Tooth Fairy - The Latest Victim of Economic Downturn?

A little ditty regarding the author's encounter with the Tooth Fairy, and how she fears the recent global economy may impact this institution.

Boy was I sad this morning.  A few days ago my son lost another tooth.  As is our tradition, he placed it carefully under his pillow at bedtime in the hopes of scamming the Tooth Fairy out of a few more bucks.

The following morning, I awoke to his cry of: "I've been ROBBED!"  Apparently the tooth fairy was a no-show.  I looked on my son's bed, and there sat his poor little tooth in its original snack-baggie wrapping.  My son, however was quite philosophical about the whole thing.  He thought maybe she was just really busy, or that she didn't have change for a fifty or something.  My thought was maybe the tooth came out after mom was in her PJ's, sans makeup thereby making a drug store run for a pack of gum and five bucks out of the question.  Maybe, and far more likely, she just forgot completely.

In any event, my son's big heart and empty wallet demanded that he give her a fair shake, and try again the following night.  Ironic as I had just got paid, but that's a whole different story.  His faith was rewarded.  The next morning he awoke to find $6.08,  two pieces of gum, a half pack of skittles, and a hand typed note under his pillow.

The note said:  "Dear Kid, I regret that I was delinquent in payment of your customary molar fee however, I have had some recent cash flow issues, and therefore had to secure alternative funding.  The deal just closed this morning.  You will find, hereto-forth, your customary $5 molar ransom, including interest in the form of two quarters, three dimes, five nickles & three pennies.  I've also included additional sundry goods in hopes of appeasing any litigious intentions you may be harboring"  It was signed "Miss Ing-Tooth".  She did, in fact, leave a five dollar bill along with $1.08 in change, two pieces of purse lint embedded gum, and a half eaten pack of candy.

I ruminated deeply upon this.  My ramblings were such:  "Miss Ing-Tooth?!?!"  What the heck happened to the Tooth Fairy?  Alternative funding?  Does this mean she sold-out to a private equity firm?  What is going to happen to all the employees working for the Tooth Fairy enterprise,  especially those Marketing people?  What will become of the entire Tooth Fairy institution?  What will happen to all of the baby teeth of the world?  Will The Firm begun to standardize its business practices, reduce costs, streamline processes and increase revenue only to sell in 3-5?"  I was sooooo sad.  I realized that even Tooth Fairy, now known as  "Miss. Ing-Tooth" had sold out, re-branded and was probably being retained on contract requiring her to stay on as a consultant for two more years, in order to collect her final lump sum payment.  Dratted economy! 

Then again, maybe it wasn't so bad.  I mean "Tooth Fairy" is not exactly a PC name anymore.  Also, a corporate influx of cash meant the institution would continue with the former Tooth Fairy on staff for as long as my son had his baby teeth.  After that, what did I care really?   We were three molars shy of banishing the ransom demands my son placed on each baby tooth.   I needed only another six or seven months tops. 

Also, I must admit I was impressed, and a bit envious after I figured out why the candy had suddenly appeared with the tooth ransom.  This was a new practice never employed by the earlier Tooth Fairy tradition.  Some kids got tooth brushes even.  Apparently Miss Ing-Tooth Inc. created a lucrative new revenue stream:  Candy + Teeth = Cavities.   Cavities = fillings.  Fillings are bound to equal .............. wait for it ........ gold-into-cash!  Wow!  Perhaps the equity demons will solidify the institution of the Tooth Fairy after-all, thereby keeping it alive for future generations.  At least it wasn't being knocked-off by an overseas company.

After all this, I began to worry about Santa, wondering if HE was still financially solid. I really need new pair of socks this year!  Now that I think on it, I do recall seeing him on TV a few weeks ago hawking a diet soda brand.  Probably he too is finding it necessary to tighten his big black patent leather belt, and decided to take on product endorsemens  to shore up his own shrinking portfolio.   

Sigh!  What a time we live in!

Reviews

[roarke]

ya gotta cancel yer subscription to the Wall Street Journal, seriously....

Great humor, original perspective and an enjoyable read, the proverbial literary hat trick.

On reflection, I think your work in total might be that elusive "Manual for Women" would be a great best seller title at any rate.....
..... I only got nickels and dimes for my teeth, I guess my parents were saving the rest for future dental bills.....

[Rusty]

Should be in syndication!

[Heather]

I have done this.. I so feel you and giggled the entire write. So hard to be perfect mom! Those guilt moments are just intense!

[Marie]

A bit frightning this...the economy on the downswing...even Santa looking for additional sources of income. Will the Easter Bunny be selling his eggs next?

[Zeek4]

Your son's "I've been robbed!" comment immediately hit my funny bone and kept with me with intermittent giggles throughout the entire piece. What a lucky kid to have a mother with such an infectious sense of humor. Stories about you will continue on long after your pacing, which is a form of immortality all writers secretly crave.

[Forest Green]

Equity...that word..didn't leap off the page but certainly stood out upon it. How do we measure the value of this or that.

In terms of intrinsics, this story you wrote, a diary entry, is priceless. However the emotions and commitment and the kindness that rendered it is beyond estimation. For without it we are all paupers.

Beautiful...

[EMF]

When it comes to writing funny, you have two things to contend with. Firstly your audience. Some people will widdle themselves silly at something you see as a throwaway gag, while the really funny set piece goes straight over their heads. The other is the biggie. Are you funny? Well, in the later respect, you are a real funny writer. It takes skill to generate a single gag from a simple idea, while you have developed an entire article from it. Terriffic. Simple terrific

[Chris]

Life as we live it...seldom as we want it.

[Mason]

I like it!