I Know I'm Not You

Feeling bitter :) Poem about someone who is in love with someone else as well as them.

There's a painting of her hanging in my mind, 

She's shorter than me, younger than me, 

Big brown eyes. 

Sometimes I see her clearer than I see you, 

Large breasts, small waist, 

Long eyelashes that will flutter as you pass her by. 

I know her name. I can't unhear it, 

Know how the sound caresses your lips,

I hear it now. Mine's nowhere near it. 

This phantom woman follows me around, 

She questions my thoughts, 

My clothes, 

My body. 

She torments every decision, 

Every feeling, 

Every whim,  

Every moment I'm with him. 

She is in everything I touch, 

Everything I see, 

Is she everything I imagine her to be? 

I see none of her in me. 

I can feel her close in around me, 

Just as the frost encases the amber leaves,

trodden into the forest floor. 

Her voice is the bite of cold air on my fingertips, 

Her gaze freezes me to stone. 

Still, the ironic thing, 

The agonising thing, 

Is that she does not know me at all. 

Author's Note

Still new to poetry :) just write what I feel

Reviews

[JayG]

• Still new to poetry :) just write what I feel

Unfortunately, poetry isn't us telling people how we feel. It's us making the reader feel. We don't, for example, tell the reader we cried. Instead, we work to make the reader weep. And since how to do that isn't even mentioned in our school days, we need to acquire the necessary techniques.

When you read this piece you have backstory, intent, and context. so it makes perfect sense. And, the emotion-filled voice reading it is your voice, providing the exact emotion you feel needs to be there. So of course it works. But the reader has none of that, Look at the opening, not as the all-knowing author, but as the reader must:

• There's a painting of her hanging in my mind, 

"Her" could be someone the speaker adores, or, hates. It could be a child or the temptress who ruined a relationship. You know, The one being talked about knows. Shouldn't the reader? There is no second first impression, remember.

• She's shorter than me, younger than me, 

And the reader wants to know this? From here on, you list all the attributes that matter to YOU but that are meaningless to the reader.

Not good news, I know, but since we'll not address the problem we don't see as being one, I thought you would want to know—especially as I have a fix:

Dig up a copy of Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. The lady is brilliant, and will have you saying, "I didn't know that...why didn't I know that?" often. You can pick up a readable copy (except on a phone) at the address below to try a few chapters, though you'll probably want a copy of your own, in the end.
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596