An Unofficial Passage From The Unofficial Book Of Jess

Am I a hero for battling depression?

Or am I a coward for attempting suicide?

Neither.

I am a deceitful, wicked villain.

I have stolen my brother's cries,

Lied to my mother's face.

I gave in to all my fears,

I am a disgrace.

Yes, I am a villain.

I could've lost everything I was given.

But I didn't care.

I gave in to the statistics.

My parents call it a miracle.

I only wish they'd be realistic.

Don't get me wrong;

I appreciate the second chance.

But, God, are you not sick of our twisted dance?

Are you not sick of saving someone who doesn't deserve to be saved?

I am a wretched villain

Who continues to misbehave.

Why not end my miserable existence?

If only to prove to your believers that there is a God,

Why use me?

I belong in Hell, don't you see?

I wrenched tears from my brother's eyes.

I clenched my mother's heart in my hand.

I destroy lives, God!

Why must you let my family believe in these lies?

I am not a miracle!

I reject your gift of salvation!

Not because I am ungrateful,

But simply because I do not deserve it!

There are plenty of people in every nation for you to "save"

No, I am the villain,

And I will continue to misbehave.

I will wave to my family as they enter the Gates of Heaven,

Just as I am cast into Hell.

Reviews

[CuddlyBunny]

not really a review but my reply...
the earth is cold my soul ive sold put my feelings on complete hold for i once was caring and oh so daring now its ike ive lost my bearing i hate the sun and the sky cause all i want to do is cry

[John the Baptist]

I was a mental health worker for 27 years. One of the symptoms of depressions is low self esteem and you are showing it in abundance. I imagine you are listening to the ongoing reruns of negative thoughts on a continuous basis. You can't do that if you want to live. Sooner or later you are going to convince yourself of the rightness of self destruction. Stop entertaining that pseudoreligious claptrap about hellfire and damnation. Above all, take your medication!













1

[Carol Cashes]

Tell it, John the Baptist! This advice is the best she could ever ask for.

[Nico Marie]

Oh, yes, i'm broken :( Fix my mind old person

[Carol Cashes]

Flawed women who fight back are strong women. The only "fix" you need is your death wish. Live to fight!

[Nico Marie]

You go, Carol! You're awesome

[Carol Cashes]

*snort* I've been fightin' asshats and would be manipulators since I hit 18 in 1974. My only struggles in this life has been my disappointments with people I needed or trusted. I still need and trust - I just got smarter about who. When that happened, the pool got very small, but all are A team players.

[Nico Marie]

You don't look a day over 23 though!! I'm being serious; you look way younger.

[Carol Cashes]

Yeah...f**k Cindy Crawford's magic french melons, candlelight is the s**t!

[Nico Marie]

xD Oh, Carol, how you've brightened my day!

[Carol Cashes]

Good. I read so many sad poems and so many young women, especially who have no hope. I'm an angry woman and I highly recommend it. Anger has kept me alive when one would have taken my life, and anger has kept me afloat when others would steal my life jacket. Get mad, young warrior - wear your scars and wounds as badges that tell any who would see that you're ALIVE.

[Nico Marie]

Bad-a*s, Carol. Bad-a*s

[Carol Cashes]

When the situation calls for it, I can rise to the occasion. I don't go looking for trouble, but when punk a*s b*****s disrespect me because they think I'm a just a pasty middle-aged white lady...well, let's just say they can only dream of being the level b***h I have achieved. I don't make scenes, i don't yell and shout. But they remember me and generally cross the street when they see me coming. *smirk* little girls tryin' to be grown...

[Nico Marie]

Lol I have the same effect but for different reasons. I'm a weirdo

[Carol Cashes]

When you know what you are - be the best at it and respect always comes from the smart people who are the only ones who matter anyways.

[Nico Marie]

I could really learn a lot of things from you

[Carol Cashes]

When I first joined the site, I wrote a piece called Know Me. You read that and you'll understand my why's and then you can develop your own why's for what you do and who you are. I have learned some hard truths, but mostly I've learned never to apologize for who I am. I do not go out of my way to hurt anyone and I do not associate with anyone I suspect might be a problem - either to me or me to them. I've learned that sometimes it's not quitting - it's walking away. You are smart and you have scars. Scars identify you to other strong women like biker's colors or gang colors identify who's who. The ones who don't recognize? They will never have the qualities you have so how can they recognize them? And that's usually a case of some girl thinkin' cuz she gots a job or her own place or a car that she's grown. I started my life over at age 41 with a purse and a phenomenal pair of black jeans and cowboy boots when my second husband of 16 years decided that he needed to kill me. I left...everything. Grown women get s**t done and or know where or who to ask to get it started. Fear can be a useful tool, just don't let it be a weakness.

[Carol Cashes]

I'm sure you meant this quite seriously, but girl! Own It! If you have to be a "villian" to stay alive, be a bad-a*s b***h. Your family obviously understands that those who act the least lovable, need love the most.

[Nico Marie]

Lol, thank you. I think I may have something draw for this.