Forgive me

Forgiveness is not my problem

Or maybe it is, but not in the normal sense

 I forgive too much, too easily, too often without accessing the problem

I never think how things must change

 If nothing changes then the need for forgiveness is inevitable

 

I forgave him the first time he cheated

I forgave him all the times after that

I even forgave him when he snuck the mistress in my room

When my mother came home early to surprise him

 

I forgave him for the Pethidine again and again

I forgave him when she got sick and he left me

I forgave him when he did not come back for me

I forgave him for not even thinking about me

 

I forgave him when he took all her money

And did not send any for groceries

I forgave him when my brothers’ friends were doing grocery shopping

Just to keep her alive

 

I forgave him after finding the pictures of his vacation

With his mistress

I forgave him for lying about not being able to come home

I forgave him for letting her die.

 

I forgave him for inviting his mistress to the funeral.

I forgave him for taking such good care of my brother

 After he got the same sickness that killed her

 The care he just did not give to her.

 

I forgave him for bringing his mistress into my mothers’ house

I forgave him for getting his mistress pregnant.

I forgave him for letting his mistress tell me on my birthday

The birthday I shared with my mother

 

I forgave him for making his mistress, his wife.

I even forgave him for never being a father.

 

It’s not that I am tired of forgiving.

 I just realized that the problem was that he was never sorry

 There was never a moment of regret or shame with him

 If he is not sorry, he will do it again

 

 Does that not make me the fool?

 

I just do not give him enough room

To need my forgiveness now

I do not hate him or resent him

 I just do not; when it comes to him...I just do not

I just can't

 

How many times have I heard

 “They can only hurt you as much as you let them”

 How many times have I said it?

 Well it’s true!

 

 Life has given me a choice

My life or my father

And I choose life

 There is just no room for both

I hope he can forgive me

But even if he cannot

 I won’t be around to notice

 

I love him, I was made to

 That comes naturally to me

More naturally then loving myself

But I am learning still

 

 Learning to love him less and love me more

And it will come because I made my choice, the right choice

The only choice...really

Author's Note

I’m not really sure of the rules of poetry, so if this doesn't count as poetry...I apologize. Other than that, i hope you enjoy this. It’s really personal but there's nothing more appropriate than sharing your inner most thoughts with strangers ;)

Reviews

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Mia you do not have rules in prose poetry. It simply has to flow and read well with triggers to enable a reader to relate to it, feel it and get a picture in their head. This is a touching piece and I can relate to it. As I do the same. I always look for the good side of people and forgive the bad side. But recently, for the first time I ended a relationship. It was so hard for me as I feel unworthy and lucky that a woman would want to be with me. Deep psycholocial scars that a Catholic upbringing did not help. So if you can love yourself more gradually you will stop needing to forgive. There is someone out there who WILL value you. Good write!

[Mia]

I'm so relieved to hear that because I'm not really a poet but I really enjoy trying. You would think loving yourself would be easy, but I’ll just keep pretending that I do and eventually I'll start to believe it without feeling like I'm lying to myself. Right? Fingers crossed! I wish you well on your journey of love with yourself. Thank you :) I really appreciate this review and even more than that I appreciate you sharing your insecurities with me. It's comforting to think that I'm not crazy for having my deep emotional scars!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Read my poem 'Masks' Mia. It sets out what happens when we feel isolated and have wenching self doubt. And it is true. Look at your soul and forgive any weakness as it is just human to have such frailty. I am no evangalist before you get the wrong impression. I am simply passionate.

[Reg Deneau]

Loving yourself is very difficult as I well know! Your poem was very touching and showed great progression from beginning to end. I was surprised to see that this was about your father and not a lover!!! You sucked me into thinking it was a lover...great twist! Look forward to reading more...

[Katie Flores]

Does it follow the rules of poetry? Really? Are you really asking that when you wrote THIS? If there were, they conform to what we need. Who gives a hoot? This is a intense piece of writing, I forgot everything around me, because you had me wrapped up in this woeful tale. The aggression at the end, I thought, gave it a nice twist.

[Mia]

Hahahaha :) thank you, your review made me laugh and touched my heart at the same time. I appreciate your time!

[Southern Cross]

This piece was beautiful in its sadness. It was a page filled with such raw emotions and truths..it opened up emotions that are so difficult to face. You have done a suburb job and to ignore rules is the first step to creativity.

[Mia]

"To ignore rules is the first step to creativity" I love that! Thank you :)

[Southern Cross]

My High School teachers didn't as I tried to explain that to them :)

[Mia]

Hahahahaha :) Silly fools

[An owl on the moon]

What an aching flow of lines and letters... And there is such a striking balance between forgiveness and respect... for others... for yourself... The letting go of pain and hurt is liberating, though if one is allowed to continue to pierce you, it is a painful place to live... May you move on in that right choice, dear poet.

[Mia]

I delight in your kindness :)

[Patient Poet (Yos)]

WOWOW ....IF THATS NOT COUNT AS POETRY , I DONT KNOW WHAT IS

your style is so unique .... you told me all your life using the reapitness way which still eco my mind ..... I need to tak a long breath before moving on now ... thank you for sharing .. this is beautiful and sad at the same time .... I just hope ... that you will learn not to forgive all the time , don blame yourself , you were young and young children loves their parents . even if they are acting like nothing but a S...T

[Mia]

Thank you :) I truly am glad I shared this because the reception has been incredible and so many people have given me such solid advice! I appreciate you taking the time to read and review this!

[.]

So sad and soul touching. 100/100 I can feel your inner feelings from deep inside your soul. :)

[Mia]

Thank you Katerina! You just made my day :D

[.]

You're welcome! :D

[Ama May Cooper]

There are no rules poetry is expriension my lovely howevver you chose to do so is down to the writer. And wow your way of doing so is powerful, it felt like i was having an intimate conversation with you, your brutual honesty segmented inbetween pure talented flow.
A lovely and touching piece that i can relate to , an empowering piece. Wonderful

[Mia]

You are wonderful!

[Sourav]

Very well described and very emotional. Nice read... well done!

[Mia]

Thank you!

[linear]

Poetry, or story.....whatever its well written.....forgiveness or a total lack of self respect? A sad story in either case, though these days I'm certain many will relate to, myself included........almost like a mirror reflection.....guess I Loved to much and thus happiness was throw away......enjoyed, and thank you :O)

[Mia]

I've never thought about it that way, hmm...maybe it’s the ability to forgive partnered with a lack of self respect. I don't know. I’m tempted to say ‘obviously I’m forgiving because I’m just amazing’ but I’m bias and the alternative is depressing. Enough of that...thank you for your time and your thoughts. I appreciate it.

[MOON]

Powerful honest write Mia they say forgiveness is for ourselves otherwise we carry a cup of bitter poison and drink it . Hurting ourselves in the process. Yet there comes a time when moving on and creating a life free of the person is needed. Wishing you strength on that journey. You expressed this perfectly .

[Mia]

Wow! Thank you! Your kind words have rendered me speechless.