Unfinished

Something that I am thinking about putting together. This is just a little snippet of it.

The sound of a heater buzzed as an arm was placed lazily on top of his head. He could feel the slight vibration of the cars engine. Unseeing eyes gazed out at the darkening sky. His gaze not betraying the chaos in his mind. Thoughts flew around his brain like little paper air planes. Which was funny because although he was a man; he also had his essence of his youth. Dorian was not a man of many words or emotion. He never quite was like everyone else. He would have mixed feelings about a lot of things but he never learned how to filter them. How to display them or even how to say, “I love you”.
He had many relationships. Friends and lovers. But they never really stayed -the lovers at least. It was due to the fact of how under appreciated they felt. From the unreciprocated I love you’s, to the buying of gifts, to supporting Dorian in all he did. All of that never reciprocated or even thanked. His lovers would receive an awkward pause and maybe a head nod in return. His friends would receive a nice fist bump. Dorian never saw his mistake. Never understood the difference of how he presented himself, versus, when someone would get to know him. He never realized how he would put on that little façade to the world. The smiling and bright man who knew what to say and how to say it. He was charming, he was funny, he was smart and able. But the moment he would let someone see him. See him for who he really was. He was seen as dull, rude, inconsiderate -this and that.

He sighed and let his arm fall lazily to his lap. He supposed it was for the best; he lived his life deep within his mind. He didn’t need people. He had himself..always himself. Maybe that was why he couldn’t hold onto a conversation or onto another person no matter how hard he held onto them. Dorian was a watcher. Sounds creepy..but it’s quite mundane compared to the thoughts that just poked through your cheeky minds. Dorian studied people and how they would interact. He would take mental notes and reenact it. Something he wasn’t aware he was doing. He would do this as a child and as a man he only got more intense. He would obsess over every little detail. Every hair had to be in place. Especially before a date. He would make sure to be the perfect gentleman. Have flowers ready for the women he hoped would stay.

“This time”

He would whisper to himself as he would arrive at the women’s house. Every single time it was “this time.” Until the day he finally made love to this beautiful women. She looked like an African Queen. To him she was his Queen and he would have been a slave for her. She always wore her hair in a beautiful curly afro. She always smelled sweet like fruit. Her skin was silky smooth and she spoke with a flow that could hypnotize you. She was the nicest person he has ever met. He leaned back in his seat as he thought of her.

The way she would say, “..You know..for a white man...you sure know how to make me feel like a human being.”

Implying that he let her be herself without judgement or restrictions. She was the one who turned him onto reggae and Erykah Badu. She was the only women he has ever loved to the best of his ability. No women could replace her. So, well, he went to men.

Now he always loved men. The essence of a /real/ man...enough said. With a man it was different. It really made him see how unbalanced his persona was. He could fit in with any group. He was a chameleon and often he would get called out on it. He was fooling around with this one twink and..he will never forget it. They were just laying in bed watching some movie the other put on. Dorian was staring through the movie as usual. Chick flicks like this never caught his attention. So he was unaware of the eyes on him. He wasn’t sure how long Sean was looking at him. But it was long enough for him to blurt out.

“How do you live like that?” His face showing his mixed emotions.

Dorian refocused his eyes on the TV screen assuming that’s what he was talking about.

“Huh?” He muttered to the other as he casted an empty gaze at him.

That’s when he caught that look on Seans face. A look that he will never understand. He just couldn’t feel the emotions and so he couldn’t understand them. He pushed his brows together and gave the other a playful nudge. But Sean was not amused nor was he happy. All Dorian could do was stare at the other and repeat himself.

“Huh?...” His confusion showing through his tone.

Sean pulled away from him, “How can you live like this?...” he sighed an unamused laugh.
“Dorian you’re nothing...” he shook his head as his eyes darted around trying to come up with words, “You’re not nothing..you’re empty. You’re the most unrealistic person I have /ever/ met.” He gave the other an exasperated look.

Dorian could only stare at him. Mentally he was scratching his head trying to come up with an answer. But his words just didn’t make sense to him. Empty? Unrealistic? What is that supposed to mean? But before he could ask Sean continued to speak.

“Like....” he sighed trying to come up with words, “It’s just like..how do I put this...”

He moved to face the other, “Even when we’re f*****g you’re...empty. You’re draining me. It’s like..it’s like having a walking talking mannequin?!”

Sean moved to put his hands on both side of Dorians face, “You’re not even real. It’s like you have no soul. You look at me and all I see is...is nothing!” His brows pushed together.

Sean started to shake with adrenaline, “I kiss you-“ he leaned down and gave him a gentle kiss, “and nothing!”

His hands fell disappointedly in his lap, “I just don’t understand.” His words soft.

Dorian could only continue to stare. His mouth open as he was unsure if he should say something or do something. So he cleared his throat and again playfully nudged the others shoulder.

“Heyyy man...” he sat up, “I mean we both knew this was just a play thing here...nothing serious.” He shrugged.

Again he was missing the point. He couldn’t grasp the idea of what a Sean was saying. It wasn’t about a relationship!

“I can’t f*****g believe you!” Sean stood up.

Dorian stood up too not understanding why the other is getting angrier.

“I don’t want to /be/ in a relationship with you. Hell...ha I /barely/ even want to f**k you anymore. You’re not human Dorian you’re a freak!” He was yelling in his face now.

“I don’t understand how many more times I have to say that to you!...Being around you is draining me!” He paused his rant to laugh rudely in Dorians face.

“You’re f*****g stupid if you don’t understand.”
He paused, “F*****g stupid.” Sean studied the other.

All he was trying to do was get a reaction out of Dorian. To see a little life in his eyes and maybe some real emotion. Something to let him know the man was human. But all he got was a blank stare and a vague confused eyebrow raise. Now Dorian has been in plenty of fights but he wasn’t expecting this man in front of him to back hand the skin off his face. Dorians eyes never left his. All he could do was sigh as he felt that slight sting on his cheek.

That was the day someone got close to him and hated what they saw. He would never forget that day. After he was slapped he left. He was unsure of what the other wanted from him. If it wasn’t a relationship...then what? A connection? If that’s what he wanted then Dorian wasn’t the one. He could always fake emotions even if he didn’t understand it. But someone could only do so much with something they just couldn’t comprehend. A smile could reach his face. But never his eyes or heart..or soul? A soul? Maybe Sean was right. Maybe he did lack a soul. His consciousness is the most realistic thing about him..he would suppose.

Author's Note

This is completely unfinished and just something I started to write..on my phone...in my car haha. So this is just a little snippet. Just to throw it out there so I won’t lose it and so I can start thinking where I want this to go. I am thinking it could be a book. Depending on how I end up finishing it.