Brother

the first chapter of Dissonance beginning the story of Rita Crowne,

Guild Story: Rita Crowne

Book One: Dissonance

Chapter One: Brother

A young woman looks out from her apartment building at the crowded city streets, at night alone sitting, her legs folded and her arms around them, hugging them. Her hair drips down behind her and she breathes softly as she hunches over grabbing her sheets nuzzling against them. She gets up, peers down the many stories and sees an alleyway, the crowded cityscape and the dimly lit corridors of the street below. She drifts off to a sleep in which she finds no solace. It is morning again, she wakes up, brushes her teeth, dresses in her uniform and heads off to school. She walks to the nearest train station in the early hours of the morning and grabs a hang rail. A disinterested frown upon her face, she listens to the humming the train makes as the wheels pass the tracks and seems to almost be lost in it.  She then stares at her own reflection in the meek light as the new day begins, she sighs to herself as she reflects on the world. She barely sees the rising sun emit faint light on the bleached white buildings dreary against the horizon. She gets off the train, her soulless eyes emanating a deep sadness, she sips some coffee, drinking it in long gulps as she walks along the streets and tosses her coffee into a nearby trash can and precedes to school, the long velvety threads of her hair swaying in the wind.

                She sat herself down by the window desk beginning her day of lectures from her instructor. It was a boring day. After lunch, she stared outside the window, lost in thought her head resting on her hand. That night she sat on the lonely homeward bound train, checking her cellphone once more for any messages. Always…nothing. “Brother…” she muttered under her breath, tears in her eyes. She rode the train into the night, as the sunset she arrived at her apartment on the other end of town. She ran through the city as the night descended and reached the doorsteps of her apartment building just as the dim streetlamps came on.

Racing up the stairs to her room, Rita slammed the door behind her locking it. She breathed hard breathes in and out, she took a deep breath then settled down. She sat down on the floor and started to cry, just as the sun was setting. In that apartment, a ray of sun danced on a tabletop portrait of her brother. The only person she has ever cared about. In the photograph, he was smiling in the countryside by the sea.

She cried until the deep fog of the night lulled her to sleep. Rita laid there without a sound lost in her dreams, comforted only by a thin veil and the humming of a ceiling fan.  She lay there silently without a sound, comforted only in the heavy veils of sleep. In her dreams she dreamt of her family, of her mother and father, but especially, of her brother. How he gently patted her head when she was a little girl, how he used to push her on the swings, as the gentle sun shone gently upon them, she was happy, her brother behind her, her hair blowing in the wind, a soft smile on her cheeks. “Brother.” she said, looking up at him, the sun’s harsh light blurring her view. The young Rita turned around happily. However, when she turned around a cold wind blew and her brother disappeared. Rita woke up from her dream with tears streaming down, her head beside her arm.  The sunlight danced and played upon her face, she reached for her pillow, and pressed her face into it, screaming a silent scream. The alarm sounded, and the whole room was filled with noise. Rita turned on her side, reached for the alarm and promptly turned it off. She then turned over again in her bed, until she was lying on her back. The expression on her face was one of anger and deep anguish, with an emotionless front. Tired and dreary she got up and closed the blinds. “If only,” she thought to herself. Rita Crowne got dressed, in her school uniform complete with a red neckerchief, and ran down the wooden stairs of her apartment building.

She slammed the door behind her as she headed off to school. It rang loud. On the train the dim sun reminded her of the summer afternoons, they, her and her brother spent playing together when they were children. In the early hours of the morning, she sat on the bus waiting watching the city roll by. She turned to her cell-phone, the electric blue tinge illuminated the darkness behind her. 1 message from Michael.

It was a quiet train ride to school. Rita Crowne climbed the dark spiral staircase, running up the narrow stairway. When she arrived in her classroom all she could hear was the ticking of the monotonous clock in the room, she laid her head on table, listening to the sounds that surrounded her and became at once in a daze, she longed to visit the old hangout, the places where she used to play when she was younger, she wanted to rediscover those endless days and those long summers. At lunch Rita sat alone on a shady bench behind the great oak tree.  She slowly nibbled away at her lunch, passing the hour away in silence.   

That night she waited on the old swing-set in the park where she used to play, she sat there for a very long time, gazing at the setting sun, waiting, feeling for some reason a deeper loneliness than she has ever known. The last remains of sunlight were just fading when a familiar shadow raced by her. The dangling ribbons of her hair danced and in a moment, Rita felt a sweet embrace upon her lips. She looked up, she was in shock as she stared into his face, soft tears fell down her face, and in that moment she felt happiness. In a soft breath barely audible she said, “Brother.”

Author's Note

please tell me if the Rita's character is believable. Also, if the story flows well or is repetitive.

Reviews

[Onyx_Rayne]

I think this is great. The Rita character is believable. It's obvious she has been through some traumas and hard times. Her melancholy spirit is understandable.

This will develop into an awesome story line, there are infinite possibilities.

The imagery was great and the writing itself was excellent.

Fantastic job :)

[PoisonedFlower]

I like your writing style! And I think this is a great beginning... I wanna read more about Rita! She's an interesting character; makes me want to find out more about her.

[untoldtruth]

very good start, but try to use something other than "she" at the beginning of most of the sentences. other than that *thumbs up* :)

[Tony]

Maybe over describing a little, but not enough to take away from the story. It is a believable character.
We will see how repetitive it is as it grows.
Overall, you got a good start here.
Welcome to WC!

[Jheart]

definitely believeable, somewhat repetitive on her name........still an intriguing and good story!

[Michael]

I believe her. She's clearly been through things she can't quite wrap her mind around. Someone close to her is a specter to her past. Someone she loves even more so now that he is not with her physically.

We all look back to our pasts in the belief that those were better times. Perhaps they were yet now we are older... often left to wonder who or what we have become.

She's very much in that in or at least that's what I'm seeing.

Very descriptive scenery... it flows to me as I have at times written with a very 'disjointed' sense of time. Memories aren't linear.

If you are passionate about writing you know its demanding and always open to improvement. I don't pretend expertise except experience is its own teacher.