Repetition

Repetition

A Poem by Ana B.

Be still my brittle heart,

Caught up in the rhapsody of blue…

Unyielding… my fateful rampart

In this coda that’s so overdue.

 

And as the puckered clouds

Watch over me

They hastily take off their gowns - 

The morsels of that ravaged ancestry…

 

And naked truths make themselves known

For those happy few…

Like a hot breath vibrating on my collarbone

Yanking my dissolute thoughts… yet here they regrew

 

 

Dreamers…they never learn…

 

 

 

 

© 2017 Ana B.


Author's Note

Ana B.
Coda - an ending part of a piece of music or a work of literature or drama


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Reviews

Be still and know I am he I am God Jesus the savior Love and kindness is his ways believe in him and be saved.

Posted 3 Years Ago


An honest, frank and bold write :) keep up the good work :)

***************************************************************************************

Posted 3 Years Ago


Ana B.

3 Years Ago

Thank you Anand :)
Beautiful descriptive phrases with a raw undertone that I love. Glad I stumbled upon this!

Posted 3 Years Ago


Ana B.

3 Years Ago

Thank you very much Seriana :)
Your well-crafted descriptions are unexpected & thought-provoking. I don't always understand the full extent of your message, but I love the way you express yourself in such original terms! (((HUGS))) fondly, Margie

Posted 3 Years Ago


Ana B.

3 Years Ago

As ever, you are too kind to me. Thank you a lot Margie :) hugs
I loved that line, 'be still my brittle heart, caught up in the rhapsody of blue.' This piece was perfectly expressed. Great job, hope you keep writing.

Posted 3 Years Ago


Ana B.

3 Years Ago

Thank you for the warm words Amber :)
I love your poem so much. For a few moments, I imagined how it would sound on a musical background. Congratulations for the good work! :)

~Lyla

Posted 3 Years Ago


Ana B.

3 Years Ago

Thank you very much Lyla :)
Wow I really loved that last line "dreamers, they never learn" ain't that the truth! Haha but I do not regret being a dreamer myself, and neither should you :) this is a great piece!

Posted 3 Years Ago


Ana B.

3 Years Ago

Thank you very much dear Kesha :)
Kesha

3 Years Ago

You're welcome!
beautiful way of expressions and those words are perfectly placed.

thanks for sharing this.

Posted 3 Years Ago


Ana B.

3 Years Ago

Thank you dear Abraham :)
So first, cut the word "way." It's a filler word like "I just really." They're overused and they've lost their effect.

Second, though clouds and gowns sound similar, they don't rhyme. You could either replace this stanza, or you could throw in an interesting third "ee" rhyme by switching the sentence up like so:

"And as the puckered clouds
Watch over me
They take off their gowns hastily -
The morsels of that ravaged ancestry…"

Though clouds is unresolved, the reader's ear forgets by the time you get to the last line of the stanza.

Lastly, "back they regrew" is redundant. "Regrew" already implies that the thoughts grew back. "Yet back they grew" makes more sense and it sets up some iambic feet for you.

This is still a great poem, those were just some of the things I noticed.

Posted 3 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ethan

3 Years Ago

Certainly, that would be fine if there were other instances in which the poet used things like that,.. read more
Tony Jordan

3 Years Ago

Well as it stands, personally speaking 'although clouds is unresolved, the reader's ear (i.e. mine) .. read more
Ethan

3 Years Ago

The problem is not "clouds," it's really "gowns" because that is the word that's out of place. You'r.. read more
I love this so much, I love your beautiful wording.

Posted 4 Years Ago


Ana B.

4 Years Ago

Thank you a lot :)

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Added on August 14, 2016
Last Updated on July 27, 2017

Author

Ana B.
Ana B.

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