Truth in Advertising

A cover letter which is more truth than fiction, and what I really WANT to write as I continue my quest for employment in a field that, though qualified for, no longer serves to satisfy.

Dear Hiring Manager:

As an accomplished Marketing professional, I possess many talents which you will most likely not look at, so I doubt what I say here matters very much at all.   Though I would have you believe I really would like this position, the fact of the matter is this sounds like perhaps the most boring job in the world, and I think that after three months of employment you may find me hanging by my panty hose in a bathroom stall.  But... I need the money so here I am.

In the event you are still reading, following are some of my most recent career accomplishments:

Developed and implemented a business strategy for a start up company.  Truth is, I took an outline from the internet and presented it to the CEO as my own work.  He was so impressed with my presentation that he hired me on the spot.  I copied all of the ideas I found online.  We implemented most of them.   I then spent the next three months promoting my own work, and as this company did not have any decent method of collecting data or creating reports, they could not dispute my findings,  I looked damn good.

Participated in corporate turnaround to realize a 12% increase in annual sales.  Because this company happened to sell disaster preparedness supplies, the fact that this increase was realized immediately after Hurricane Katrina is the most likely reason for the increase, but since I was on-staff at the time, I took credit for it.

Created and launched a highly complex corporate website increasing website traffic by 40%.  OK - truth is, I hired a company to do all the work.  I signed the invoice and forwarded it to accounting.  But I did choose the company.  OK - truth is they were recommended by our graphics firm who has a kick-a*s website, but still...

Implemented a social network marketing strategy which increased website traffic by 40% and new subscribers to social sites by 30%.   (Translation - I opened a Facebook account finally, and I now have 30 friends.)

In my former position, I spent my entire tenure doing nothing but playing Words with Friends and surfing the web, without anyone ever knowing what my job function really was.  This is actually how I found your job posting.  I think this speaks volumes to my ability to convince people that I am worth the investment.  Isn't this exactly what marketing is all about after all?

My resume, which is loosely based on truth, can speak to my other skills.  I am certain you will find it absolutely adequate and no better or worse than any other applicant's resume. For this reason, I put my picture at the top of this cover letter.  I may not be a better candidate, but I can guarantee I am better looking than most of them.  Who hires based on qualifications I say?  Hire me 'cause I am pretty.

I may be reached via any of the media noted on my resume  Thank you for taking the time to review my materials, though I am certain that if you contact me it will be more because of my picture than because of my ho-hum qualifications.

Warm regards,
Shelley Holt- Lowrey



© 2012, Shelley Holt-Lowrey

Reviews

[bob, small b. aka invs]

finally! someone honest in management. i have long believed that actual accomplishment and competence are secondary to flash and appearance of busy-ness. in the old tortoise and the hare fable, management is the hare. looks impressive, rushes around, moves fast, but does little or nothing other than generating things that appear to justify their positions. i really enjoyed your cover letter, but i don't think it will get you many job offers. i'd make the picture larger.

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

Laughing LOUDER than you. Thanks much!

[Marie]

If I had a company I'd hire you in a heartbeat. Then I'd start grooming you for president of the U.S.

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

Laughing. But would I have to update my resume. I am basically lazy.

[EMF]

Dear Ms Holt Lowery,

Further to your application for the post of waitress/gardener/cook/maintainance personell.
You're hired.
After all... Your application caused me to laugh so hard I experienced a small degree of unrinary spillage, therefore the only way I'm going to be able to afford the dry cleaning bills resultant of reading you is to hire you and dock your wages.


So, you want the job or not?

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

Actually no, but I will take it. I need a place to go and get paid while I work toward my online engineering degree. May as well be at a place where I can laugh too! Commute is gonna kill me so I'm going to be about two days late - every day - however. Problem?

[roarke]

my company needs a grounds maintenance person.... you sound perfect for the job.....

funny stuff

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

Hmmm. That is the second time you offered me a job doing landscaping. Maybe I should be considering a change of profession. Nice to see you back!

[Wendy Seames Garner]

Sounds to me like you are as qualified or better than most applicants. Great write, Shelley!

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

Thank you Wendy. Probably am, but the issue is a matter of whether I truly want to continue in my current field. Roarke just offered me a job mowing lawns... thinking it over.

[Zeek4]

Shelley's back! You still got it Shelley. Another great giggle, and I have an underlying feeling that it wasn't fiction. I will suggest that you don't post it on Facebook in case future employers don't decide to snoop around, which they have been known to do lately. And yes, I would hire you on looks alone.

[Shelley Holt-Lowrey]

It is possible that I secretly WANT them to find this. Thus giving me reason to whine about a lack of employment opportunity, knock the government around a bit and collect unemployment at the same time~