My Big Disappointment

I struggled with Math throughout school and the one time I ever managed to get an A- in an exam, my parents never gave me what I had expected, and shamed me for not getting an A+

              

           As a young child, the one subject, I detested the most was Math.  I know its rare, but that there is a percentage of students that actually are good in Math and love it too. I never did, and not so much, because of the many concepts that it held, and the such, but more due to the torture, I would suffer at home, at hands of a man, that was my father, but also an accountant. 

               He simply did not understand, why I would make a big deal about Math, as for him, numbers came easy to him, and still do. So for some reason, he thought, that I would acquire this natural ability of his, and develop a Love for this so called Math Subject. That never happened, I can assure you of this, but in the end, as I was starved from receiving Love and or praise, I would do my best, to get good grades, even if I had to cheat.  So, as I passed on through elementary and got to Middle School, Math, became harder.  And I would ask for help at school, yet, my dad thought, he was helping me out, by teaching me, using his own method at home. And hence, why, I would hate going home, after school, cause each night, would be full of insults and spankings or beatings, depending on his mood.  And I have shared of a traumatic experience, after I was unable to give him the right answer.  And this happened a lot.

                The teachers would do what they could to help me, and I would do good, in Summer school, but somehow, I believe, that they were never able to connect the dots as to why, I seemed to lose confidence, very quickly.  And that was due more to the fact, that he would tell me I had s**t, in my head, and that I was probably full of pig s**t, and the such.  And so, one day, I was getting ready for an exam, and studied hard. I even made my own questionnaire and did my best to memorize most concepts. See, I was good at memorizing things, but of course in Math, there were too many formulas to memorize.  Eventually, I had told my dad to not help me, and he had conceded, and finally the day came for the exam.  I was nervous, but prayed to God, that my mind not go blank.  

                  Once the exam was finished, I turned in my paper, and went on with life. A week later, the teacher was returning the exams, and as she approached my desk, she smiled at me, and said,¨Good work, Maria, you got an A-¨, and I smiled in return and could not believe, that I had managed to get an A.  I would mostly get Fs and Ds and sometimes manage a C+ if anything. Yet, I had never gotten an A, much less an A- on a Math Exam!   I was so proud of myself, and full of excitement, and could not wait to get on home and show my mom and dad, the grade I had gotten.  Well, as the bell rang, and we ran to our buses, I made sure to have the exam, in my hand, so my mom could see it, and ask what it was.  My brother kept on looking at me all weird, but I had decided to not say a thing to him. 

               So once we were dropped off, I ran inside and looked for my mom. ¨¨Mom, Mommy, look, oh look, see look at this!¨, I said to her, excitedly, and she was washing dishes, and half smiled at me, and said, ¨Honey, can you not see, that I am busy, please go change, and come on down for your snack..¨  So I stopped jumping and did as she told me, but I still had the paper in hand, when I returned to the kitchen.  Finally, she gave us our snack, and told me to hand over the paper.  My heart was beating so fast against my rib cage, as I waited to see, her eyes shine, with approval, and waited for her to congratulate me on such a good grade.  After a few minutes, she looked up and said,¨Why is there a minus sign besides the A,?¨, and I told her that it must of been due to a wrong answer, that the teacher gave me part of that point. She smiled, but it was not the smile, I had expected and she patted my head and said, ¨Try better, next time...¨, and I was left sitting there, in shock and horror.  I was confused and hurt, and could not understand, why she had not reacted more happily.  And I looked at the grade again, and thought, that the minus sign, was not a good thing after all, and perhaps, the grade was not even an A, at all.  I never finished my snack, and went up to my room.  I cried for an hour or two, and once my dad got home, I hesitated to showing him the exam, but in the end, I did, and he said,¨ Next time get an A+, and I will rejoice gladly. This tells me nothing. Minus takes away, not adds. Do not ever show me this again.¨  And by that time, my heart, broke into a million pieces, and my brother made fun of me, and I ran back to my room and cried some more. 

                   

            After that day, I never tried to do my best, for I had lost all interest in getting As and or being an Honor Roll student.  I ended believing that my dad was right and my head was indeed full of s**t, and no matter, what I did, I would never live up to my parents own expectations and deemed myself a failure.  If only they had known, what happened to me on that day, I wonder, if they would have been more careful, on reacting how they did.  And so, you see, I always, thought that in order to be Loved, you had to earn it by being smart, and educated.  And in the end, I never was as smart as they wanted me to be, and kept on comparing me with others, throughout the rest of my life.

                    I have shed many a tear, for many reasons, good and bad, and this one time, I had done something good, or so I had thought, but never got the support, or reassurance I had been looking for in my parents.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is one of the best stories that I've read from you. You are very good at remembering all the tiny details that go together to build a huge ugly situation. I forget most of my own details when I try to write about these painful topics. Your way of telling your story is so straightforward & honest, not trying to get sympathy, but just trying to show how it was & how it felt. I'm totally "WITH YOU" as I read your stories.

I have so many things about my own childhood experience that come to the surface when I read this. I was a straight-A student, but my parents only said "Why did you get this A-?" instead of giving praise for my other perfect grades. Many people do not understand how such regular insults & putdowns can destroy one's self-confidence. You tell your stories as a confident woman, but I know it has been a big struggle for you to get your confidence back, after the things you lived thru as a child. You do us all a favor by putting your truth out there, so we abused ones do not feel like we are weak for still hurting, all these years later (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Here's hoping you & your family have a lovely Christmas with much joy & sharing!