You're Just Another Illusion

He’s laughing over the phone,

Whilst in pain I remember,

Gnawing at me.

Are you real?

Are you him?

Or are you just an illusion?

I couldn’t save you before--

I wonder if I can now. 

Maybe I can save you;

Maybe we can save each other. 

Please.

Tell me you’re real.

Author's Note

A poem dedicated to someone I miss, but someone already gone. He may be real, or he may be fake. I can't tell.

Reviews

[JayG]

Problem is, the story in your head never made it to the page. Sure it works when you read it, because the story that makes the words meaningful IS there for you. So for you, each line calls up ideas, images, backstory, and context, all ready and waiting in your head. But pity the poor reader. For them, each line calls up ideas, images, backstory, and context, all ready and waiting in *YOUR* head. But with you not there when it's read to clarify...

A reader MUST have context, either before or as the line if read. Without it, look at how a reader must react:

• He’s laughing over the phone,

So...an unknown he, is laughing at something unknown, on a phone. So what? Lots of he's are laughing on phones at every hour of the day. Do you care? No. So, not knowing why he's laughing, or if it's with or at something, what can this mean to a reader?

• Whilst in pain I remember,

So someone unknown, who may, or may not, be the one talking to the unnamed male, remembers something unknown that they probably feel is important.

What can this mean to a reader who doesn't know you, and just arrived? Certainly not what it means to you. See the problem? Write from your chair, of course. But always, always, edit from that of a reader, who has only the context you provide, only the meaning their background suggests, and no access to your intent.

One way to avoid the problem is to always ask yourself: does the reader know the motivation behind what's being said?"

If I say, "I lifted the rifle and fired," it's meaningless to you. But suppose I'd said: As the bear charged, I lifted the rifle and fired." Then it makes perfect sense.

The trick is to avoid the report-writing approach we learned in school and focus not on informing the reader—talking TO them—but on making them react emotionally by making them care.

Sure, you can tell the reader that you fell in love. But who cares, unless we know you? Instead, make the reader fall in love for the same reason you did. Show, don't Tell.

Sorry my news isn't better, but it's the single most common problem hopeful poets face, because it's one you, who have context and intent guiding your understanding will never see. And since you'll never fix the problem you don't see as being one, I thought you'd want to know.

So...bad news, I know. But knowing what the problem is is the first step to fixing it.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Miss_Antarctica]

Alright, thanks for the advice, and I kinda just wrote this on a whim. Sorry there isn't much context like you said, but since I didn't really know about "him", it was a bit of a struggle to be very descriptive. Again, thanks for the advice!

[John the Baptist]

From the tone of the poem, I would say your best course is to hang up.

[Miss_Antarctica]

I agree, but problem is, the call never existed 😅