An Observer's Wish

An Observer's Wish

A Poem by Nisha Ahmed

Starting with the morning sunshine,
And ending with the evening dew

Coming to the flower’s bloom,
And going to the bee too


I see His beauty everywhere,
His creativity makes my eyes see


Everything he invents is so clear and fair,
I wonder when I will get to finally see Him


And tell Him how much I love His makings
And how much I love thee 

© 2011 Nisha Ahmed


Author's Note

Nisha Ahmed
I've started writing poetry and stuff, and I'd really love to hear what you guys have to say about it. Be brutal!

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Reviews

make each stanzas a little bit longer, and the poem itself make it longer, even thought its short, its nice and very rhyming. Keep doing it!

Posted 12 Years Ago


It sounds like a poem to praise god. Never too many of those and you are quite good at conveying your feelings in it, I like it.

There are two points of criticism though that might be helpful for you:

"And going to the bee too" - it rhymes with the second line but the rhythm is off a bit:

And(1) en(2)ding(3) with(4) the(5) ev(6)ening(7) dew(8)
And(1) go(2)ing(3) to(4) the(5) bee(6) too(7)

it's what you could call "offbeat" so the flow of the poem is interrupted.

The second thing is pretty much about the same problem - another case of "offbeat" rhythm.

In the end it's up to you whether or not you think it should be fixed/changed, but with a little work on your wording it shouldn't be hard.

(I hope you will forgive me this not review related comment: I really love your cat avatar pic... it's so damn cute!)

Posted 12 Years Ago



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197 Views
2 Reviews
Added on December 22, 2011
Last Updated on December 22, 2011

Author

Nisha Ahmed
Nisha Ahmed

Islamabad, Punjab, Pakistan



Writing
L.O.V.E L.O.V.E

A Story by Nisha Ahmed