The very next train

~To grandad~

For day by day,

we watched his presence fade away.

Not in his glass jar of

nickles,

nor in his shoes,

could we find him again.

His memories he did forget 

to take away with him.

In his cufflinks and his

coat vests, 

they lingered  like half-ready suitcases,

half-stuffed,

like shark jaws, they

devoured my soul and sucked

my joy

like a deluminator.

Everyday, they sat gaping at each passing

passers-by.

With bug-large eyes,

like an alligator in the marsh,

they pounced

from shady corners

and cobwebbed around my heart.

Author's Note

For all those who aren't potter fans--
The deluminator, also known as the Put-Outer, is a device used by Albus Dumbledore (the first known owner and designer of the one  known to exist) to remove light sources from the immediate surroundings, as well as bestow them. It looks like a standard silver cigarette lighter.

It seemed appropriate, somehow.

Reviews

[Fabian G. Franklin]

I greatly enjoyed this. The overall write was touching and sad. The only part that gave me pause in the construction was "His memories he did forget
to take away with him."
Why not, He left memories; behind and forgotten. It's the "he did forget" that I struggle with. And I offer this not as a criticism but merely an observation and my feelings in the reading. Bless.

[Moonie]

Thank you so much for this review! I appreciate it greatly. Umm, to me saying "his memories he did forget", sounds actually like the one who is saying this forgot the beginning of the sentence and added it afterwards, reversing the classical structure of how the phrases should go...like i have tried to achieve the same sense throughout the poem...the last stanza sounds like a train of thought- one image leading to the next one...all interconnected. I know that this poem is not quite my best, but it all makes sense to me for some reason...
Once again, thank you for observing the little detail, and for the very good review! Belated happy new year to you, friend!

[...]

At least you can say my review is,suck or something. Well this writers,cafe what should I except. Nothing much. Good bye

[...]

This poem is very straight and clear. Reader can feel your love and nostalgia when someone close to your heart left. Your question if you can find him again is very touching. I like also how you describe this sadness . When all what we can see can make our sadness more deeper and stronger.

[An owl on the moon]

It has been so long since my grandfather left us, yet in your words, these brilliantly woven thoughts, you create again the flow of feelings, of letting go yet holding tight. Your metaphors hold a magic no less potent than Dumbledore's deluminator. Yes, somehow it is a darkness that extinguishes all light, that steals our breath. I deeply appreciate your poetic transparency.

[Moonie]

Hello again! I now feel that this poem is not one of my best pieces because maybe i tried a new idea of writing about these interwoven thread of thoughts, trying to explain how they follow one another...dunno if the feel i wanted to convey got through... it's still one of my favourite poems though, since i am pretty attached to it because of the subject and not because of the composition. Yet, reading your review, i feel that you understood all i wanted to put out and i greatly appreciate your review...it's very uplifting and poignant.

[An owl on the moon]

I am glad you write as the words speak through you, and not simply to frame words in boxes for display. May we always find your inspirations around, especially in profound times of darkness.

[Pete]

this is a beautiful piece of writing. powerful imagery. it is a sad tribute but reveals your deep, caring heart. cool title. great on any level.

[Moonie]

Thanks so much! I like to think that Death's just a new journey....just like shifting trains on a platform..hence the title..

[Dani The Unreviewed]

Well, this strikes in tha heart, cuz i really miss my grandpa, and after reading this piece...miss him more. Very well penned. Love the imagery.

" For day by day,
we watched his presence fade away.
Not in his glass jar of
nickles,
nor in his shoes,
could we find him again.
His memories he did forget
to take away with him." → are my favorite lines here.
as for the deluminator..clever, i never thought I'd see it in a piece of poetry, as good as this one is. Overall, i love it, 100 points :)

[Writer at last! Sky ~]

It was deep and full of imagination, simply wonderful piece of work. I think its "The very next great" by you!

[Einstein Noodle]

God bless you for loving your grand dad so much .. i am moved by your poem ..it is heartfelt and the sincerity rings throughout ... so well done says i! those memories are masterfully handled in "The very next train" ... there is nothing to change ..no improvements to wonder about .. well done! and i am sorry for your loss :(
peace and joy
E.
ps. Sun 11/8 ... just read it again! what a pleasure to read and feel! at 66 yrs old i have buried enough to be moved by your poem on behalf of wife, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and some friends ... again ..you say it so well .. wonderful poetry!!

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Heart wrenching poem, with gripping imagery and flow.
People go but memories remain.
A great tribute to the grandad.
Kudos!

[Moonie]

Thank you, Jyoti for the lovely comment!

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

You are very welcome.

[C. Rose]

favorite bits: that he forgot to take his memories away with him, like half-ready suitcases, cobwebbed around my heart.

Confusing bits: half-stuffed, like shark jaws - at first I thought you were saying shark jaws are half stuffed. I recommend rearranging/rephrasing or just removing the line "half-stuffed" because the half-ready suitcases line is strong on its own.

bug-large eyes also confused me. I know bug eyes are big - but eyes the size of bugs would be small...

alligators pounced - the subject and verb don't match. cats pounce. Alligators .. i'm guessing they snap lunge or swallow.

I instantly thought of a grandfather when you talked about a nickle jar, shoes, cufflinks, and memory.

Well done :)

[Moonie]

Thanks, rose for visiting, and for your in-depth review.
If I have to explain those confusing bits..

if the second paragraph, is read with care..you'll discover it sounds a bit like a train of different thoughtsracing tthrough the protagonist's mind. Paying close attention to punctuation, you'll see that the sentences are all interconnected.
they lingered  like half-ready suitcases,

half-stuffed,

like shark jaws, they

devoured my soul and sucked

my joy

like a deluminator.

Everyday, they sat gaping at each passing

passers-by.

With bug-large eyes,

like an alligator in the marsh,

they pounced

from shady corners

and cobwebbed around my heart.

[Moonie]

I talk about the "baggage" one leaves behind in the first paragraph..from where the narrator's mind immediately forms the image of stuffed suitcases...which seemingly remindes him of the jaws of a shark...again notice how "half stuffed" is not writen with the shark jaws..and yet it is the phrase which leads the poem on...I have not compared half stuffed with shark jaws directly...rather compared how the baggage devours our soul like a shark's jaws...but the image of the shark jaws comes from the word "half stuffed"...it reads like a thread of thoughts...the phrase gives rise to the image subconsciously in the mind of the narrator.


Bug large eyes...I do get what you mean..but the phrase just adds continuity to the whole poem. I couldn't find a good enough replacement, and so it remains.


Alligators do pounce. The verb seems perfectly valid to me...although the way readers relate subject verb always varies. Also, notice, that pounce is mainly for those memories...which the phrase "alligator" triggers.



I am so glad you could relate with it. I honestky appreciate the thought and time you put into this review. Thank you! :))))

[Moonie]

So sorry for the typos...I was on my phone. :((

[C. Rose]

Thanks for responding with so much detail too! It makes up for all the ignored reviews when someone like yourself thinks through a response :)