Thanatopsis

A woman always concerned with death. Chesus Christo i hate writing these, just read it then you can tell me what its about.

I sit on my back porch, nose shoved into a book.

 

Leaves of Grass, it's always been my favorite.

 

The air was cool, the birds were chirping, one of those perfect days, you know?

 

Pink was hanging at the edge of the sky, pulling the blue down slowly until all that will be left is blackness, an abyss. The small puffs of white floating around will be replaced by the far away sparkle of celestial bodies, which, really, are always there, but just covered by a much less dramatic refraction of light.

 

My husband came out, rubbed my shoulders and kissed my forehead before sitting down beside me. He still smelled like freshly baked bread from work.

 

"How was your day, sweetie?" He asks as he puts his arm around me. I could hear him smiling. He was so happy.

 

I looked up to the sky focusing on the disappearing blue and I told him,

 

"I'm dying".

 

It took him a second to reply, with each millisecond the smile sliding form his face. He leaned away from me and crossed his arms and said sternly, "You are always dying"

 

He thinks I'm a hypochondriac. And it is true that every so often I have come to him saying I have some illness or another, but I just know I'm dying. I can feel it in every part of me, some blackness sliding over me until I will so be nothing but a blackness, an abyss.

 

I told him about the my latest disease and I have all the symptom: easy fatigue and loss of energy, unusually rapid heartbeat, particularly with exercise, shortness of breath and headache, particularly with exercise, difficulty concentrating, dizziness, pale skin, leg cramps, insomnia. All of the signs were there. I'm dying.

 

He just stood up and told me, "Maybe you should go to the doctor." and walked inside, slamming the door.

 

I sat outside a whole lot longer and watched the darkness consume the light.

Author's Note

I wrote another paragraph about the morning she about to go to the doctor but I'm not sure where to go with it next. Does she die or is she pregnant? Death or Life. help me with the pros and cons.

Then i was thinking maybe i should just stop. Does the point come across. Does she already seem dead to you? Help please.

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

What you have so far is very good, but I think you should carry it out to a more satiable conclusion. You know how some folks get upset when a movie "doesn't end right"? With this, you've pulled the reader in and got them interested, and then chopped it off. At least give a clue as to what her condition might actually be. This is just my opinion, of course.

[NoelleRash]

Yes I appriciate all opinions. :) thank you.

Actually the syptoms she explains are those of anemia. I just didnt want to mention it because its not exactly a deadly disease; highly treatable and curable. I just liked the symbolism of her having anemia. She doesn't have enough of what is suppose to be keeping her alive. I actually did write a bit more but I think ending this way takes it out of the literal. Unlike a movie, the reader has to make a conclusion. I was hoping that her watching "the darkness consume the light" would signal her actually dying, not because her disease but because it's inevitable; as her husband says she is "always dying"

[Samuel Dickens]

It's your baby, and should please you above all others.

[NoelleRash]

Well I kind of like the idea that pieces of literature are always up to interpretation so it's my baby but just like a child it can be changed by the world around it.

[TLK]

["He thinks I'm a hypochondriac. And it is true that every so often I have come to him saying I have some illness or another, but I just know I'm dying. I can feel it in every part of me, some blackness sliding over me until I will so be nothing but a blackness, an abyss."]

Some readers will be scratching their heads and asking "what's that"? I know, not many, not in the age of 'google-me-symptoms'. Still, some people have a ridiculously restricted vocabulary... doesn't stop 'em writing, though.
However, others are shouting YES I KNOW. I CAN TELL. She could be looking at his disbelieving eyes (but, shudder, don't call them that. 'Disbelieving eyes'. Blech) and thinking, "yes, I was wrong this time, and that time, and THAT time" -- each one more ridiculous -- "but this time is different..."

That would not TELL us she was a hypochon... whatever that big words means (me not no many words)... but SHOW us.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Show,_don%27t_tell



I'm really hot on this kind of character development because I'm reading Saul Bellow's Herzog, and it is an absolute masterclass in using memories to develop the multiplicity of a character. Moses Herzog is a mix of tenderness and misanthropic hate, and you are literally TOLD nothing about him. It's all show. It's amazing.

[NoelleRash]

Well I think i did kind of show that he is in disbelief that she is dying and angry and frustrated with her for suggesting it, with his body language. I also think that hypochondriac is a pretty layman.I used it not only for the actual meaning but also the stigma and connotations that go along with that word. If someone says your a hypochondriac, its usually pretty negatively connoted, meaning the person is overly dramatic and paranoid. By her thinking this is what she thinks about her husband, it shows the conflicts she has not only with her husband, but also with herself. Also, as a writer I'm not going to slow the progression of a story to explain a word. I gave plenty of context clues, I think and we do live in a Google age, any reader can just look it up. That is what makes readers so smart. I think the idea behind "show don't tell" is that you are showing emotions and motives, not through dialogue or actual statements, but through actions and thoughts.

but thank you for your comment.

