Springtime I

Springtime I

A Chapter by Norah
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“Being born with fear and growing up as a fearful child created a hunch of restraint in me. Not knowing if I was truly born with it or hearing it being told about me made me believe it.”

"

I

 

 

Is it Friday yet? I’m excited, I cannot wait for dad to take us out! As a kid, me and my sisters used to go to an amusement centre that was not very close to the place where I lived. I used to enjoy these road trips. Although they were not so long, they were fun. We used to sing our special ode all along the road. Throughout my childhood, the swing was my favourite plaything. One day, in an amusement centre, I wanted to swing on a swing but the woman in charge told my dad that I might not fit into the seat because I was fat. It did not upset me. Indeed, all I felt was embarrassment and I stopped swinging for a while. Much more, I faced a lot of insecurities and lack of confidence during these years. I could not run or scream in crowded places and I was unable to act like a normal kid. I was not the centre of things, but I felt like all eyes were on me wherever I went. I was full of faults and flaws as I believed. The more I grew, the more I became afraid of being judged or criticized. I was a free child stuck with a fearful mind.

 

I was a blameless kid. I was attached to my mum in a strange and annoying manner. I would imitate her in every way, kiss her all the time, and never stop following her. I know it could sound natural for a kid to be this way, but I was made to feel that it’s a shame that must be hidden. My mum, herself, would sometimes leave home without telling me and I would just wake up panicking. And she knew that not spotting her around used to make me feel lost, scared, and tearful. In that time, those who were around me would just mock me and make me scared. I don’t forget their faces or the things they said. They kept telling me that mum left for good and that she is never coming home. Being unware and younger than them made me believe what they say. I don’t think that my mother knew how to deal with me, but she would’ve done me good if she understood and tried to lessen the feelings of fear I used to get every day. 

My parents were not aware of how children must be raised up or treated and for it I was notably influenced. Even though my mum was close to me, there were things that I couldn’t share with anybody. 

 

At home, I had a good close relationship with my two cousins and sister. We used to play, sometimes together, sometimes against each other. But life was fun with them. I remember the whole story we made up about a queen who made us her servants for some fuzzy reason. And we enjoyed it, didn’t we? I looked forward to weekends just to spend some time with them. At some point, in the middle of all of it, I would stop and feel neglected. At that time, I also knew that I was the one who mainly puts the pressure on herself. I was incapable of dealing with many things. I was called with so many names just because of the way I was. I knew why I did this and that, but they never asked. I was often called “two faced” or “problematic”. Having essential-inner worries made me unclear with my actions. However, I still think they were very wrong in their words and actions with me. It was vile for a child to witness all of that. 

 

My days at secondary school were not special. I wasn’t an excellent student but I loved going to school. I didn’t feel very comfortable, but I knew I had to be there. I was bullied emotionally most of the time. I remember when I used to dress in my P.E. uniform and my classmates would start laughing at me. I never knew why they laughed and I never had the guts to ask why. And yes, I was afflicted. I also remember when we used to sit in groups and one of the girls would tell a joke and we would all laugh. But suddenly, one of them would stop and say “look, the fatty is laughing!” and they would laugh more. I laughed too. It wasn’t funny at all though. I also remember some girls letting their younger siblings hit me with their lunch box or kick me from behind, and then act like it was not meant. I carried on with it and I showed them that it didn’t bother me. But deep inside, it did bother me. I was not able to take an action or tell somebody. The feeling of being hated took control over me. Some of my teachers were not nice to me at all. Some have affected me greatly and I still suffer from it today. I remember I had a teacher who used to tell the girls in my class not to be friends with me, because she thought I was a bad influence. And it started when my school level went lower than before. There were rumours being spread about me that I was ill-behaved and rude. I didn’t even know that I was that bad!

 

All the despise I used to get from people I knew and people I did not, surrounded me with negativity. Maybe it was not despise, but at least that was how I felt it was. 

 

 

 

 

 

 



© 2018 Norah


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Featured Review

i really like this! it is such a beautiful narrative of self-conscious thoughts. a couple things that stand out: the giant "I" at the beginning, which is like saying "chapter 1" but I can't help think that it's also a giant "I" meaning "me," and if so i find it artistically pleasing and well-done because it mirrors the dialogue of this chapter.

i also like how realistically you portrayed thoughts of fear, resentment, confusion, insecurity, etc., but i also noticed that the writing itself is consistently these nice and neat little sentences which makes me wonder that if the narration was messier it would somehow be "bad" (as interpreted by the narrator). so what i mean is that i love how there's so many little things about this chapter that could be read into deeper and deeper, and it really makes me want to! it's absolutely beautiful. i really value the honesty of it too.

thank you for posting this, Norah, and i can't wait till the next chapter!!

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Norah

2 Years Ago

Thanks for your kind review Mondaine!
"I" is for the first part of the chapter lol



Reviews

i really like this! it is such a beautiful narrative of self-conscious thoughts. a couple things that stand out: the giant "I" at the beginning, which is like saying "chapter 1" but I can't help think that it's also a giant "I" meaning "me," and if so i find it artistically pleasing and well-done because it mirrors the dialogue of this chapter.

i also like how realistically you portrayed thoughts of fear, resentment, confusion, insecurity, etc., but i also noticed that the writing itself is consistently these nice and neat little sentences which makes me wonder that if the narration was messier it would somehow be "bad" (as interpreted by the narrator). so what i mean is that i love how there's so many little things about this chapter that could be read into deeper and deeper, and it really makes me want to! it's absolutely beautiful. i really value the honesty of it too.

thank you for posting this, Norah, and i can't wait till the next chapter!!

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Norah

2 Years Ago

Thanks for your kind review Mondaine!
"I" is for the first part of the chapter lol

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Added on October 13, 2017
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Author

Norah
Norah

About
My name is Norah. I'm a very quiet person and I love writing. My writings are random and I'm working on publishing a book. more..

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