Forever On

(I need a better name so please help XD)

“You are brave, you are strong, and your tale will live forever on.”

A princess by the name of Ziltha Glaswar lived a lonely life within her castle walls. She was rather lonely, as her parents kept her locked up tighter than their gold. She wouldn’t even come in contact with her parents all that often, for they were always busy fighting off the East, and wanted to keep her safe.

 Despite being locked away in her room, Ziltha was able to do whatever she pleased within her walls. She read many books on combat, honed her skills with weapons, and even surpassed the military noble, Winshile, in his ability to plan and trick enemies. With this knowledge however, Ziltha managed to escape from her locked-up life, and into that of a dangerous world. Little did they know, the world wasn’t ready for the danger that was locked up within those walls.

She had packed many rations from fortnight’s prior, and set out but a few hours before the sun was to set. She had heard stories of a monster lurking in the west, and decided to investigate. 

Many days later, she reached the forest foretold by the books she had read. Not even a few meters in, Ziltha heard whispers -pleading whispers- asking her to leave. If this was truly the monster, why would such a horrible being beg for her to leave? With a turn, Ziltha laid eyes upon a tall, cloaked being. “Who might you be?” Ziltha asked as she rested an arm on the hilt of her sword. The cloaked figure swayed back and forth, as if it were to blow away on the wind. “I- Please, do leave.” The creature said as it retreated behind a tree. However, when Ziltha reached the tree that the creature had disappeared behind, it wasn’t there.

 A bit disappointed, but more importantly, determined, she set out looking for some place this thing may abide in. She found several small caves, though they showed no signs of any inhabitants. She found old ruins of what looked to be a house, though it was far too damaged to serve as shelter. Finally, she came across old, towering ruins of a castle, which gave her the creeps. She was sure this is where she’d find the creature. 

As she meandered through old hallways, lined with rubble and the occasional bone that an animal had dragged in, she had came across several rooms which seemed to have been tampered with, and a room that had a well-made bed and was free of rubble, as there were supports holding up the ceiling. She decided to wait there a while, to see if the creature would come to their room, but nothing came. 

After walking around a while more, Ziltha heard what sounded to be a whispery-scream, though it didn’t sound frightened, but more or less aggravated. Ziltha, being the curious girl she was, went to see who was there, and what she found surprised her. 

Sitting in the middle of the old castle’s main hall, sat a woman, rocking back and forth and mumbling. “Are you alright, miss?” Ziltha asked with a hint of worry, after all, it wasn’t every day she found a woman in some old castle. In a flash, the woman turned and lunged at Ziltha, catching her off guard and throwing her back towards a wall. That is when Ziltha noticed the cloak laying in the middle of the floor. The woman’s worried look was tainted by her bloodthirsty eyes and long, claw-like nails that were now digging into Ziltha’s shoulders. 

Ziltha kicked the woman back, giving her enough time to draw her sword, though she didn’t want to use it. “What are you? Why do you live in this castle?” A look in the woman’s eyes reminded her of the old tales she had heard, but one in particular stood out.

A long, long while ago, there was a queen named Elnif. She was a skilled warrior, and could (and would) beat any man in a battle of steel. Despite her skills in combat, she had a kind heart, and would often help her people in every way she could. Though, as she had won many wars, she had made many enemies. One in particular, by the name of Milder Halsvitch was a mage who was highly feared. In fact, that is how he became king in the East- fear. When Elnif noticed the fear and corrupt ways of the East, she challenged Halsvitch in a battle, one on one. She was to use her weapons, and he was to use his magic. Despite all odds, Elnif won, ending it with her hands around Halsvitch’s neck. 

It seemed like a happy ending, but tragedy soon followed. A necromancer that worked under Halsvitch dug up his body and reanimated the already soulless man. Halsvitch, newly dug up from the grave, broke into Elnif’s living quarters. It was too late for her to do anything, though. She was cursed by Halsvitch and she ran away from the town, leaving Halsvitch to take over. Stories told of Halsvitch slaughtering the whole town, all of the souls gaining him more power, and all that was left of the town was ruins- and a woman who was once a fearless warrior was nothing but a fearful, worried, and bloodthirsty creature.

After coming to the realization that this was Elnif, Ziltha did the only thing she thought was right. She layed down her sword and kneeled. In fact, Elnif’s tales were what inspired Ziltha, and she was determined to be as skilled as her in every way. “Elnif?” Ziltha spoke in a quiet and respectful manner, but as she spoke Elnif’s name, the woman’s face relaxed, as if she had just gotten back a piece of herself that was long lost. 