[TLK]

I'm sorry, the way my comment is written exaggerates the possible problem of readers not understanding the term 'hypochondriac'. What I'm trying to say is that I don't care if some readers need it spelling out that she has a problem, least of all that the problem is being a hypochondriac. What I would like to see is the reader being led to this possibility, rather than told it. I want the neurosis to shine through, to not need to be explained.

Show don't tell applies to everything, not just emotions and motives.

[NoelleRash]

I do not want that neurosis to shine through at all. I dont want her to be seen as mental ill at all that way. The other day someone told me this is a telling of depression and an existential crisis and I that's how I'd rather have it interpreted but I do understand there are unlimited amounts of ways to see creative pieces and I'm just the writer it's not my business to tell you what the story me means. What are you getting from it?

[TLK]

Neurosis is something of an outmoded term, so it sounds scarier than it should. It means: "...a class of functional mental disorders involving distress but neither delusions nor hallucinations, whereby behavior is not outside socially acceptable norms".

Arguably, hyperchondria is a textbook example of a neurosis: http://leonelpolson.hubpages.com/hub/Psychosomatic-states-Neuroses-Hypochondria

As someone who is a psychologist and has read existentialist philosophy, I cannot concur that there is an existential crisis here. Much more simply, it seems like someone who wants to be noticed. An existential crisis would be more thinking that your not being particularly important is a sign that your life is meaningless, existence is futile, and even if you stay alive you can accomplish nothing. "Existence precedes essence" -- and making that essence seems to be an impossible task.

[NoelleRash]

well i was going more along the lines of "existence is futile", in your words. her husband comments "You are always dying" I kind of wanted that to be taken with two meanings. "I sat outside a whole lot longer and watched the darkness consume the light." was meant to kind of show she sees death coming, knows its always there. All of her symptoms are actually symptoms of anemia, the lack of red blood cells. She is dying because of lack of blood, lack of vitality. Furthermore a thanatopsis is an expression on a persons view of death. I wanted this to be her looking at death. But I do understand, you being a psychologist looking at this a littler more literally and interpreting behavior. Thank you for your insight.

[Ufi Auttorri ~ UfoAutho..]

A great vignette but "hustband" and you have "four heads?" What is this world coming to? Shesh! You must be typing this into here directly. I think it works much better if you do your writing in a real text editor (outside of this website) and then paste it back in. Just a thought. Keep up the good work! :)

[NoelleRash]

better? I put it into word and spell checked it. and i read through it twice more but i always have a hard time editing and fixing mistakes.

[Ufi Auttorri ~ UfoAuthor]

Much, much better! [set opinion ON] From the reader's perspective, I think they really appreciate being able to focus on the story and not be distracted by typos, spelling, grammar and so forth. If you need to have feedback and don't have the time or energy to clean it up then it might be useful to warn a prospective reviewer/reader by placing "DRAFT DRAFT DRAFT" somewhere prominent. That way only your most loyal and ardent followers will jump into the mud pile. By the way, this sort of thing: "I told him about the my latest disease" (the my) ...isn't going to be caught by spell/grammar checkers. You need human eyeballs and it's probably why the profession of editor still exists. :) Hey! You are really making great progress in my opinion. Please keep up the great work. I'm looking forward to reading whatever you publish next.

[Ufi Auttorri ~ UfoAuthor]

Oh, BTW, the tagline should probably read "woman". :) ...and why do you hate writing these sorts of things? Is someone holding a hot iron to your feed or what? [curious cat wants to know]

[Ufi Auttorri ~ UfoAuthor]

heh! ...typeing in situ ... gotta love it ... "feed" "feet" ... it's all good (or else the gods are smiting me with great jocularity)

[Ufi Auttorri ~ UfoAuthor]

typing... i die

[NoelleRash]

i hate writing descriptions because Im just the writer. I think its the readers job to give it meaning. I have no control really what you take from the story.

I love the irony of the last two comments by the way. lol

[Ufi Auttorri ~ UfoAuthor]

Woo-hoo! I can now add irony to my resume and remove the part about being a good ironer. My dear, you are sparkle in the sea of thought and the world should love you more for it.

[NoelleRash]

Thank you so much :) you are too kind.