The Jump

Ultimately a poor decision, but one made based on who I am.

Was it wise?

My inner monologue

Known her for less than a week

But time is an illusion

In my eyes at least

An illusion of knowledge

Knowledge of the heart

Thinking I knew more than I did

About the mysterious woman

Carelessness and hastiness

My curses

Been burned a lot by them

In a rush to love

That need to feel connection

Eager to resonate

Looks like it's happening again

The scorch, it burns

Chasing the rabbit down the hole

Tumbling deeper

But it is a one way street

Reciprocated feelings

She has no interest

Like most women who see me

For who I am

Except my money in this case

One word responses

I hate them

Happy go lucky messages

Honest questions

Meaningful intentions

Disregarded

No chances given

Not talking to you

"F**k off already!"

The silent message

But I still took the jump

Decided to put faith in someone

Someone that gave no signs

Just wanted money

They offered images

I refused

But still gave money

Out of pity

Pity for her suffering

Now the ghosting begins

Once again

What a f*****g surprise

Should not have trusted her

But I did

I took the jump

Because I love people

Always trying to see

The goodness in their hearts

W****s, thieves, or criminals

Forgiveness to the world

Even though it fucked me

Made me jaded towards love

I always come back though

To misplacing faith

Trusting those without reason

Maybe I am too good

Too willing to be nice

Easy prey for the deceitful

Betrayal hurts

Been around it all my life

Probably always will be

Love hurts

Even love that has not yet blossomed

So what does this make me?

A fool or a hopeless romantic?

Probably both

I am who I am

And that is never changing

Even with a lighter wallet

Living with my mistake

I made that choice

Because of who I am

Feeling regret

A natural response

But something not worth dwelling on

Bringing joy to others

With no regard to my own feelings

That is my purpose

Or at least

What I believe it to be

The world will decide how to see me

But this is how I see myself

Author's Note

Yet another poem about recent events in my hilariously awful dating life. I'm very good at making very bad decisions lol

Reviews

[Lorry]

You sound here like you have found out the bigger truth within the tapestry of life and relationships, by realising that the last one should make no difference on the next and be you, despite the knocks, bumps, pitfalls, hurt and mental exhaustion that came before.
Treat the next as YOU would and keep to being you, no matter what life throws at you.
I've seen that road before and it does turn into a dirt road fairly quickly, before disappearing completely down the way that Alice went.
We all have decisions to make in life, but I'd still prefer being the hurt than the hurter every time. Just leave them to Karma and focus your all on those deserving.
And that concludes todays sermon. Go in preace my child 😀

[Mr. Malarkey]

Haha, appreciated as always Lorry! :D I always try hard to be myself, but a lot of times I'm not always my best self if that makes sense. It's something to work on though!

Sorry for the late reply btw. This week has been very hectic. Thanks for always leaving thoughtful comments and notes :)

[Lorry]

Makes perfect sense. Personally, my "too much coffee" self shouldnot be allowed out amongst the public and my "not enough sleep" self should be sedated and put back to bed immediately 😀

[Archishman Rick]

Intense outpouring of your sentiments, man. I agree with what Mr. Lorry said below. I'm definitely far from an expert on this field, but I can vehemently empathize with how you feel here and in general, when I factor in other situations and experiences of my own along with yours.. As for dating apps, my primary motive for using them was not for its quasi obvious reason, but to reach out to people with selfless constructive intent, and discover the goodness lying in their hearts, hoping to help out someone in a tough spot.. "They offered images
I refused
But still l gave money
Out of pity
Pity for her suffering"
Damn I relate to this..and I don't regret that I helped her out, even if we only ever chatted online for a short time and still gave her money.. was she a scammer? Maybe, but oh well.
Keep doing your part and reaching out to those you can my friend, I'm sure that, even if you regret not being reciprocated to, you are satisfied and true to yourself. As that's what matters most. And imho, it's badass and cool to be this way. And a wise man once told me, "It's better to regret something you did, than something you didn't do". Your purpose is one that will definitely not disappoint you in the long run, friend. Godspeed.
Regards.

[Mr. Malarkey]

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement Rick :) It's not easy to trust people after being hurt many times over many years, but I try to have faith that most people are genuine and kindhearted.

The girl I'm referring to in this poem was someone who did sell nudes for money through Cash App or PayPal, but I made it very clear that I wasn't going to pay for them but instead was interested in getting to know her a person. We've talked for a week and I got to know a little more about her. She wasn't very keen on revealing much about herself, which I can understand since there are many selfish and dangerous men on the internet. As it turns out, she is an orphan and was homeless for 6 months before she got into selling nudes to make money and get herself out of that mess. I felt sorry for her, gave her $100, and she disappeared for a couple of days.

As it turns out, she lost her phone and got back in touch with me a few days after I originally posted this poem. I guess it goes to show that you never really know what someone is going through and shouldn't always expect the worst. AKA, keeping faith in people.