Moon white flowers

This is a poem for one of my characters.

The snow and winds are gone,

the chill sets sail,

Still, in my mind, I hear his whispers

 and soft singing.

His pale hand clasping

around my beating heart,

balming the motion, 

slowing it,

letting it fade sweetly, 

into the night, 

like the fragrance of

moon white flowers. 

Author's Note

"Death is delightful. Death is dawn, The waking from a weary night Of fevers unto truth and light."
--James Russell Lowell
This is a poem for one of my characters in the book I am trying to write. Review and comment please, tell me what you think of it.

Reviews

[Mirra]

I see a goddess reciting this poem while imagining of her pirate lover. Haha I don't know if this is the character your crafted in your story but this poem is really good. It seem to talk about lovers waiting and longing to be reunited with each other again. Well done.

[Kieta!]

This is a lovely, beautiful poem! Very... poetic ;) Great job!!! :D

[Moonie]

Hahaha, being poetic was my intention. Lol!
Thanks for the review, dearest Kieta(whose profile picture is adorable btw!)=))

[C. Rose]

I like the connection you drew between fading into death (I assume) and the fading scent of a beautiful flower.
Favorite line "chill sets sail" I know this line isn't the heart of the piece, but it sits nicely on the tongue and I like the thought.

[Moonie]

Thanks for the lovely words, dear Rose. Hmmm, that is my favourite part too. The funny thing is that the line came to me without much thinking, as if it had always meant to be there. :))

[Madalyn Beck]

Well, you have me curious about your character! Haha! This is a beautiful pen with lovely imagery. Great job! :)

[Moonie]

Thanks for the lovely words. The character is the warlock who was sassy enough to challenge death. He makes a small appearance in my book. His true story is longer. I would try to post his story on writer's café soon, seeing the ripples of interest he has created. =))

[Nusquam Esse]

As of late I have been a bit cautious about the usage of 'the' at the beginning of sentences, I found that unless I was trying to emphasize the singularity of something, it was best to omit it--especially in poetry. I am thinking that the first line would be best written as "Snow and Wind is gone"... although it is just a matter of opinion; and again, you may prefer to emphasize the idea (difference between that movie was s**t, and that movie was the s**t... :P ). I would also recommend dropping 'his' from the third line, since it gives it a more surreal feeling, and the 'his' feels better introduced later in the poem (although it could work to drop both of them... depending on how open to interpretation you wanted this) It may also be good to remove 'around', since it feels redundant with the verb clasping before it. Realize that punctuation is not strictly necessary in poetry; it is used less to bridge clauses and clarify, and more for its effect. I bring this up because the commas near the end give this poem a 'run-on comma splice' feeling; I recommend mixing up the punctuation, or removing a few of them. Ummm... also try having 'sweetly' be its own line, see how you like it; it honestly works either way, but somehow it feels like there should be a pause and emphasis on it. In any case, this had a nice mystical feeling to it; I really enjoy surrealism, so I admittedly enjoy images such as this.

[Moonie]

A constructive review, at last! Phew!
I like the idea about keeping "sweetly" all by its own, emphasizes that the person is happy to have his heart slowing down. I have been obsessed with punctuation lately (am I not always?:D) and so that may have led to this. I also like the idea of "his" being removed, to give it an eerie feel, but again, "his" seems to indicate that it is his whispers I hear.
I am glad you are back! :))

[Nusquam Esse]

Punctuation is tricky, since its purpose is very different between prose and poetry. Another option is to do 'a pale' instead of 'his pale', for the same reasons... ;)

[Awakened Rose]

beautiful and majestic. Like a breeze across my face. I enjoyed this very much. Thank you for sharing!

[Moonie]

Thanks for the words, dear awakened rose. I appreciate that you stopped by. :))

[elvenom]

A chilly atmosphere of a beautiful scenery, with an ending I really enjoyed. This shall be quite an interesting character.

[Moonie]

Ah, thank you, dear Elvenom. The character is the warlock who challenged death. He makes a small appearance in the book I am trying to write. His life story is longer than that. I would try to post his story on writer's café soon, seeing that he interests people. :))

[Taylor_McCutcheon]

A beautiful look at death. I cant wait to read this book :)

[Moonie]

Alas! But the book is a lazy one, that does not want to get completed soon, however hard I try.
read moreAlas! But the book is a lazy one, that does not want to get completed soon, however hard I try.
=))
thanks for the amazing review. :))

[Moonie]

Thanks for the lovely review. :)) I wrote this since the "read more" above did not change to a link.

[Taylor_McCutcheon]

lol I understand :) and no problem

[Bluefire]

This is beautiful, I like that you wrote a poem about one of your characters.
Cleverly played. ^^

[Moonie]

Thanks, dear bluefire. Always glad to hear from you. :))

[Bluefire]

You be welcome. ^^

[Chris Micha]

How beautiful you have put death. You have a way with words that captivate me. Amazing job!!

[Moonie]

Aww, thanks a lot, dear Christian.

[Shimae Parks]

This by far is the best one I have read simple and sweet and you are clear in your message I love it please read mine also thanks

[Moonie]

Thanks for the review, dear ma'am. It is an honour for me to hear from you.:))