The two sat in silence for a while, but Elnif eventually spoke, “How did you know who I- was?” It seemed as though Elnif was still not whole, as if on the day she was cursed, she shattered into thousands of pieces and was never able to retrieve them. “I have read many tales about you, and you inspired me.” Elnif got up, shaking her head and tearing at her arm- most likely a nervous habit. “You still seem so… human for being cursed,” Ziltha added. Elnif shot a quick glance to Ziltha before sighing and picking up her cloak. “You shouldn’t be inspired by someone who fell in the end,” said Elnif as she tried to walk past Ziltha, but was stopped. “You haven’t fallen. I mean- it doesn’t seem like you’ve fully succumbed to the curse, and you’ve kept your humanity!” Elnif wasn’t satisfied, and attempted to push the fifteen year old girl aside, but holding her ground, Ziltha didn’t budge. “People paint me as a monster, and they forgot who I once was, so let them. They can be burned alive by Halsvitch for all I care.” Elnif sighed once more as she headed for another door. 

Ziltha shook her head in disbelief. “What happened to the brave and kindhearted woman I read about? Why doesn’t she…” Ziltha paused for a moment, then continuing, “Halsvitch? Isn’t he dead?” Elnif turned on her heel, looking dead into Ziltha’s eyes. “Of course not. Life isn’t some fairy tale with a happy ending. He rules in the east still.” Ziltha shook her head, thinking Elnif was just still stuck in the past. “No-” Elnif cut her off, her temper was clearly showing now. “Yes, you may think that Yulno is ruling, but Halsvitch is the one pulling the strings. Ha, I remember when Yulno was a little boy. He was so sweet and kind- I wonder if he would still be as kind without a knife against his throat.” 

Elnif shook her head and sighed, walking out of the door. Ziltha stood for a moment in disbelief. She had heard about the cruel ruler, Yulno, but had thought that it was merely the man. She had no clue that Halsvitch was behind it. 

Ziltha’s footsteps approached quickly behind Elnif, and Elnif was left to do nothing but admire the girl’s persistence. “Why do you keep following me? What is it you want? I truly don’t want a brave lady such as yourself ending up like them,” Elnif said as she gestured to the bones on the ground, the same ones Ziltha had passed earlier. Blatantly ignoring the comment Elnif made (and hoping it was a joke) she stopped Elnif once more, looking her dead in the eye. “I want you to help me, and for you to become what you once were.” There was a sparkle in the girl’s eye that made Elnif feel human again. After 100 years of being cursed, someone daring enough finally came, and it happened to be a girl that reminded her of herself.

With a sigh, Elnif’s face went stern as she asked, “Alright, what is it you want help with?” Ziltha’s eyes lightened, and her smiled widened. Elnif knew immediately what the girl was planning…

Chapter two War horse

The trip to the East was a long, treacherous one, but the time passed rather quickly when Elnif told tales of old. When Ziltha asked questions, Elnif happily obliged. Ziltha quickly adapted to the needs and wants of Elnif’s curse, such as the constant demand for raw flesh and meat, so she’d hunt. 

They settled down by the fire, ready for whatever was to come tomorrow. They were only ten miles from the East’s walls, not but a day’s trip. As the two quietly chatted, something in the dirt caught Elnif’s eye, and she began to pry it free. Upon retrieving it, with a smile she slid a small glass bottle into a pocket in her cloak. 

“Why keep a musty old bottle?” Ziltha arched a brow as she bit into the leg of a turkey she had caught earlier. With a smile, Elnif answered, “Well, believe it or not, bottles have spectacular stories, you just need to know how to read them. They can tell of bandits, or maybe an alchemist? Like everything, they keep stories just as well. I suppose if that answer is not good enough for you, though, I ought to say that you can just use them later on for something.”

With a satisfied nod, Ziltha readied herself to sleep, but within a few moments, a worried cry erupted through the forest. After a moment of scanning the trees around them, they noticed a horse galloping towards them, though no one was on it. Elnif, quick and wit-minded, mounted the horse and managed to get it to stop. The horse had armor, so it was a war horse, but the symbol engraved into the collarbone portion of the horse’s armor was all too familiar- It was engraved with Ziltha’s family emblem.

