Instructions for Use

If Curling Irons include disclaimers warning against use while sleeping, the Author feels that the complex Human Being should come with instructions and disclaimers of their own.

Last month I purchased a new curling iron.  Included in the box were:  1 Curling Iron, 1 Warranty Registration Card and an Instructions for Use card with a list of disturbing Warnings and Disclaimers on the back.  One disclaimer advised not use the product while sleeping, and another while bathing.  REALLY?!?!  Who does this?

  
It did get me to thinking.  I came to the conclusion that People, being infinitely more complex than curling irons, should come with their own set of warranties, instructions and disclaimers.

If we did, I think mine would read:

 NOTICE TO USER

CONTENTS INCLUDE:  One (1) Human Woman.  Handle with Care!

Complete-as-Shown.   No Assembly Required.

NOTICE:  This person has been thoroughly tested, and complies with all applicable statutes, regulations and requirements of person-hood according to the laws of the Manufacturer. (For complete listing of required tests, see below.)

FOR BEST RESULTS employ respect, honor, justice and humor when engaging this person.  Proper application of these principles will provide years of enjoyment.

WARNING! 

Contents are often under pressure, sometimes extreme.  Improper use may cause this person to become extremely explosive.  Keep away from gossip, misunderstanding, judgement, the use of expletives by minors, and promises not intended to be kept.  Exposure to these elements by anyone other than the Authorized Representative may cause unwanted results such as, but not limited to:

•   Hurt Feelings
•   Suspension of Privileges
•   Groundings
•   Blog Postings About Injuror
•   Damage to Relationships
•   Temporary Disengagement (Subject to Permanence)
•   Withdrawal of Participation in Future Activities/Events
•   Cessation of Right of Use and Easement
•   Revocation of Any and/or All Prior Commitments, Pledges or Promises 

Choose words with caution when employing this person.  Application of consistent pressure may cause explosive quality to increase proportionately.  Improper exertion of authority or dominion will cause immediate resentment and other unwanted results.  Read and follow all enclosed Directions for Use very carefully prior to use and again, often.

WARRANTY:

A reasonable expectation of function may be expected when this person is properly engaged.  Failure to employ prudence in application may cause complete system failure.

If you have any questions regarding the proper use, application, function, care, maintenance or warranty of this person, please consult The Manufacturer.

THIS PERSON HAS BEEN FULLY TESTED FOR ALL FUNCTIONS DEEMED NECESSARY FOR PROPER OPERATION BY THE MANUFACTURER, AND IS CERTIFIED BY SAME TO BE FULLY FUNCTIONAL AT THE TIME OF RELEASE.  FAILURE TO HEED WARNINGS OR EMPLOY PROPER USAGE OR HANDLING WILL NULLIFY ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESSED OR IMPLIED.  MANUFACTURER WARRANTS THIS HUMAN FOR APPROXIMATELY 70-80 YEARS WHEN ENCLOSED MAINTENANCE SCHEDULE IS FOLLOWED.

CERTIFICATION:

The Manufacturer certifies that this Person has passed the following regulatory tests:

• LEARNING:  Test of ability and willingness to learn and adapt through adversity.
• FAITH:  Test of reliance upon Manufacturer through difficulty as well as joy.
• BS-O-METER:  Test of ability to discern the truth from a lie.  Also comes with eyes-in-back-of-head.
• HONOR:  Test of ability to provide truthful accounting of events both while under duress and not.
• LOVE:  Test of ability to dispense unending supply of hugs, band-aids, words of comfort and tissues.
• CHILDBEARING:  Test of ability to dispense a fully formed human being, followed immediately by the ability to wear heart on the outside of body for the remainder of the life-cycle.
• CHILD REARING:  Test of ability to love, know, honor, provide for, protect, and understand the needs of any or all future offspring.
• MAMA-BEAR GENE:  Test of ability to advocate for her children, and their proxy when faced with duress or unfair circumstances. Additional testing proves that subject will hold same children accountable for their behavior in turn.
• AGILITY:  Test of ability to balance a child on left hip while carrying:  a car seat, a diaper bag, 2 full bags of groceries, a purse, a bottle of soda, and one cotton ball -  at the same time.  Demonstrated ability to do aforementioned while walking up two flights of stairs, backward, while crying, side-stepping several toys and a puppy on the landing, and while fishing for house key which she left in the car.  Testing repeated on a daily basis and 11 times daily.
• GRAND-MOTHERING:  Test of ability to fall in love with offspring of offspring; be they hers or of those close to her.
• FRIENDSHIP:  Test of ability to see the best in others while overlooking their flaws, provide solid moral support, sound advice if needed, and unconditional love.  Must also be able to mirror back friend's attributes in such way that friend can see her own inner-beauty AND that her a*s isn't really as fat as she thinks.
• WHITE-LIE TEST:   See LOVE, PARENTING and FRIENDSHIP TESTS
• DISENGAGEMENT:  Test of ability to learn from mistakes and enable:  change mode, adapt to circumstance mode, or withdrawal mode as appropriate.
• HUMANITY:  Test of ability to allow herself to be fallible without guilt.  (At this time, no models have been able to pass this test 100% of the time.  The Manufacturer is content with the pass/fail ratio and will not issue an upgrade or patch to resolve.)
• DISCERNMENT:  Test of ability to learn to employ that which is in her own best interest, while performing all of the above noted tests.  NOTE:  This is an ongoing test which will require reboot or adjustments as subject gains perspective through experience.

Enjoy Your Human!

 

Author's Note

Read the Instruction MAN-ual for Men (by Mark) here

Reviews

[Ed Hart]

you do this so well, and your knowledge of life on venus is obviously firsthand...now, taking into account the prettified primates you are principally addressing, i would like to add that life on mars begins (in my day) with training in cowboys-and-indians, and cops-and-robbers, a distrust of venusians, a gauntlet of caretakers and trainers and fraudulent symbols of the archetype that often impart to our little martians a cockeyed view of the girl things...but, this old martian can tell you that some of us make it through to the other side, where we actually learn the nature of trust and friendship, and there they keep each other, very well

[Knuckles]

Genius!!

[EMF]

Bloody perfect. Simple as that. Bloody perfect

[roarke]

ah, I feel factory defective..... can I get a refund or do I have to file a class action suit?

This was a terrific concept, carried out in perfect detail. I dare say, it's one of the most sane, logical and truthful disclaimer documents ever composed.
Upon looking at your manifest, I'd say you were more a collector's item than a Wal-mart special.....
VERY good stuff SHL

[r. f. jordan]

this exercise looks like it must have been fun to write, and certainly brought a smile to my face to read. i love the jargon, and how it flows off of the tongue, when read aloud, much like the disclaimers on pharmaceutical ads. human beings are deeply complex packages, but there is joy to the use of them when handled with care. thank you for this buoyant originality.

[Chris]

The really good thing about this... is it showcases your sense of the ridiculous. Sometimes having THAT is more rare than a person might think.

[Looouise]

This is really clever. :) Twas rather enjoyable to read. :)