the bugs that were going to eat me!! xoxo -Mark

[Admiral Kirk]

Holy crap... this is scary... when you mentioned your funeral... :'( I hope you're okay, Maddie... Just remember, you can talk to me about anything... I'll be here for you...

[Andie]

Oh wow. Brings back memories, sadly. :/

[Sam Gregory]

Damn :( I don't even know what to say, brings back memories tbh, in a strange way. I really hope u never go through with committing suicide

[Harley (arbiter)]

:'( I. I can't even think. I'm actually crying

[Caution In Flames]

Sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry harley

[Forever Hidden]

:'",,( "hugs" Girl. You never told me this "a few weeks ago" I'm always freaking here for you. this made me cry...
whenever your gonna commit suicide, don't. please. only person i can relate everything too! if your gone. that means a part of me is gone.
suicide solves NOTHING.
just means more pain to people around you :'L

"hugs never lets go"

[Caution In Flames]

Seema, a few weeks ago, your life went to s**t. I never burden people when their already burdened.

[Forever Hidden]

Sure it did but that was the past! I can't think about the present cause its somewgat worrying me, so ill think about the future... Please just no more deaths. Please

[Caution In Flames]

Babydoll, I made you a promise didn't I? I'm not the kind of person to break a promise. And honestly, right after your grandmother's passing, do you think I'd do that to you? No. I made you a promise, and I'm sticking to it.

[Forever Hidden]

=")))
You may know Harley will see this? Ot I'll show it to him. Right now. I don't care he can check his inbox later ;) Unless he already knwls bout this

[Caution In Flames]

He's probably already asleep. But you can message him.

[Forever Hidden]

Yep I know :)
And.. Your parents.. They know aboutme?

[Caution In Flames]

They don't know about your secrets like I do, but yeah they know we're friends

[Forever Hidden]

Wow :-")