Author's Note

I do apologize for not being on here as of late. I haven't been able to be here due to work stuffs and trying to develop my art @.@ Thank you guys so freakin much! Honestly I think this is my best story (Although it isn't finished yet) I have refined it and I hope there are little to no errors (I hope LOL) Have an amazing day! Stay frosty! and keep writing! :D

Reviews

[Vertigo Cat1111]

I loved this! Amazingly written, and I adored the names you chose. I actually really love the name 'Forever On'. The writing is amazing, and really, please keep writing! And keep working on your art, I bet that's just as amazing. And yes, so far it is your best story.

[Rose]

AHHH THANK YOU SO MUCH! I'm so sorry I haven't responded nor posted lately! I've been quite busy! Thank you so, so much and I hope you have a day as amazing as yourself!

[Vertigo Cat1111]

It's no problem! I do the same myself, it's hard to keep up when it gets busy. I hope you have a wonderful day too and you're taking care of yourself even when you're working hard!

[duda_dei]

I like this. It was a good read and I would continue to read your story. There were times I did feel a little short-changed. I agree with JayG in that sometimes you have to allow your reader to experience the emotions.

Here is an example: "Finally, she came across old, towering ruins of a castle, which gave her the creeps. She was sure this is where she’d find the creature."

I don't know what you mean by "gave her the creeps". My wife is creeped out by bugs. I'm not. So tell me what she is feeling and why. This is what I mean that I feel short-changed. I'm expected to fill in some blanks. Too many of these and I quit reading.

[Rose]

Ah I understand! I didn't catch that! That is a very good point and I appreciate it very much! I will be sure to fix the wording in those spots to help the story feel more immersive! Thank you and have a day as amazing as yourself!

[JayG]

Fourteen is both a good and a bad time to take up fiction-writing. Good because it’s fun. On the other hand, there are things you must know, but that, through no fault of your own, you don’t. And, they’re unrelated to how well you write, your talent, or the story.

Ready for the first one? True to your training in the techniques of writing, you’re focused on the events of the story, and telling the reader a story. I know that seems like exactly what we should be doing, but.... Think about your own reading preferences. If you read a horror story, do you want the author to tell you that the protagonist feels terror? Or do you want them to make you feel it, and perhaps be afraid to turn out the light when it’s time to sleep? Do you want to learn that the protagonist has fallen in love, or be made to fall in love with that person, yourself, for the same reasons?

As E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” Did any one of your teachers spend even a second on how to do that, or that you should? Absolutely not, because they’re not teaching you how to practice the profession, Fiction-Writing. They’re readying you for the needs of adulthood. And as part of that, you need the kind of writing skills employers require: the ability to write reports and essays. In other words, nonfiction. So that’s the kind of writing you’re taught, and mostly assigned to write. But the goal of nonfiction is to inform. So it’s fact-based and author-centric. A narrator the reader can neither see nor hear reports and explains. Us those skills and techniques for fiction and it reads like a report.

Look at the opening, not from the viewpoint of the author, who knows the situation, the characters and their history, and your objective. Instead, take the reader’s seat, knowing only what they know, and taking the meaning the words suggest to them.

• A princess by the name of Ziltha Glaswar lived a lonely life within her castle walls.

As you read these words you know how how old she is, what century, and world she lives on and in, why her life was lonely, and why it matters. You know that it's her father's castle, not hers. So for you, it makes perfect sense, and the words act as a pointer to images, action, and more, all held in your mind. The reader? For them, the words act as a pointer to images, action, and more, all held in *YOUR* mind. And since you’re not there to ask, or explain…

See the problem? Learning that on opening any scene we need to provide context for where we are, what’s going on, and whose skin we wear when entering a scene, you’re rethink this opening paragraph, right? The problem is that you'll never try to fix the probelem you don't see as being one. As the great Mark Twain put it: “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

But how much else is there that you’re not aware of because it’s part of the profession? What other, "just ain't so's" do you suffer from? Remember, they offer four year majors in fiction-writing in college. Surely we actually need some of that. Right?

Remember, professional knowledge is acquired IN ADDITION to what you’re working so hard to learn in school. That doesn’t say you can’t be picking that knowledge up as a personal project. It does, though, mean that that as long as you use nonfiction writing techniques it will read like, well, nonfiction. And while reading fiction is fun, and can be exciting, it no more teaches you those necessary skills than does eating make a cook of you. Like medicine and bricklaying, writing fiction is a learned skill. Remember, all your life you’ve been choosing fiction that was written with those skills. So you expect to see the result of them in what you read. More to the point, YOUR readers expect to see it in your work, so…. What do you do? You add the skills you need to those you’re getting in school.

