Jan 23, 2006

If anyone has ever said being a Christian is easy, they have either not experienced being one, or labeling oneself as a Christian is a flat out lie.  It is truly the most enduring relationship that weighs the most tremendous toll on my mind, body, and spirit.  This is definitely not for the weak.  Everything I’ve known or read in and about the bible is all coming to life… it’s almost scary.  Why is surrendering to God much more difficult than giving into the Devil of this world?  With succumbing to the Devil, everything seems to run much smoother, less problems, less pain… it seems to be the good life.

If only I would hate the ones who hurt me… whether intentionally or not… these severe emotional wounds won’t go away despite the fact I’ve forgiven… or have I?  It is much easier to hate those than to forgive them.  I have gone as far as even thinking about praying so that I could never love such as the two times I have.  The only “thing” that seems to be dragging what’s left of me is that one day this will all be over and I’ll be in heaven.  Which brings me to another question… how can people live a normal life without God?

Everything seems to be eating me up, from inside to out.  The fact that I even share these feelings is strong enough to make me turn in my grave when my time comes.  And to think, I have been asked to talk about my experiences is nothing more than preposterous.  Which brings me to another conclusion about my stressful most underrated disability known as shyness, with this comes the fear of expression.  It is either a thorn in my side from God that disables me from speaking neither curses nor blessings, but also renders me from destructive activities because I believe I am a wild person at heart… or one of Satan’s demons lodged in my throat which makes me incapable of communicating from my heart through my mouth.  Whichever way, the stress just keeps adding up.  Every addiction I’ve created in the past and present is only amplified again and again, the more I resist them, the stronger they come back.  Only giving into them is the only temporary satisfaction I undergo.  I must thank God however, through Him I have found a different way of “temporarily” healing myself by using good rather than feeding addictions.  The encouraging words from others are only so limited as to how far they can push me towards God.  At this moment, writing appears to be the key to my locked up pain… which is why at this very moment I am writing.  It’s almost humorous, but I don’t care about my college degree, I often don’t even care about my car, possessions, and in extremely rare cases... my career with the government.

I do not believe I deserve the emotional hurts I’ve received; I myself can’t even hurt an animal without feeling some sort of guilt, let alone another human being.  It’s very obvious life isn’t fair… but only focusing on my pains and burdens is self-centered and selfish.  There are people born into a physically emotionally abusive families, did they ask to be born onto such a wicked family?  I wouldn’t think so, but yet it is their responsibility and a God given command to forgive.  This is just one but many treacherous examples of the unbalances of life, but the most unfair of them all, if I am allowed to compare is Jesus.  Going through what He did for us with complete innocence, and with the opportunity to stop the pain at any moment, He kept on.  I have also heard He was offered alcohol to slightly soften the physical pain, but He didn’t.  Why?  To face the wrath of the horrid sin me and you walk in everyday.

The true blessing about my writing is not only the healing and satisfaction I get out of it, but the fact I get responses from people who have connected through my writing, and it has helped them in some sort of way.  It’s kind of like… killing an “X” number of demons with one stone.  Thank you Jesus.