I am here...

I am here...

A Story by Neetha
"

Ma, I am here...

"
I stare at myself in the mirror. I look pale, bloodless. Other than that, I look the same. I can describe the girl staring at me from the mirror as an anaemic version of my older self.

I am ardently gazing at my new physique when I hear a muffled sob. I know who it is but I don't acknowledge it. Its too early to let the burden of what just happened sink in and crush me.

I follow the sounds into my bedroom. I don't enter directly though. I hesitate a moment and peek in through the doorway. As expected, I see my ma sobbing heavily, clutching to my worn bedspread.

It breaks my heart to see her crying for me. I feel a wave of sadness swelling inside me, crashing against my ribs. And I can almost feel the pain inside me.

Ma doesn't notice me, though. Her heaving, doubled over frame sits facing away from the doorway. I gently enter, walk in a few steps and then abruptly stop. She hasn't noticed me yet.

So many 'what ifs' are swirling inside my head. The doubts make me nauseous. And at that moment, I am struck by the realisation that I can still feel. I never thought I would.

'But she needs me', says the tiny voice inside my head. 'Be there for her, its gonna be fine'. Okay. I steel myself up. But I do know that its for her that I am worried. We never know…

I cross the last few steps to my tiny bed and seat myself beside her. My bed doesn't compress under my weight. I feel as light as a feather.

'Ma', I whisper.

She flinches but the action is so subtle that I can't say whether I imagined it. I try again, not losing hope.

'Ma, I am here', I say a bit more louder.

She clutches my bedspread closer and sobs even more heavily. She is saying something. Her sobs are muffling her words. All I can make out from her sobs are repeated, anguished 'whys'.

'Why….why...why…', she wails.

I don't know. I haven't yet thought about it. I haven't found an answer yet.

'I don't know, ma', I choke out the words.

I look at her closely. I can't believe how much she has changed in the span of a few days. I can't find any trace of the beautiful, capable, lively Ma I knew. All I see is a sad shell of her former self, hunched over as if she has aged thirty years more in the span of a mere three days. I snap out of my sad reverie realising Ma is trying to say something.

'Come back, my love, please, come back to ma', she says through her tears.

Now its my turn to flinch. I have come back. I am sitting right beside her. She still hasn't noticed me.

No, this can't be real. Its Ma. She will definitely see me.

I try again, desperation eating me out literally.

'Ma!! I have come back, ma. Your daughter has come back. Please, tell me you can see me. Please…'

And sobs gush out of me frantically, shaking my entire being. And to my horror, I realise, I cry dry. Sobs are coursing through my body but not a single tear drops out of my pale eyes.

Ma gets up, wipes away her tears and walks out of my room. She doesn't look back as, I know, she cant bear the weight of the memories lurking in my bedroom. I stare after her, still half sobbing.

I sit there like that for some time. Many realisations are clashing with each other to dawn upon me but I vehemently push them away. I cant push the thoughts away for too long though. And then I acknowledge the most difficult one.

A fresh wave of sobs threaten to break out, but I deliberately gulp them down. The acknowledgement is so depressing and alienating that, out of habit, I put my hand to my chest in shock. And then I realise yet another thing. My heart is not beating. I am dead. I am nothing but a spirit lost in the vortex of a chaotic universe.

And Ma will never see me again...




© 2020 Neetha


Author's Note

Neetha
Feel free to criticise. Posting here after a long time.

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Featured Review

I like this! This resonated with me and an experience I had at a young age ( I even wrote a short story about).
I am torn with deciding if I like the idea of not knowing if the main character died or committed suicide. There are comments that make me think both.
But I enjoyed the story.

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Neetha

3 Weeks Ago

Hey,
Thank you so much for the review. Glad to hear you enjoyed. And I honestly didn't focus .. read more



Reviews

My mother has long since left this life, but I often remember the bitter rows we had. We also had some good times. Your story certainly made me think and remember!

Posted 3 Days Ago


The end is so tragic and was expected right from the second half. Line after line, the story got self-driven and audience would emote after going through. Anything related to mother feels me so touchy. Only children knows about the vacant space generated by their parent's departure and vice-versa. Even i lost my mother so early and still feel the helplessness of that moment.
Brilliantly narrated, i read it twice though it was full of sentiments. Keep writing !!

Posted 4 Days Ago


Neetha

3 Days Ago

Losing a parent, that must be the hardest to cope with. I hope you are managing well. And yes, I wil.. read more
People, who want to be lost. Can't be found. The story told of a bad situation leading to death. The story was real, honest and the description. Felt real. Thank you dear Neetha for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Neetha

3 Weeks Ago

Thank you so much:) Really glad to hear from you..
Coyote Poetry

1 Week Ago

Was my pleasure and you are welcome dear Neetha.
this is a great story,relatable to us all

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


Neetha

3 Weeks Ago

Oh thank you 😄
 wordman

3 Weeks Ago

you`re welcome
I like this! This resonated with me and an experience I had at a young age ( I even wrote a short story about).
I am torn with deciding if I like the idea of not knowing if the main character died or committed suicide. There are comments that make me think both.
But I enjoyed the story.

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Neetha

3 Weeks Ago

Hey,
Thank you so much for the review. Glad to hear you enjoyed. And I honestly didn't focus .. read more
I like this! This resonated with me and an experience I had at a young age ( I even wrote a short story about).
I am torn with deciding if I like the idea of not knowing if the main character died or committed suicide. There are comments that make me think both.
But I enjoyed the story.

Posted 3 Weeks Ago



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Added on June 11, 2020
Last Updated on June 11, 2020
Tags: Ma, Love

Author

Neetha
Neetha

Kerala, India



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