Will it be a nice easy list of, “Do this not that?” If only…. It’s as profession, and they take time and study. To see how different the approach to fiction is from what you’re now doing, follow the link at the bottom of this post and check a few of the articles in my WordPress writing blog. They’re meant for the hopeful writer. And if what you see there makes sense, and you want to learn the skills and tricks I talk about, I have two suggestions:

First, check your local library system for Debra Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation and Conflict. It’s an easy first book, and reads like you’re sitting with Deb and talking about writing.

If that book isn’t available, follow the link under this paragraph to pick up a copy of Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer. It’s the best book I’ve found, to date on the basics of creating scenes that will sing to the reader. It’s NOT an easy book, which is why I suggested Deb’s book first. But if that’s not available…. In any case, I’d pick up a copy before they change their mind. If you find Deb’s, read it and practice what she gives you for six months, then read Swain’s book.
https://ru.b-ok2.org/book/2640776/e749ea

So.... I know this is pretty far from what you hoped for, given how hard you worked on that story, and how meaningful it is for you. But now, before you practice the wrong writing habits into stone, is a great time to start on what you need, and practice that. Given that, I thought you might wasn’t to know.

So jump in. Hard or easy, you’ll be learning about something you want to do. And, the practice is writing stories. What’s not to love?

The world needs more crazies who can be staring at the wall, and when asked, “What are you doing?” can honestly say, “Working.” So hang in there, and keep-on-writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Rose]

I don't know where to start! I am so freaking grateful for the help! I want to make sure that my story is the best it can be, and what better way to do that than get help from those far more experienced than I? Honestly, this broke it down very good for me, and I appreciate it so much! I will start working on the far more developed story that is fit for the reader rather than the writer! I thank you again for your immense help! Have a day as amazing as yourself!

[Rose]

ALSO! I forgot to add, I will definitively be checking out these books. They will help tons and I really need that!

Also, I thought I would just ask to see if this would be a good replacement for "Ziltha Glaswar lived a lonely life within her castle walls."
I was thinking I could remove that part, and write it like this;
"There was a princess by the name of Ziltha Glaswar. Her parents, the King and Queen of the North, kept her locked up tighter than their gold. She wouldn’t even come in contact with her parents all that often, for they were always busy fighting off the East, and wanted to keep her safe. The only voices she came in contact with, were those of the birds outside of her window."
Does the last sentence express the loneliness in a correct manner?
Thanks again for the help!

[JayG]

"There was a princess by the name of Ziltha Glaswar"

You’re being held captive by the report-writing skills you’ve been trained in, and are explaining to the reader, when you should be making them feel as if they're living the story. You tell them she’s good at fighting. But...won’t they notice that when she uses those skills? You tell them that she packed supplies. Won’t they know that when she reaches into her pack and take them out? Does the reader care what’s in the pack? Absolutely not. That’s not story, it’s detail.

Take a look at every line. If it doesn’t move the plot, develop character, or meaningfully set the scene, it serves only to slow the time to read the scene. And the faster it reads the more impact on the reader. Small things like telling the reader, “A princess by the name of Ziltha Glaswar …” is data, not story. Do we care what he last name is? Won’t we know what she is when someone calls her Princess, or Princess, Ziltha? Why do you have to hog the stage explain things to a reader who hasn't been made to WANT what you're explaining?

Are you in the story? No. Are you on the scene? Again no. So when you talk about her, why doesn’t the princess turn to you and say, “Who the hell are you and why are you following me around?” She doesn’t, yet at the same time stops what she’s going so you can speak, and waits till you finish to go on. How can it seem real to a reader?

So, look to see if it’s the protagonist living the scene or you talking about it. Check if it’s in overview or real time. Story happens in real-time, not in overview.

Suppose you’d opened the story with something like:
- - - - - - -
Princess Ziltha stopped, ten feet inside the Arbing forest, wondering if she was being foolish. The idea of escaping the castle, if only for a day, to seek traces of the monster said to live in these woods, sounded exciting while she was loading the pack she carried. And evading the eyes of those who would have stopped or reported her as she skulked from the castle had been an adventure.

Even the walk to the forest—breathing the air untainted by the stink of privies in the village around the castle—was new and exciting. Explaining where she’s been and why she’d done it might be a bit hard, but that was something to worry about when she returned with the head of the monster tucked under her arm.

