Asteroid Hearts

You came obambulating clumsily
in on a powder blue draisine,
hiccuping with sins staining
the corners of your mouth.

This body is a doom shanty 
of druxy walls, housing
sticky cardboard remnants,
discarded tissues and spittle.

I am calm, so calm, as I say,
'Get the f**k out of here
and go ask Jack if you can
suck him off for a third time.'

I am lonely with you,
and there is no end to that--
unless your cold, imprisoning
blueness disembogues me.

Reviews

[M Breen]

The abstruse words demand a little work from the reader, but they and the piece are rewarding in images, ideas and sounds.
Behind it all, it is the theme that is difficult; not to understand, just to contemplate.
One little thing, I find the word 'valueless' a little redundant here; but that is possibly my prejudice against that word.

Again, a macabre wit and a human emotion which takes a lot of talent to unify and express as you have.

[Max Teal]

I agree. Good catch.

[Sami Khalil]

I like the ending the most but a good , unique style... :)

[Corset]

Well I am happy to say I don't know Jack. But I know pain when I read it.
you've done an exemplary job in expressing your angst in this :) well done!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

second stanza...yes, look what love has done to me...look how the pain has left me this valueless house with druxy walls...(nice)

this was an "ouch" to read, especially the next to last stanza..

one of my exes...there was a jack..and there was talk of sex but not with me..i wanted to shout this out several times...or something like it.

no wait..i did!

raw, in your face and real.

[Circe]

wow.... a style quite new and different.. I haven't read a poem like this before... very real.. and I like the originality in your descriptions, even if I don't know what some words mean, pardon my ignorance, but this is crafted most eloquently... the ending also impacting... like sucking life out of you, excellent.

[Rob Santana]

So I see you've been hurt before. Bullied right?

[Max Teal]

No, not really. Not in any way I remember very much.