Beautiful MistakesA Story by Speak in SilenceNighttimes were always the worst for her, which was okay for everyone else because they didn't see the horrors she faced. Her parents slept calmly without wake while she faced her darkest demons. Her friends chatting on Facebook and laughing at stupid inside jokes while she covered her ears and gritted her teeth trying to block out the voices. Half of the world lye asleep and the other half is just rising from warm pillows and ruffled sheets. Her sheets seemed to always be stained with something unfamiliar though. Not a physical stain but more of a mental one. It seems as though every time she laid her head on her pillow she was floating on unreality, the fake feelings of being alive. I can't say I knew what she was feeling but every time she'd knock on my window in the middle of the night and talk about it, I felt all of her insecurities. All of the little things that'd push her off the edge or make her cut her skin. They were strange things. Things that no one noticed or paid attention to would cause her to hate herself with such strong feelings. She'd go on and on about that thing on TV or those song lyrics that'd remind her of better days, but they'd also make her believe that the better days were far to far away to achieved. That would, in result, end in her harming herself. But my friend, I will tell you the strangest thing of all: I fell in love with that girl. I fell in love with the way she laughed after she'd been crying and the way her eyes glistened when she told of the better days. The away the sun reflected off her hair and the way she'd sing along to every Nirvana song she heard. She had long black hair that fell down her back. I'd never seen it pulled up or fixed in any way at all. She always wore the same gorgeous smile, along with the same pair of old, beat up Converse. She wasn't perfect, nor was she talented but was she beautiful. Her name was Emily. ---------------------------------------- It was a July night. The tops of the trees were dancing along with the wind. I was lying on my bed, listening to the wind blow the shutters when I heard the familiar whistle. Two long, high pitched ones then a low, short one. She used to to that to see if I was awake. I was every night though. Even though she didn't come every day, I was always up waiting for her. I never got much sleep but it was okay. I got up, unlocked my window and blew the same tones. After that night I never kept my windows closed or locked ever again. I heard her feet tapping along the top of my roof within a few seconds. She always made sure to be a quiet as possible. I told her she didn't have to, that my parents slept on the other side of the house. She always replied "Maybe I'll be a little louder next time," and smiled the same innocent smile that I loved, but she never was. She'd only come over when she needed someone to talk to, but that changed as time did. I started to hear the whistle more and more often as time passed by. I had no preference of time during those nights. Sometimes they'd seem like hours long and other nights, it'd seem like she'd just gotten there but the sun was already starting to rise. We would always go and watch the sunrise together. It didn't matter if we had classes the next day or not. Most of the longest nights took place in the Ohio summers though. I was sitting on my bed smiling when she climbed in. She smiled "I didn't wake ya did I Johnny?" She always asked that. Some nights I dose off right before she got there but I always awoke when I heard her call. I knew she would turn around and leave if I said yes so I always said "Of course not." She came and fell down beside me. She never started the conversations. I usually said something like "So what's up?" or "How's your parents?" then it eventually led into something completely different. It always took a while for her to tell me why she actually came to see me. Most of the time it was because she couldn't sleep or she was on edge and didn't want to do anything stupid to herself. I didn't want her too either. "So..How's the parents?" I said. "Fine." She lied. I always knew the answer to that question. Her parents hadn't been the same since her brother ran off. He'd always been her parents favorite. Never missed a day of school, star football player and even attractive. Every girl in town wanted him and every guy wanted to be just like him. But everything changed when he met Celia. Celia was wild and untamable. She was a Stalin. She had moved from up north. No one really knows where from, but she had that accent. She was into all the wrong things but when Oil saw her, nothing was the same. Her stayed out all night drinking. Got arrested. Skipped class. He ended up failing his senior year. He'd missed 54 days. He dropped out right before graduation. Him and Celia ended running away together. No one has seen them since. Emily used to talk about how much she just wanted to run away from everything like her brother did. She'd talk about crazy adventures she could have. One time she even invited me along. Talking about how we could just disappear. How mine and her parents probably wouldn't even notice. "Come on Johnny! It'd be the best! We could get out of this stupid town! Go do all the things we've always dreamed of! Maybe we'd even run into my brother and Celia.." That night I saw how much she really missed Oil. He wasn't just her brother, he was her best friend. That was when she started coming over to my house more often. I think part of her really hated Celia. If it wasn't for her, her brother would still be here. You can call me selfish but I'm glad Celia came along. Celia led me to Emily. After me asking about her parents, we talked about a little of everything. We talked about the new drama going around school and how she didn't want to get involved and how surprised she was my parents never woke up and came and see what all this noise was. The laughing and crying and talking and the whistles and the soft radio in the