Jan 3, 2006

These few paragraphs will explain what I have personally gone through.  Just a warning… it’s not a pretty picture but it’s a picture that must be painted.  These words are simply my testimonies… a prayer I’ve been asking for years… but was answered in a way I would never expect… through pain and suffering.  In anyway, my words have no intentions of firing up a guilt trip on anyone for I have already forgiven.  I realize my pain I have suffered and still suffering is not between me and human beings… but with God.

Only God knows me inside and out.  He knows my strengths and my weaknesses.  Through experiences, He has allowed me to know myself better.  The only way to truly change me and get to know myself better, is through love.  I’ve never been one to share how I feel with anyone… but these thoughts and feelings I’m about to write about is something no one has ever known.  Just something that has been shared between me and God.

About 5 or 6 years ago, I was given my first real test.  I don’t want to include names, but I fell in love with someone… it’s safe to say she was my first love.  We were together for 2 years and I thought the world of her.  Needless to say, we broke up, but not by my choice.  Words couldn’t describe as to how shattered I was.  My whole beautiful world that I had so built it with this love all came crashing down within a few minutes.  So hurtful was it, it was as though my body was rejecting the pain for the first couple weeks, trying to force myself it wasn’t real.  It was official… I hit rock bottom… without warning… depression and loneliness hit me like a ton of bricks.  While the whole time I didn’t stop talking to God… I needed Him more than anything.  It didn’t matter how much I begged and pleaded for mercy, this pain would not stop hitting me.  It was then I felt as though I was given a choice.  The pain and suffering after a year was slowly starting to lighten up.  I was given two paths to follow… the first path was long and much enduring more suffering… but at the very end of it which I could barely see, was beautiful.  The second path consisted of an obviously easier path to take… but at the end… it was very dark.  I obviously took the easier path.  Allowing bitterness, hate, and the unforgiven of what happened to me… to manifest in me.  In return… turning me into a totally different person from which God had not made me.

 

Three years go by and all I could manage to do was destroy or hurt anything in my path.  To feed the never-ending hunger of my flesh… I could never seem to get enough of this spirit destructing drug.  By this time, I had built up a fortress around my heart to protect it from any further damage caused by love.  I would allow NO ONE to get in.  I told myself I would never allow myself to go through this experience again.  The whole time my soul was crying out… but was hushed with the temporary satisfaction I received from the feeding of the flesh.  So entangled and engulfed in sin… there was no way out… but with the only emotion I would not allow myself to experience again.  It was like the story of the Greeks and the horse they built for the infiltration of the indestructible city of Troy.  Only for me, it was a horse filled up with love inside… waiting to destroy the city of hate I had built up for many years.  It was then… it happened

I eventually met someone else.  As much as my body was fighting it, I couldn’t resist falling for this person.  It was official… I had a new love… and I felt alive again.  It felt incredible… all the joy and the warmness I had been missing out all these years.  Regardless of the fact we weren’t together long, I was still in love.  When I fall in love, I fall hard… I can’t help it… it’s just how I was made… and this was how it ended.

The long awaited story from that weekend when I went to South Carolina to visit my girlfriend (at the time).  This story will be more in detail because it explains more.  Everything was going incredible as usual… never had I ever met anyone so wonderful in my entire life.  There wasn’t a night that went by that I didn’t thank God for bringing this amazing individual into my life.  After spending a couple days in South Carolina with her, we went to the beach to just hang out.  We sat down and we weren’t holding much of a conversation.  I was just enjoying the scenery, but something was obviously bothering her.  She finally told me in the exact words, “I think my feelings for you have changed.”  Once again, my world was destroyed.  Everything seemed to be déjà vu.  Indeed, it was all happening to me again.  All the exact devastating and hurtful emotions coming back… but with a vengeance.  I felt my body rejecting this painful experience once again… so unbelievable this felt.  All the hate and vengeance I’ve felt in the past were racing through me once again.  Shocked… I couldn’t say anything for an hour.  Feeling isolated from the whole world, I reluctantly decided to spend the remaining of my weekend up there.  I knew the 7 hour drive back to Jacksonville was going to be extremely painful for me… I was only delaying it.

The day finally came; it was time for me to go home.  I had left her house feeling completely at loss and confused.  Everything I had put into this loving relationship was gone, as if it meant nothing.  I was emotionally broken.  Just a few miles down the road, I merge onto the highway… only to find myself driving along a mile long line of cars… and in the front was a hearse.  This is where it began, I was now driving alongside and in-between these vehicles, camouflaged with all the other criers.  I knew God had set that up so perfectly.

Those 7 hours I had spent in my car were some of the most painful experiences, I was faced with.  My emotions were a roller-coaster riding into depression… praying to God and begging for help.  I kept getting this feeling this was not between me and my ex girlfriend.  This was between me and God.  The whole 7 hours… I was constantly being hit with waves of anger, rage, hate, confusion, and depression.  Not only was the heartache at the edge of an unbearable breakdown, but every individual issue I had at the time, seemed to be hitting me at amplified speeds consistently.     It was tearing me up inside so unrelenting, I was asking God to take me out of this world.  Knowing that was the only easy way out.

Little was I realizing, my love and faith in God were growing.  Slowly and painful… my heart through many years of vengeance and spite which had grown so dry and unwilling to grow a loving seed from God, was now being ripped open with the thunderous poundings of pain and suffering.  It was then; I gave up… my cave of hate I built up, caved in.  My heartstrings controlled by evil… came undone.