Renew Your Life

Controlled Life

   She Said

   I'll work together
   I promise forever

   I will never leave

Please, I'm not naive

 

You called me your lovey
Now your lies flow cheaply

 

I'm not the trash on your floorboard

If your goal is to make me crash say no more

 

Your Mom speaks

   My knees are too weak

 

Dad demands

   I can't say no to his commands

 

I'm sorry, your so independent
Just like your lost under garment

 

It lies by his nose
Not a very fatherly pose

 

He rapes your mind
Isn't that a horrible sign

 

He's escalating again
It's not long before he commits a horrible sin

 

Nothing but failure exists there for you
You know they want you to sit there and stew

 

They have no vision of anything starting new

Their dreams are of my body in a grayish hue

 

You can become them
Or you can create your own limb

 

When the storms come
You have to be your own phylum

 

12 Steps in the right direction keeps you in sight
I just know they are ruining your flight

 

Escaping from them
There's no other way you can win

 

Your life can Renew
But it can't start with hiding You

 

Author's Note

All criticism/ comments welcome. Want to get to harsh message it to me please.

Reviews

[Tree]

I like what you're doing here. Your emotional tone is interesting. But I think youhave to do more to separate the two people speaking, make that more clear to the reader. Dialogue of any type is not my strength but I read a story today, well written, heavy on the dialogue. I picked up a few things myself. Check it out. I'll send you a link. It's not really a poem but that form, might be of use to you, give you some ideas. Keep fiddling, tweaking.

[Ees]

When the poem opens I like the way that you have included someone else's voice. In the line: "I'll work together"- it sounds odd, shouldn't she have said, "we'll work together?"
After that, the content of the poem is strong, the imagery is really really good. Most of the words are good... what I don't like when it comes to this poem is the rhyming scheme. It lends itself to humor in my opinion and this isn't a funny poem.

The last line is fantastic. If you change anything- don't change that line at all.

[Ees]

When the poem opens I like the way that you have included someone else's voice. In the line: "I'll work together"- it sounds odd, shouldn't she have said, "we'll work together?"
After that, the content of the poem is strong, the imagery is really really good. Most of the words are good... what I don't like when it comes to this poem is the rhyming scheme. It lends itself to humor in my opinion and this isn't a funny poem.

The last line is fantastic. If you change anything- don't change that line at all.

[G!o]

This is lovely. I adore the pace created by short stanzas. It adds weight to every line. Plus i adore how you managed to involve dialogue in this. The pain in it raped my mind too i must say. Heavy in pain and well written.

[Amanda J. S.]

Great poem! really liked the last paragraph!

[BIIKAY]

Wooow. Very awesome. I can tell this took sum to time to write..good job!!

[Henz]

very nice! full of angst! i can really relate to this.

[Tate Morgan]

We all come to the point where we were once children and then young adults .At that point it is a question of whether we respect our elders or walk on them

[Speak in Silence]

Wow this is so powerful, I love it. Good luck :)