But now, she was here, and the trail ahead lay in deepening afternoon shadow. An itching between her shoulder blades was the result of the realization that not being able to see more than ten feet into the forest on either side meant that there could be a bear, a big cat, or, the monster just beyond vision, tracking HER.

The very real danger she’d not realized was there turned the swagger with which she entered the forest into something far more careful, and of themselves, her eyes flicked from bush, to tree, to the trail. Her senses heightened, as she analyzed each sound and flicker of light for danger.

For just a moment she gave thought to turning back. But then came the realization that for the first time in her life she felt truly alive. This was danger, true danger, not sword practice with wooden blades, and it felt good.

She took a deep breath, before announcing. “Hear me creatures of the woodland, I am Princess Ziltha Glaswar, of Ranova, and I fear neither the forest nor what lies within it!” And with that she strode forward, hand on her sword hilt and ready for what came.

“Well, Princess Ziltha Glaswar, of Ranova,” a voice said, from just off the trail. “You clearly are an idiot, because….”
- - - - - -
Your story? No, just a quick parallel to show another way to begin an opening scene. Not one of those 349 words (about the same as your first 5 paragraphs) comes from a narrator talking TO the reader ABOUT the events. Instead, what’s presented as what matters to the princess as she enters the woods. And it’s told from within the moment she calls “now.” Nothing is mentioned but what matters to her in that moment. But look what we’ve learned, incidentally.

1. Her name and the name of the country.
2. She had training in martial arts. (backstory on her).
3. She’s not supposed to be out of the castle, and has skills and getting out without being seen. (character development)
4. She’s just inside a wild forest, and has never been in one before—never been on her own outside the castle. (backstory and plot movement)
5. Human habitations at her level of civilization stink. (scene setting)
6. She’s willful (character development)
7. She’s young, and because she lacks experience underestimates the danger. (character development)
8. Her short-term scene-goal is to explore the woods with the idea that she might kill the monster she’s heard of. (plot movement)
9. She feels real fear, and conquers it. (again, character development).
10. Daddy is REALLY going to be pissed. (plot point)
11. Note that because she thinks not at all that if everyone fears it and the king’s men haven’t caught it, she just might be outmatched and in real danger. (character development and foreshadowing)
12. Someone, or some thing, has noticed her before she noticed it/them, and doesn’t think a lot of her. (plot movement)

Look at some other things.

1. We begin with her standing in the woods, stopped, and reacting to her first impression of the place. This motivates her to think back on what led her there, making the description HER reaction, not a report by the narrator.

It makes her mentally review the events that brought her there. So the reader gets that backstory naturally, not as an info-dump by an unknown “explainer.”

2. Those thoughts motivate her to “turn up the volume” on her sensory input, and think about the real danger she might face. In doing so, and reacting to it, time has been moved forward to the next motivation, giving the reader the feeling of time passing in the story. for them.

3. She’s forced to rethink the idea of what she’s doing. That motivates her to gather her courage, announce her resolve to the world (in reality, convincing herself), and stride on. Another tick of the clock for the reader.

4. The remark on her lack of brains by someone unknown will motivate her search out who said it, and to react to what was said.

Isn’t how she's experiencing the scene how you live your life? From waking till sleep your life is an unbroken chain of motivation and response. Can your protagonist live any differently and seem real?

Notice that everything was presented in a character-centric, and emotion-based way, where the nonfiction approach is to explain and report: author-centric and fact-based.

Are you going nod in understanding and then do that? You already know the answer to that. You can't use the tools you don't know exist

It would be wonderful of I could give you a list of, “Do this instead of that,” and, presto, you’re writing fiction like a pro.

If only…

But what matters is that you CAN learn to do that as easily as you learned your present skill-set. It’s no harder than was learning the skills you now own. But, you do have to learn them, and practice them as you do, so you don’t just nod in understanding, and then forget what you heard about the point a day later. So check those articles I suggested, and read that book, slowly and carefully, not going on till you make sense of it.

I know, you want to be a writer right now. And I don’t blame you. And certainly, there’s no reason you can’t write at the same time as you’re picking up some new tricks. But as you learn, your options multiply, and the act of writing becomes more fun as the protagonist becomes your co-writer, and whispers suggestions and warnings in your ear.

[Rose]

I very much appreciate this... I will read the articles and go through what I had wrote and re-write it paragraph by prargraph. That'll help me see how I can write it and improve it far more than what I had, and make it more like you had wrote! (because that was amazing...) Thank you very much for your help, as it means a lot to me!