background playing Nirvana. After a while she started to talk about love. "Johnny, I want to fall in love." It was out of no where really. She just blurted it out. Silence didn't bother us. We had a lot of silent moments really. It wasn't awkward, I admired it really. I loved the silence. She wasn't looking at me. She was looking into nothing. I remember looking at her and thinking "I'm already in love, Emily" I wanted to say it so bad. The words were almost jumping off my tongue and into her ears but I couldn't. Instead I said: "How do you know you aren't already in love?" "Maybe I am" she said. "Who do you want to fall in love with?" I asked. "A friend" she exclaimed. I thought about what she had said for a minute. Is she thinking of me? I thought. After a while she said: "Johnny, do you think you could ever fall in love with a girl like me?" I looked at her. No, I looked through her. In that moment I could feel all the pain and guilt she had always talked about. I felt the faults she'd always relived and I felt the reminisce she had for her brother and I felt the aching heartbreak for the parents that didn't care. I felt tears in my eyes. How could someone so beautiful and graceful feel all of that pain and be able to hide it so well? She looked at me and must have seen what I was feeling. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that." She was about to walk out but I stood up and grabbed her hands. "Stop. Please stay." She looked at me for a moment. Confusion? I wasn't sure but it looked like she wasn't going to stay. So I held her hands and just said it. "Emily, I love you." My heart was racing but before I had time to think about what to say next, she kissed me. The warmth of her lips against mine was everything I've wanted for months. It was a long kiss. I was holding her tight and close. When we stopped, I just craved more. I wanted us close forever. That night I realized she was all I'd ever wanted. When I opened my eyes she was looking at me with amazement. "Johnny.." She said "I think I love you." "How do you know?" I asked. "Because," she explained "That feeling is everything my brother never could explain to me." We went and laid on the roof and watched the sunrise. She laid on my chest and fell asleep with Nirvana in the background ---------------------------------------- It was our senior year. We'd been together for a year on July 17. We ran away together that August and she was right: Neither of our parents really cared. Mine played off "Oh my, I hope he comes back soon. He had an aspiring future ahead of him." and her parents said things like "I knew this would happen eventually". We stole one of my parents' car and drove into the night. No one came looking because no one cared. We were young and free and had to place to go. We had no plan either. The only thing we brought with us was a couple pairs of cloths, her medication, out favorite books, every old rock album I could get my hands on, and the little money we had to our names. We'd saved up every since the first night we'd kissed. We knew we would get away as soon as we had the money and the opportunity. We drove until we ran out of gas somewhere in Kentucky. I knew we were getting low on gas but we hadn't seen a gas station since we were at half a tank. We sputtered to a stop and pulled off the the side. I sighed, getting out of the car, "Well, I guess we're stuck here until someone comes by." She smiled, "Well, that okay. We can find something to do." And we did. We took off most of our clothes and sat on top of the roof, tanned, listened to Nivana and talked about stupid mistakes we'd made in the past. From years of starving herself, Emily was smaller than most girls should be. She'd told me when she met me, even when we were friends, that I made her feel like she didn't need to do that to herself anymore. I was thinking about all this while she talked about how she would kill to see some of her favorite bands live. I looked at her while she talked in amazement, wondering how a pretty girl like that could do such terrible things to herself. So I just blurted it out. "Emily, why do you hurt yourself" she smiled. She wasn't exactly looking at me, but somehow past me. Even though she was making direct eye contact, she was looking past me. Still smiling she said "Because it's the only way I know to handle things." I thought about this for a minute. I thought about myself and how instead of picking up a book or calling a friend or listening to music, picking up a blade or hitting myself over and over. I couldn't imagine her doing that to herself. The thought made me sick. I asked, "Why don't you just read a book or listen to Nirvana? I know you like them a lot, why could you do that instead?" "Because," she said "The voices tell me to do otherwise. I can't read when the voices are screaming 'cut, cut, cut'". ---------------------------------------- A car still hadn't come past and it'd been a good two hours, so we decided to start walking. We grabbed everything we could fit in our hands or in a bag. We ended up having to leave some of our books though. We thought we may find a gas station and hitch a ride back latter or something..But we never did. We ended up walking the rest of the day and having to go lay down in a field for the night. We fell asleep to the sounds of wind in the trees. That morning, we woke up with stiff backs hungry stomachs. We hadn't eaten since we stopped at a quick stop station in West Virginia, which was about two days ago. It hit me that we should've brought a basket of food. We got all of our stuff together and began our journey again. We walked for four more hours until we came across a small town. I can't remember the name but I do remember the sign saying "Population 487". Emily laughed at this and I know why. We used to think our old town was small and rural. It had a population of over 7,000. Guess we were wrong. We went in a small diner and ate a big breakfast. We told the waitress our story while she was on her lunch break