When you need to write, just to write. (My Path to God)

I wouldn't call this a story, but at the same time I would. It's really just me trying to let some things out onto paper and write again. So I wrote about what's happening in my life right now.

Have we lost the key to eternity?

What lost books may hold the answer?

Will we ever find them again?

If it's true that we're all going to Hell, the least we can do, other than giving up, is prepare for it.

 

These questions have been on my mind for quite some time now. Growing up as a Christian and in different denominations, finally landing within Pentecostal, I have come to question which answer is the right one. This first questioning began the last year of my middle school education, the year I began to read books. My eyes were opened to the limitless possibilities of the world and all creation as we know. I became quickly obsessed with reading, finding every book I could and reading every chance I got.

Years later after many amazing stories, I began to reflect back on my life as a Christian and what that meant. I didn’t want to be one of the many who claim this title without any knowledge or faith of what I believe, but only believe because that is what is expected from them.

I have always had an eccentric look at life from the day I was born. As a child I would have horrible nightmares in bed and could barely sleep most nights. One night, as I remember, I was being tormented in my sleep. I had a bad dream and woke up screaming in terror, I was frightened beyond accounting. Then my mother, who was single at the time (shortly after the divorce), rushed into my room and hushed me, but I couldn’t stop crying and screaming. So she began to pray over me. That was the first time I truly felt God’s presence.

This is a bit of a turnaround from what I usually write, but I feel the need to let it out. She began to pray over me, asking for Him to send his Angels down and give me peace and protection. Of course, I was very young at the time and don’t remember everything, but I immediately felt a wave of peace come over me. It was like at the beach, lying in the sand when a cold wave comes over you, just up to your neck, and cools you down. It was the most peaceful time I can remember.

Yet, the terror never really left me. I was still stricken by the dream and dark presence I felt all around me, and I still screamed and cried. Then, my mother began praying even harder over me. Her voice rose, she kept one hand on my head and one on my chest. Then, after a few minutes, the terror I felt was gone. As if it never existed. I didn’t remember the dream or why I was afraid in the first place, all I knew was that whatever it was was over and gone.

It brings back a scary feeling just writing that down and thinking about that certain memory. This brings me to my next topic, going back to when I first mentioned my interest in reading. I was in love with fantasy books, in fact, I still am. I love it with a burning passion. Fantasy to me is every genre imaginable, all put into one story where anything can happen at any time, any way it wants. I love it.

Well, I have always been fascinated with my religion, never thinking it dull or boring as most people I know do. I have always thought of it the same way I have as fantasy. Not saying it’s a fantasy or fictional story, but in the sense of that strong feeling of love and limitless possibilities. The sense of adventure and finding secrets and truths, defeating the bad guys and building yourself up. So I started gaining an interest in exorcism and fighting the darkness etc.

I would look into dark books and find dark things, but I always had in mind that if I wanted to be some great warrior, I would have to know all the terrible things of evil in order to fight it. I still believe that, it’s just now I am struggling to get through it.

Later on in recent years I began looking into occult lore as well as mysticism and hermetic lore. These topics really distraught me and basically told me that I had a lot to learn without enough time to know it all and still be that great warrior I always dreamed to be. Then I found out my grandfather, who is currently a pastor at a non-denominational church, was an exorcist back in his day. That struck a chord with me, so I began taking more of an interest in him.

I looked into his vast library under the church building and found out that the Bible my family reads and the churches we went to read didn’t have all the books that were originally in them. This is, what I later found out, because of the protestant rebellion. So I looked into the books that were taken out and found the Apocrypha. The Apocrypha is a book of all the books the newer King James and International (NIV) Bibles has removed, yet the Catholics still used. I still haven’t gotten an Apocrypha, but I did see a Catholic Bible at Barnes and Noble today. I was too broke to buy it though.

So then, after looking into that area, I began to look into the Jewish scripture and books. The Torah is their version of a Christian’s Bible, and it holds what is called the Kabbalah. So at the time, currently, my interests are overwhelming me with a huge plate of books that I MUST read but can’t obtain at the moment or have lack of patience for. So I watched a few videos instead, got a little glimpse at the different philosophies and disputes between religions and Qabalah/Kabbalah teachings and influences. So I set it aside.

Then I came upon a video on youtube of a man named Mark Clemenson. He was a formed Illuminist (Illuminati/Freemasonry) and told the story of how he grew up in that life and the things he learned. Later on he turned to God finding a more powerful and real substance to which he could achieve and build himself up with. This left me wondering and curious as to what all there was in the world and in old books hidden of shelves that no one second glanced at. So I talked to my dad about it.

From that, I found out my great grandfather was a part of the Masonic Lodge and a semi-high degree. My dad said he was just dabbling and it wasn’t a big part of his life, but then I found his old books. They were small books on Freemasonry and few in number, but I read them anyway. One was given directly to him asking him to rank up in their formations etc, and the other was a book that said it must never reach the public. Well, he passed away and here I am holding it. It reads on the first page “CAUTION: Keep this ritual in a private and secure place. Though this book contains none of the secret work, it should never be left where those who are not Royal Arch Masons may have access to it.”

I haven’t looked into it yet, but I have the feeling that I’m going to be hunted down if I read it (haha), which makes me want to read it even more. An adventure you say? I have found one, all I need to do is master myself and provide the patience and wisdom needed to set me off on my way. My first start is returning to church every Sunday. 

Author's Note

Note: I didn't reread this before I posted, so I'm sure it has a bit of mistakes. Disregard them unless they are critical to what you may believe I'm trying to say. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I'm still not sure why I wrote it or what I am even posting it.

Reviews

[KAOlmsted]

Michael. Questioning one's faith is as old as faith itself. I was baptized Catholic but I am, selfishly, more Lutheran these days--a religion which adheres to the principal one's place in Heaven is guaranteed through an unwavering acceptance of Christ as our Lord and Savior. Catholics--those silly creatures--believe good deeds will secure their Golden Place in Line *laugh* Meanwhile, that you are questioning your faith shows your willingness to trust your own instincts and your ability to not go along to get along, as it were. I know precious little about the Freemason Society but I wish you good luck and Godspeed in your quest for answers.

Always and faithfully yours...
-kimmer

[Michael Thrower]

Well thank you very much Kimmer :) And yes, I don't think I would ever become a Catholic, but I do like the mystery and such of their religion outside of the basic good-deed deals. I've slipped away from church the past year or two and quickly gotten into things I probably shouldn't have. Or I definitely shouldn't have. And instead of coming back, I've been going into the opposite direction including glimpses into Luciferianism and LeVayan Satanism. Not looking to it as a change of religious beliefs, but as in curiosity. And from that I have had my mind bent and split into a thousand different directions. I'm trying to pull it all back together as one now, but first I think I should get a better glimpse of it all before I can.

Again, thank you for your time reading this :)

[KAOlmsted]

My absolute pleasure. I am starting a new religion: Throwerism ;-) Keep in touch, lamb...xoxo

[Michael Thrower]

Lmao I love you Kimmer xD I'd love to see how that turns out

[KAOlmsted]

Me too, you, doll. Always.

[Marie]

I found no mistakes; you are very clear about what you want to say. It's obvious that you've learned a great deal and want to learn more.


I don't take any of it very seriously myself.

[Michael Thrower]

Thank you. I tend to fluctuate between serious and not serious, but for the most part I get rather in-depth with it.