Withering Flower

Here is the first true poem I have written. It tells a tale of life, through love's eyes.

I

What am I but a sorrowful grin

Living life at last

But what have I...

A fish monger, a bird, or even a flower

 

My Heart yearns to stop

As though my life is not cherished

I am the unseen, the forgotten, the dead

I am just a shadow in your eyes

 

II

All dressed and pressed to impress no other

With only a smile and a few odd flowers

Without the crowd gathering ‘round

My feet move forward, barely on the ground

 

With the sweet whisper in the air

Emotions of love, fear, and anxiety come clear

My body aches beneath you

Waiting for the one and only, that one’s kiss to clutch

 

My breath catches, my tears fall

Our shadows are one amongst them all

I used to fear what others would say

But no more, no more today

 

Now here I sit forty years later

The voice of others are all but a whisper

Through thick and thin we carried together

And even though my one is gone, we shall always love forever

 

III

What else is this love of mine 

For I am sure it is true

Like a rolling hill or a winding river

What else is this love of mine, but for you

 

As pleasant as nature and dark as death

My love for you is a withering flower

Only a heart beat and the warmth of your body...

You offered me

 

What do I have to offer but my love

Alone and swollen is my heart as it aches

Your torture, your death

What else is this love of mine, but a withering flower

Author's Note

Please ignore grammar errors. I am very interested to hear comments about the dialogue!
Thanks,
- Matt

Reviews

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

An interesting piece about life through the eyes of love. What is love? What is the true essence of it all? Is it meant to last? Will it endure? This piece brings up questions in my mind; ponderings of a sort.

"What do I have to offer by my love"--what indeed? What do any of us have to offer but the greatest gift that anyone can possibly bestow upon another human being. So many people write about love, but don't actually get to the heart of it all. Well done.

[minnie:)]

this is a great poem, loved it! :)

[Matt Millsaps]

Thank you very much!

[Mason Rayburn]

Very touching. Death is a powerful thing-whether figurative or literal. The separation of lovers is an unbearable sin on the world.

I would definitely say you conveyed your emotions adequately. Artfully and gracefully opened your heart to your audience and for that we thank you.

[Matt Millsaps]

Thank you very much! I greatly appreciate your kind words!

[smilempsn]

Awww.. that was so sweetly written,flowed with every word..
I loved the (III) paragraph the most :)

[Matt Millsaps]

Thank you! The final section is my favorite as well!

[smilempsn]

:)

[Pamela Gold]

I really like how this poem went sort of scene by scene. It painted a great visual and I couldn't wait to find out what was going to happen.

[Matt Millsaps]

Thank you so much! I must admit, when I was writing it, I couldn't wait to see what was going to happen next either!

[Jack...]

I liked this but feel you should have no more than two different ryhming schemes in a poem, but that is just me. It seemed to me that some rhymed and some didn't and some did but differently than others. If that makes any sense. It seems to me also you have combined free-verse with standard poetry, which is ok, if the meter follows a certain pattern.

In the first verse, "But what have I...a fish monger, a bird or even a flower. What have I and fish monger do not fit. A fish monger is a person and you are telling us you have a person. A fish would have fit better.

But still I liked this, there was just something about it that kept me reading. I don't normally leave long reveiws like this telling poets what they could do to make their poem better, but you asked.

[Matt Millsaps]

Thank you very much. This is just prose. There is no true scheme intended. Fish monger is a reference to Shakespeare. He many times used "fish monger" as a reference to a prostitute. Which is what I was intending. Setting the symbolism aside, the verse would read "What have I... A prostitute, freedom, or ever love. I do thank you very much for taking the time to to type your response. It is truly appreciated.

[Just Kim]

WOW, very deep read. Such a heart touching read as well.
I like the flow and rhyme scheme. Awesome writing skills

[Matt Millsaps]

Thank you! It was such a pleasure to write.

[Brandon S. Whitten]

Simply elegant. Not one to dissect. I leave that to the others. It was a splendid read and write.

[Matt Millsaps]

Thank you very much Brandon! I greatly appreciate it

[Riley Bray]

This is a very interesting poem, although the topic is not one I haven't heard before, (not that I care. I feel its the way its written that makes all the difference and this was written very well). The only two things I question are one: Why did you use roman numerals to separate the certain stanzas? It seems like you were using them to show off time passing but I'm not sure numerals are the best way to go about it. As for the other suggestion, and I do realize you asked to ignore errors, you had the line, "But no more, no more today." To me, at first this seemed odd, but then I realized you were using emphasis, so I think it would be wise to italicize the reiteration of no more. Anyway outstanding first poem and welcome to writerscafe!

[Matt Millsaps]

I greatly appreciate your comments/suggestions! I used roman numerals to show time passing. What would you recommend I do to show the passing of time. It is also worth noting that the 3 sections were written as 3 different poems AND not in the order as they appear. I greatly appreciate your review! Than you very much!

[Riley Bray]

Honestly? If you like the roman numerals, keep them. Different writers use different styles, and while roman numerals may not be mine, they could very easily be yours. However, if you truly do what my input, I would separate the first, second, and third sections by two or three lines at least, and in the center of the gap created I would make a stanza specifically about time passing. (Hell, if you made this into a song, the time passing stanza could be a chorus, if you rhymed correctly). Anyhow, I did understand the use of the numerals so it doesn't really matter if you change them. Another thing you could do is put the three different pieces of this poem as different poems altogether, I have seen other writers do it in the past. All you have to do is write the title and then say part one, two or three, (whichever it is), and it also works just as well. :)

[Matt Millsaps]

Thank you very much! I will keep this poem as is, but will use your helpfulness formatting suggestions in the future! Thanks so much!

[Riley Bray]

No problem!

[Coyote Poetry]

You did very well for writing your first poem. Great description of emotion and the desire of love. A very good flow of thoughts and I like the use of the language. Thank you for the excellent poem.
Coyote