Untame Eyes

in this poem, Mary is at Elizabeth's home, Elizabeth has given birth to John, and Mary is getting to know him. I need some advice with this one, wording, title, etc.

 

Small and fierce baby John,

“God’s Grace” nestled in my arms

Safe and warm,

And loved

 

There is wilderness in your eyes

And deep knowing

of things to come,

desert storms

 

But meanwhile, little one,

I sing you a lullaby of the ages

and play pat-a-cake

and peek-a-boo

 

Tiny hand curls round my finger

untame eyes proclaim “…”

my pregnant womb trembles

in joy or in fear?

Reviews

[Jibey]

You capture elements of John the Baptist's later character - the fiercely uncompromising message, the wilderness and desert storms... and of the tender heart of Mary, anticipating the experience to come, with its potential for joy and for grief...

I wasn't sure of the point of the "..." I seemed like an unnecessary gap...

Good use of simple verse structure to sustain the scene and create the atmosphere

[Mary]

thanks, I'll rethink the "..." I really appreciate the time you are taking for these poems, Jibey. Very very helpful.

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

I absolutely love the way you are doing these poems! Your special way with the wording and heartfelt way you seem to insert yourself into these people and feel them moves me every time. I think this is beautifully done. I would only say that I think "Untamed Eyes" would be my preference, but either way you have done what you set out to do....again. Stunning!

[Mary]

Thank you so much!

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

I love these poems.

[FJ Davis]

Your empathetic insight has spanned the centuries to create something true, something ageless, something utterly lovely.
The worthiness of this work can almost not be overstated.
A virtual triumph!

("Untamed Eyes" does, however, seem, to me, Mary, to be the better grammatical choice.)

[Mary]

I thought about that too, I go back and forth with it, not sure why. Thanks for your review.

[FJ Davis]

Suppose it just comes down to the fact that "Untamed" sounded a bit better to me. I rarely make the mistake of making such suggestions.
On the other hand, of all the things I said in my review, THIS is what you key on?
You're funny.

[Mary]

I am so grateful for the review, Frank, especially when you picked up on the timelessness of the poem. That is ultimately the goal of my "Mary" poems.

[RachelReaper]

This one is definitely one that stuck out to me, first of all, I love the ending. Mary is having mixed emotions about giving birth, I think.

[Distant horizons]

Beautifully worded.Perfect as is

[Patrick]

thought this was truly wonderful writing - the thought sprang to me, you could use 'wilderness' instead of wildness' and play on that theme. Maybe even the idea of Mary being pierced through with sorrow brought in. But to be honest it's all good.

[Nicola Farren]

I like this.I have often thought about writing about that look in someones eyes. Not really emptyness just a part of us waiting to be nurchered

[Whiskurz]

A beautiful account about the birth of John......Whisk

[gombeggar]

interesting and nicely done...ah, the loves and fears of mothers...i know it only by observation

[L. J. Clayton]

I think that your wording is perfect as it is, giving clear imagery and thought. As to the title, there are a few phrases with in the poem that stood out as possible alternatives, should you still wish to the title.

1. God's Grace
2.Untaimed Eyes

As always, these are just suggestions, feel free to ignore as you wish.

Thank you for sharing.
Laurie