and she gave us all the meals on the house for as long as we stayed there. Emily and I were so grateful because we needed to save a lot of our money for when we settled down somewhere. Emily had decided she wanted to settle down somewhere in South Carolina so she could see the ocean for the first time in her life. I had no arguments of course. My parents took me when I was six but I don't remember any of it really, it's all a blur. After our late breakfast, we went around exploring through the town. The town was actually breath-taking. Beautiful meadows and big farm houses. After we checked out the town we went and found a small motel and checked in for that night and probably the next day too. We got a room with two beds but ended up using one as storage for our bags. Emily and I slept together. To our luck there was a small CD player in the back of the room. It honest looked like it hadn't been used in forever. We played Nirvana on low and talked about what we would've done in our life if we hadn't met each other and fell in love. I said honestly, "I would've probably become a lawyer and eventually moved to a big city." She looked at me with tears in her eyes, "I probably would've killed myself." I didn't even believe what I just heard. I couldn't believe it. It was just so unreal. I couldn't even imagine finding out this beautiful girl committed suicide. I think she could see these things I were thinking so she spoke before I did. "I was going through hard times Johnny. I would sit in my room and here my parents pray to God that they had my brother back instead of me. Especially those first weeks he was gone. I was fourteen when he ran away with Celia. I hated her so much. I wanted my best friend back. He was the only person I could talk to. He's the one that took me to the doctor when I told him about all the bad things I was thinking. That was when I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. My parents just told me I was being a baby and trying to blind my brothers light. That I was ruining the family." Her words were starting to all melt together, but she kept talking. "I hated everything about life. The only reason I stayed was for my brother, and then he met Celia." She swore under her breath about her but continued. "And he started to change. He would stay out at night. He would always tell me goodnight and kiss my forehead before he went out, if he went out. But then he'd stay out latter and latter. I'd stay up, waiting for him to come home. I'd just pray and pray that he'd eventually show up and knock on my door and say 'Sorry I'm late kiddo, I didn't expect to be this late.' and I'd say 'It's okay' and smile and everything would be back to normal, but it never happen. And I jus-" She started to cry. I cradled her in my arms until she fell asleep. ---------------------------------------- Emily hadn't had her medicine in a week and she was getting worse and worse. We had someone drive us back to get our car with some gas. Emily was tidier than she usually was. I kept Nirvana on low and the windows cracked so she could sleep in the backseat. She slept for hours until I woke her up when we got to the South Carolina border. "Emily, baby, we are almost there. Look." I pointed out the South Carolina sign. She awoke with a sigh and rubbed her eyes. She sat up and smiled at the sign. "Baby, we need to get your medicine, are you feeling okay right now?" "I'm okay right now. I just can't wait to go to the beach" She smiled. God I was so glad she was feeling okay. ---------------------------------------- We pulled up to a pharmacy and walked in. I could tell she was still tried because she didn't want to get out with me. I was going to leave her but I didn't know what this town was like. "Please, can you come with me? I don't want anything to happen to you." She reluctantly got out with me and we walked together. Her head rested on my shoulder and I had my arm around her side to support her. I walked up to the counter and handed them the papers. The man looked at us for a moment and then went and checked the papers. I had to give them my ID. I looked at Emily and she had her eyes closed and she was practically asleep. I gently sat her on the bench behind me. "Just sit here a second while I sign these papers." She murmured something and nodded. When I walked to the counted he gave me the paper work and told me to sign. I got managed to get a two month supply. I bought a couple sodas and waters while we were in there. "That should last us until we get to the beach" I thought. Emily didn't want to take her medicine when we got in the car. "Baby, it'll make you feel better." "But I'm feeling fine, I don't need it." She eventually took it when I reminded her it would only get worse if she didn't. We filled up the take one more time before we got to the beach. We were about 200 or so miles away. She decided she could make it the rest of the way without sleeping. But she ended up falling asleep after a half-hour. ---------------------------------------- We got to the beach at seven that morning. I shook her lightly and told her to look out her window. I had parked in a hotel parking lot with a perfect view of the ocean. The waves crashed against the shore and the Emily's eyes glistened. She got out of the car and started laughing. I stepped out of the car and watched her kick off her shoes and run down the the shoreline. I couldn't stop smiling. That was the happiest I'd ever seen her. There was nothing I could say to her that'd ever make her smile like that. Her feet were splashing around in the shallow water and she was, for the first time, rejoicing life.
© 2013 Speak in SilenceAuthor's Note
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Speak in SilenceNCAboutHi! My name's Victoria and I'm a Tumblr addict. I love bands and my doggie Scoutypoo. I like going in vintage and antique markets and I like the smell of old books. I like how the sun shines through.. more..Writing
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