Diary Of A Silently Dying Heart

               

                Life is a beautiful sorrow embraced by all, in their days of living they all suffer but never wish to die. Is it the same with the beautiful thing embraced by all but carries all the hurt that the world can bring, asked to choose between love and the grave one will choose the later for it is the end of all sorrows, hatred and hurt for it is the end of breath as we lose it to eternal than that transmitted in vain to love.

 Every creation is beautiful in its own way and lives according to the ordainment from the day of creation and it has embraced its nature to the core be it the wild animals they still feel the same as humans would but with a misfortune they can’t talk nor have the sense of thinking that can supersede that of humans. Animals can feel love and can respond to it in the manner appropriate such that the giver and the receiver are both at par and leveled.

With all the privileges that humans carry they still do not appreciate what they have until it’s gone, we fall in love indeed and in truth we do fall hard in it, drowning like little kids in deep mud unknowingly and unaware of the consequences. Sometimes it’s good to be reciprocal than to be giver but better to be in an all kind relationship, where the giving nor the receiving doesn’t outweigh the other.

I would wish I was born in the wild where everything seems meaningless but worth it but when I think of it what would I have been, a king of the jungle or the prey to it well it still baffles my mind because I have no idea what I would have been since not much choice would have been given to me, this also depicts the way we fall in love with people, we wish we had fallen differently or for someone different until we realise it is never by choice but fate.

I pictured love to be a rebirth a place of no return where one becomes stupid and fantasies about the future with the one they love forever and ever like a little prayer that changes everything, I used to admire old couples whenever I saw them holding their hands or teasing each other calling one another with all sort of sweet names I would be like those folks were like cupid.

I sometimes wonder if I do not fall into the statistics of the love unlucky team because I feel like the team leader and with the unnecessary smiles I receive on the streets the words I hear from all those who claim to love me which penetrate the mind and flow freely like the anointing oil down to the heart and push me to act unexpectedly, they are sweet as saturated natural honey that is drawn directly from the honeycombs.

If then be it true that love exists and is true why then does it have to hurt the way it does, I have quit in that game for many times thought of playing the way they have played but with a still mind that a little light will one day shine and love will find me I have consolidated my thoughts and suppressed them never to think negatively and that I may see and learn a little something from all my misfortunes. I was born to love and nothing good comes without suffering but I always depress over suffering for what’s not worth but always willing to lay it all for the worth.

 The blood was pure in the heart pumped for the beneficial of the whole body and itself but also in the nurturing of it to be good for the new engagement ahead of a heart to heart talk where it was going to confess all the secrets about it and to the person in question, to my surprise when it did it exposed itself to the cold still covered by the warmth of the body but it felt cold and cast out like a leper in the olden days, it was destroyed bit by bit into pieces it never found peace but continued to love in torment.

It died slowly in silence which I fail to fathom how does a tender steak piece of meat like it could comprehend such hurt and never groom hatred within it for the treatment it obtains, from those it has entrusted its life upon, I then thought the name heart bears a hybrid of hurt and hatred, it bears pain with pride its scars are internal it can compromise and learn to lean on itself at all times regardless of how many times its put to shame and broken into pieces.

I have witnessed a broken man a broken heart a nonentity, one that is waiting for someone to come up with a spear and without fear like the kings of the bible stab the body directly through it then all can be said it was a man now a grave, for all I had I gave. Then again it clicks in the mind out of the blue that one has to be responsible too and take accountability for helping those chosen by the heart to break it into pieces for it cannot happen without the agreement with the heart’s carrier.

With all that in mind I have to shove my tail under my legs like a dog and pick up the pieces and never give up on the same thing that left the heart in shambles to come along again maybe this time it will find me ready and tougher because of the breaking, the hurt that it had endured even though an empty heart considering that all was given, it would still be a perfect gift for the one who deserves it and that someone will embrace and mend it for their own good.

The heart spoke at a point of realisation as it called out in a loud voice from the inside it pleaded its case, I have endured a lot of pain and pressure is mounting up I’m about to burst and above all I don’t know my job any more I now pump blood and water for your tears have dearly drowned down internal, for you are afraid of embarrassment when you show your tears to the world, when you expose your weakness. It said I totally understand but you don’t understand that when I’m weak the whole body is affected now please consider your ways wake up and utilise me to my optimum.

I realised that it was time to mourn the past in the present to put it behind and move on, it was not the end of love for really and true love doesn’t end and it’s care is sophisticated but it just had to come to a point of realisation that one had neglected one self and self-care was imperative, then I considered my heart and the position it was in I pleaded guilty for laying it to be slain by a Goliath named love, my eyes I rebuked for they had seen.

My letter to the heart that I conveyed through the mind was I have heard your cry and I do plead with you that I have not been good to you, your friend my eyes was not true to all of us and even yourself you were not careful in your choosing but I completely understand that this is not a matter of finger pointing, but of negotiation and peace-making in my capacity as your carrier I would now and forever thread careful and consider such matters with diligence, I would make sure what you love again has been ordained.

I then prayed and hoped that I didn’t snitch on the heart neither did I make promises that cannot be carried forward for I know its human nature to be deceitful and also to be easily swayed by the things that flush in front of the eyes, but with all the necessary requirements and ingredients for the heart’s survival, I had to agree that love is one of the essentials it hurts but if it’s worth it, it can be grabbed with both hands and the heart can be mended and the whole body restored to its former glory.

It’s sad how much love has changed from being pure to what one can give and some people will rather sleep on top of money but feel emotional terrible because they have it all except for love, love should be genuine and that brings me to what my cousin once said “Some people are only loyal to their need of you. Once their need changes so does their loyalty towards you”, this is the now case with love people will only love you for the satisfaction of their current and throw you away like a tasteless bubble gum when their current doesn’t meet their future " I want love nothing more and nothing less for it brings happiness and joy to the heart when given freely with no ultimatums.

“One doesn’t stop loving and caring they just shift the care they give that is deemed unnecessary by the receiver to themselves, in a quest for self-recovery as they normally neglect themselves to go all the way to satisfy the less  appreciating” " Marvelous Benedict Mdluli