Canvas

Canvas

A Poem by Morgan|Intelligent|witty|gemini

I see myself as a canvas 
a canvas that I paint with different colors
a canvas that I transform into my special project
But...
There come those times where
I allow someone else to hold my brush
and splatter their own color over mine
splat, splat, splat,
paint trickles down and covers most of my work
It's a blow to my self worth
because to this person and to many others
I am nothing more than a canvas they can mark and overthrow
I'm another ego boost that they can show
just another canvas
that is the value I have
the value they have placed on me
so I try to repaint and get back what I have lost

But another person takes my brush
my oh so beloved friend
well, who I thought was my friend
splat, splat, splat,
I can barely see my own colors anymore
There's no strength in me to move, to scream, to fight back
while person after person smudges and paints on my canvas right before my eyes

There's blue where there should be red
and green where there should be brown
this is no longer my work
this is no longer me

My crush, my love, kisses my canvas with a brush covered in black paint
those kisses turn into small blows of pain
"I like you, but now I don't"
"I want you, but not all of you"
"you can have me, but under certain circumstances"
It doesn't end there
everyone gets to add to my canvas
gets to tell me my value
gets to tell me what I should do and be in order to increase it
after awhile, they all leave

And the canvas I see before me is starting to dry
and it dry's
and it dry's
while I cry
and I cry
And little by little inside I die
the ones I love and care about asked to take a color from the ones I have left
I give them all away
and after awhile those very same people
never come my way

50% has turned into 30%
30% has turned into 10
my self value has decreased 
what am I to do?
Beg for others to lend me colors and help me finish this piece 
that I have no choice but to claim as mine
fake a smile,
force a laugh,
be used when needed and tossed when not
the canvas I once created is hidden away
covered from top to bottom
to the point of no return
they damaged me
oh...how they damaged me.

© 2023 Morgan|Intelligent|witty|gemini


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Added on September 13, 2019
Last Updated on June 15, 2023
Tags: Mental Health, BPD, poem, poems, monolouges, monolouge, inner monolouge, mental illness, feelings, emotions, life, free verse poem, sad, sadness, empty, emptiness

Author

Morgan|Intelligent|witty|gemini
Morgan|Intelligent|witty|gemini

ME



About
My names Morgan, I'm 26 years old. I have a pretty cool cat and a witty personality. I tend to have a lot of emotions and feelings that I don't always understand or that I understand all to well, eith.. more..

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