My Degeneration

I sit and watch the joker,
make faces, pull legs, act smart
even descend to being a caricature,
just for evoking some laughter
And succeeds he! In tickling the funny bones,
for the crowd bursts into boisterous roars

Yet-- i can't relate;I am amidst the people, yet i am distant.
I look down, realising my hands don't wish to clap, my soul content to groan.
My melancholic eyes long for sights as empty as my heart that despises mirth.
I hate to smile!And i hate to see other's smiles.
I envy their glee! I can't feel it even!I despise celebration!
Happiness, if not mine, is noone's either.


No fault of the joker, though
coz even Charles Spencer Chaplin fails!
I stare at the TV set, showing clips in black and white,
There he is! The Global Eponym of Joy, the Oh! so lovable! Tramp,
Falling, dropping, stumbling, kicking, shoving
dancing, crying, smiling-- all the way to people's hearts

Still, i remain immune, my stare remains absent-minded,
My memory too plays it's own clips -- all are black, none is white
It sifts through the book of my life, against my wish though,
Halting at specific timelines, highlighting my failings, my laments
It asks me questions that i can't answer, it mocks my very existence,
Left with no courage, i flee, away from Chaplin, away from myself


I sip hot tea, standing beside a roadside teastall
I overhear a satirical joke, political in substance,
mocking the tall claims of a politician i despise
The speaker is Kamal, an old friend; In days of yore,
such satire was the highlight of our meetings,serving to
clear the mist in our vision, unravel the truth for our minds

But, today, the satire, to me, is a lame scorpion, cleansed of its sting,
The Joke, though, retains its power, its defiance; Its I who am no longer me;
I have decided to close myself to the truth, i find no lure in it,
My own truth, the essence of any life, scares me, defiles me
In it is sealed the tale of my obliteration, my shattering, my breaking down
I do not wish to be me-- am i myself any less a satire?  The joke's on me! Kamal!


I travel alone, in a long road, with the night sky unloading its sorrow overhead
There, arrives Smita, dressed in a bright blue saree, drenched in fresh moisture
And drenched in Love; I know it, her eyes fail to hide the truth;
She looks into my eyes, the directness of her stare forces me to recoil in horror,
The last thing i want is for someone to break the walls of my heart and strip it nude.
She breaks norms, steps forward, and presses her lips against mine.

Alas! I disappoint her. I can't love her, coz i have ceased loving myself.
Possibiities frighten me, temptations spark feelings no more
My unloved soul chooses isolation, i prefer my night walks to be steeped in solitude
I aready have partners --disgust, hopelessness, disappointment are their names.
My weaknesses are too strong,my faiings are too glaring. I can't claim Smita as mine!
Pushing her aside, I hope i become strong enough to claim misery, that's life-long, as mine!


I stand in a pavement;Suddenly, a hand tugs my sleeve from behind; i turn around,
its Sarthak, the naughty little kid of my neighbour,
dressed in milky white school uniform, stopping by to wave a kiddish Hi!
I look at the wide grin adorning the kid's face! My blood boils in rage!
I take that smile, a kid's innocent smile, as an expression of mockery!
How dare you! Even you laugh at me! Insanity grips me! I thrash the kid till i realise he was just... smiling!

The full extent of my degeneration hits me hard, i break down, i surrender
What have i become? A monster, shorn of kindness? Deep inside, i have grumbled on and on
and now i can't draw a line between innocence and malice! What a sadist i am!
Toxicity colours my outlook, poison mars my vision, my heart harbours a tsunami of hatred
I have failed, yes, i confess it, i have failed to become a success,
But now , i have failed again... this time,  to ward off the vice of cheapness


Alarmed at my inner emptiness, i embrace that little kid, Sarthak
Teary-eyed are we; i advise him, "Be anything... but, don't be me!"

I walk away,
robbed of inner peace,
my soul smelling rotten,
i no longer a human!

Reviews

[Frowny]

I applaud this. The kind of mental torment I strive to get across. But on a so much higher level. You may no longer be able to celebrate but you bring me cause to.

[Daniel Duffy]

Good good s**t man good s**t

[Johnny Dep]

Ahh, a sad write with bag of meaningful emotions.
Thank you keep sharing.