F**k Walmart

Once there was a broke guy (like you, heh-heh.) He was so broke that he shopped for all of his furniture at secondhand thrift places like Goodwill, and Value Village and K-Mart. One day he had some women over (unlike you) and his bed frame broke so he had to go shopping. He went to the local homeless donation center, Walmart, to go sheet shopping. And that's when he saw it. A badass pillow. It was glowing like the f*****g sun. It was shinier than Kanye's gold grill.  It was bomb a*s hell. And there was only one left! The broke guy had to have it! The broke guy (we'll name him Dave) sauntered over to the shelf to grab the sexy pillow. But right as he was about to grab it, a monstrous hand reached out and snatched it off the shelf. The hand belonged to a Walmart mutant. The mutant was five feet tall, six-hundred pounds, and had on a stained shirt that was twelve sizes too small. He had Cheeto dust all over his face and his shirt. The mutant limped back over to his motorized scooter with the sexy pillow. And he threw it into the basket. But Dave couldn't let this happen. He approached the Walmonster. The monster was heaving and out of breath after exerting himself so strenuously. Dave looked at the monster in his Cheeto covered face.