Forgive me

Forgiveness is not my problem

Or maybe it is, but not in the normal sense

 I forgive too much, too easily, too often without accessing the problem

I never think how things must change

 If nothing changes then the need for forgiveness is inevitable

 

I forgave him the first time he cheated

I forgave him all the times after that

I even forgave him when he snuck the mistress in my room

When my mother came home early to surprise him

 

I forgave him for the Pethidine again and again

I forgave him when she got sick and he left me

I forgave him when he did not come back for me

I forgave him for not even thinking about me

 

I forgave him when he took all her money

And did not send any for groceries

I forgave him when my brothers’ friends were doing grocery shopping

Just to keep her alive

 

I forgave him after finding the pictures of his vacation

With his mistress

I forgave him for lying about not being able to come home

I forgave him for letting her die.

 

I forgave him for inviting his mistress to the funeral.

I forgave him for taking such good care of my brother

 After he got the same sickness that killed her

 The care he just did not give to her.

 

I forgave him for bringing his mistress into my mothers’ house

I forgave him for getting his mistress pregnant.

I forgave him for letting his mistress tell me on my birthday

The birthday I shared with my mother

 

I forgave him for making his mistress, his wife.

I even forgave him for never being a father.

 

It’s not that I am tired of forgiving.

 I just realized that the problem was that he was never sorry

 There was never a moment of regret or shame with him

 If he is not sorry, he will do it again

 

 Does that not make me the fool?

 

I just do not give him enough room

To need my forgiveness now

I do not hate him or resent him

 I just do not; when it comes to him...I just do not

I just can't

 

How many times have I heard

 “They can only hurt you as much as you let them”

 How many times have I said it?

 Well it’s true!

 

 Life has given me a choice

My life or my father

And I choose life

 There is just no room for both

I hope he can forgive me

But even if he cannot

 I won’t be around to notice

 

I love him, I was made to

 That comes naturally to me

More naturally then loving myself

But I am learning still

 

 Learning to love him less and love me more

And it will come because I made my choice, the right choice

The only choice...really

Author's Note

I’m not really sure of the rules of poetry, so if this doesn't count as poetry...I apologize. Other than that, i hope you enjoy this. It’s really personal but there's nothing more appropriate than sharing your inner most thoughts with strangers ;)

Reviews

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Mia you do not have rules in prose poetry. It simply has to flow and read well with triggers to enable a reader to relate to it, feel it and get a picture in their head. This is a touching piece and I can relate to it. As I do the same. I always look for the good side of people and forgive the bad side. But recently, for the first time I ended a relationship. It was so hard for me as I feel unworthy and lucky that a woman would want to be with me. Deep psycholocial scars that a Catholic upbringing did not help. So if you can love yourself more gradually you will stop needing to forgive. There is someone out there who WILL value you. Good write!

[Mia]

I'm so relieved to hear that because I'm not really a poet but I really enjoy trying. You would think loving yourself would be easy, but I’ll just keep pretending that I do and eventually I'll start to believe it without feeling like I'm lying to myself. Right? Fingers crossed! I wish you well on your journey of love with yourself. Thank you :) I really appreciate this review and even more than that I appreciate you sharing your insecurities with me. It's comforting to think that I'm not crazy for having my deep emotional scars!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Read my poem 'Masks' Mia. It sets out what happens when we feel isolated and have wenching self doubt. And it is true. Look at your soul and forgive any weakness as it is just human to have such frailty. I am no evangalist before you get the wrong impression. I am simply passionate.

[Reg Deneau]

Loving yourself is very difficult as I well know! Your poem was very touching and showed great progression from beginning to end. I was surprised to see that this was about your father and not a lover!!! You sucked me into thinking it was a lover...great twist! Look forward to reading more...

[Sid]

Wow, again this is an amazing piece, its dripping with emotions. I'm glad you finally realized that he was basically poison and I'm sorry for what you had to go through. As for the rules of poetry I have no clue (and I don't especially care, i just write it the way i see it in my head) but this is a great write one way or the other...Truly great work!!

[Mia]

Ah! You're too wonderful for your own good!

[Sid]

I know, right!! ;)

[Mia]

;D

[P.S.Chance]

wow. you have been through a lot, Mia! I am so sorry for all the hurt and wounds his choices have caused you and your family. And to be without a mother now, too! there are people we truly better without as they poison everything they touch. I hope you will find - if you haven't already - that fierce love from a man that exists because of a choice to love you no matter what.

[Mia]

I have :D thank you for your kindness. The sad thing is that he'll never admit he was wrong, I think that's what kills me. But I take it one day at a time, and on bad days I have loving people to hug and squeeze me.

[P.S.Chance]

I'm so glad to hear that about you. I too have people in my life now that love me a lot and give me that "hug and squeeze" when I need it. that little girl is never far from the surface, though.

[Art]

wow...an emotionally charged work through poetry...and it is all poetry, one can forgive repeatedly but in the end it is forgiving thyself which is most important...nothing is more important than loving thyself and forgiving thyself...

nice work Mia...

[Mia]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate you stopping by as well.

[anxia]

I agree this is very emotional and very well expressed!!!! You are awesome as always Mia.
If this doesnt count under poetry then none of my poems are 'poems' either!!!

[Mia]

Thank you sooo much :) haha...well then lets agree it is!!

[RachelReaper]

Oh, this certainly does count as poetry, and really good poetry at that! Every thing you said your father did was like another blow to the head when I read it, the emotion was all there!

[Mia]

Thank you ever so much. I appreciate your kind review :)

[Mark]

Very powerful, and I see it as poetry, though I'm no great authority on the subject. Very heart rendering and understandable. I had a friend who worked in Child Services in California and he has told me some horror stories about child abuse and how the children always want their Mommy or Daddy back. There is just something innate in us that makes us love our parents no matter what they are or what they do. You've expressed that so well here.

It seems like you are healed or healing, and that makes me smile as well. :)

[Mia]

We're programmed to love them. Even when they break our hearts, we still love them with all the little pieces. Thank you Mark.

[TheJordBaker]

Wow, this was so emotional I couldn't stop reading. Don't worry if you don't think it's conventional, you've created a strong piece of free-flowing narrative and I don't think there are rules we need to stick by.

I honestly felt all the way through, really powerful.

[Mia]

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words :)

[Ahmad Cox]

Wow, this is a very personal and powerful poem. I really appreciate your honesty. I had to come to the same realization with my father as well. I just had to accept that he is my father and I have to love him regardless, but I don't have to condone his actions either.

[Mia]

You're right. Love and respect is not the same thing. Thank you for taking the time to read and share your thoughts with me. I appreciate this, a lot.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

I am all for forgiving but there is a line to be drawn when someone continually screws up... plus a few things to me are unforgivable... this poem show you have a big heart, nothing wrong with that at all.

[Mia]

I feel like forgiveness is part of healing. I think forgiving someone benefits you more than the person needing forgiveness. I'm starting to learn that I should forgive but not forget. Remember and walk away. Then there won't be a need for further forgiveness. Not forgiving, for me, would turn into hatred and that’s such a consuming emotion and not the good kind. Thank you for such a lovely compliment. I appreciate your time and thoughts very much.

[Cerise]

wooow....you are fantastic...your words cud get a rock hearted creature also to cry...really amazing..gudness..u have been born with the talent of writing...good work ..Keep going ...:D

[Mia]

I am overwhelmed with your kind words! Thank you ever so much!

[Cerise]

:)..ur welcome.