"Normal"

I go through my pictures

I see so few happy memories

I just wanted a happy memory that I could look on

None of them were that happy...

I wished my father was nicer

I wished he wasn't an addict

I wished he wasn't abusive

I wanted a normal childhood growing up...

My mother never there

I wished she was there

I wished she wasn't an addict

I wish she didn't walk out on me when I was a babe

I just wanted to be a normal kid

Maybe if I was, I wouldn't be this way

I feel so suicidal

I just wanted to take the gun or maybe my blade

I just wanted it to end

I don't want this anymore

I want to be sane

I don't want to be hurting

I can't stop these tears

Reviews

[Brett Hernan]

Thanks for sharing your inner most thoughts and feelings with the world. It takes bravery to reveal one's self so honestly.

It's important to learn who we are so we can release our hurts and hatreds and heal through understanding and forgiveness, because in the latter, there exists healing for all.

If we embrace hatred and bitterness we simply perpetuate those harms done to us as children when we had too little life experience to comprehend what was being, or not being done to us, (and more often than not, what should have been done for us, but which was not).

Sometimes these inflicted sufferings received as children and all stemming from a lack of love may manifest in ourselves as adults as a questioning causing us to repeat the erroneous behavior witnessed in our parents.

For example, with drugs and drink, these substances may create the illusion, for a time, of the security and peace of the happy home life we always wanted and expected (and were taught by the mass media to expect, as though normal and something that everyone else automatically possessed (which they did not) see 'The Brady Bunch' for just one prime example of fallacious teaching of society for unrealistic expectations!)

'Artificial chemical happiness' may be ingested as part of that subconscious quest to understand what exactly it was about these substances that our parents felt made them superior to reciprocating the love we had to share with them and which went without sufficient reflection,. Often our parents were AWOL on drugs or drink because of the fact these substance offered far reliable, guaranteed return and required less hard work than did the job of nurturing, caring for, feeding and instructing (and thereby earning the trust of) a child who already loved unconditionally from birth (such as is the way of all flesh) and to parents with already depleted stocks of emotional .resources form their own abusive childhoods there could be no sufficient ability to survive the emotionally adverse aspects of paremnting. Children don;t automatically appreciate what's beiing doen for them, they think nothing of sacrifices parents make and as such it;s easy for a parent to fail to see the value in persisting with what appears a thankless, chore filled, wearisome duty of a cyclically repetitive and lonely task (especially considering babies don't talk), made even more difficult when they themselves may only be children and who saw having a child as some dream once long ago when hugging a doll.

In the way people emulate their parents' bad behavior in order to try and answer these questions, there can be no answer received from the experiences, other than to ultimately discover the pursuit of long term drug and alcohol intoxication is far more expensive and deleterious a state than the pleasures they once seemed to promise and the sad discovery that there is no long term pleasure to be gained from long term over use.

As for what's 'normal', there's really no such thing. There's conformity and familiarity with being a part of a certain group of similar minded people, an organisation, a cult, a club, a sporting team, a philosophy, a hobby, service to one's country, a political party or movie star, a dollar bill, a rock band, a gang etc, but, in the abstract, when we peel back the layers of what's the same about us all, there isn't really anything about anyone that's the same enough to be considered 'normal' and it is this that makes each of us the uniquely beautiful being our singularly unique, one off DNA and fingerprints point to us as all being, a singularly unique masterpiece example of humanity and as such, worth vastly more than anything else in the universe, even the universe itself, such as are you and all reading now and forever.

[The Unknown Sith]

Nice. I am digging a grave and this. Good work, now get a shovel.

[Chris Shaw]

Such dark thoughts that need professional help. Deep scars here, I felt the anguish in your lines. Life can certainly deal out some bad cards Nomo.

Chris

[♔ CrownedDevil &#..]

Very personal thoughts, that cuts real deep. Depression is not the ideal thing that anyone should ever have to go through especially alone. But just know you are never alone, there are people that do care about you. All you have to do is take someone’s hand, and they will help you. Pain is temporary, you’re stronger than it. There is a brighter future for you. Be a fighting warrior!

[John the Baptist]

Some memories are hard to handle. Some scars remain raw. PTSD requires counseling. Addiction requires detox and counseling. The individual must seek these, work with them and refuse to surrender to the darkness.

[Chris]

I just saw this one... It's raw and I didn't cry - just recognized my own life in some of the bits and pieces of yours. I don't pity you... I just accept that we both KNOW things that others will never understand. Laters.

[Coyote Poetry]

I lived in 11 foster homes and I had AWOl parent dear Nomo. I was lucky. My dear grandparent tried to take care of me. I learn from bad examples to be a good father.
"I want to be sane
I don't want to be hurting
I can't stop these tears"
The above lines. I understand. I believe we must learn from the mistakes of other. Be better than the ones who left us. Hello from Detroit and I hope you are doing well. Thank you for sharing the amazing and powerful poetry.
Coyote

[wordman]

but you can rise above these feelings of suicide and self worth

[barleygirl]

Having an abusive childhood myself, I've written about this often and I'm here to say this is the best I've seen it written about. This is truly the most heartfelt honesty I've seen pouring forth on this topic. I read about childhood abuse way too often . . . it's still as prevalent now as it was fifty or a hundred years ago . . . it's sad how regularly childhoods are so abusive, it haunts a person for the rest of his/her life.

In your poem, it's obvious this narrator (presumably you) is not casting blame or railing in rage (like I did during my excruciating younger life). Even tho some may read this as a statement of pain, I read it as startling proof of a loving heart (yours). Your compassion for your parents & yourself resonates on every line. Even tho it's still a big b***h to live thru it, at least you still have a well-functioning heart. The suicide-ideation thing . . . don't tell me why, but we abused ones often go thru life wanting to destroy ourselves at every tough turn. At some point we need to make friends with suicide-ideation & not throw it around like some big threat. For me, wanting to kill myself was actually a helping hand that let me be as bold as I needed to be, struggling hard with my issues . . . if I'm a big failure (like I perceived myself to be), I can always kill myself. Thing is, I wasn't a failure & thru this false bravado I got better & better at life. This will happen to you, too, becuz you are very strong & not filled with a roiling oppressive hate. I wish you the best. Keep writing. You're nailing this with the utmost honesty & clarity (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Robert Trakofler]

ah ha, that's where I recognized your name:) I wished I had a normal life too! I can assure you that I never had a normal life oh how jealous I was of my friends that had normal families:/ now I'm older and i had my chance to be normal and have a normal life and I am so grateful i didn't they are generally miserable people those "normal folks" I would rather have my face embroidered on a doily and have a fluffy ribbon for a bowtie than be what the world calls normal "yuck" But I am sorry about your parents don't let them keep you down they sound downright irregular you don't want to be irregular too I think you just have to be you in spite of them maybe you can be magnificently and decidedly not normal but you fantastically you I see some fantastic traits bleeding from your lines I sense a fantastic bit of potential coming from this not normal NOMO I am tired and feeling silly and probably just made no sense but that is the way of the abnormal Bunny nice to see you NOMO