Springtime II

Springtime II

A Chapter by Norah

II

My hands feel heavy as I type. It is a hard topic for me to write or at least think about. I still can’t find a word that describes how I feel about him or a word that sums up this relationship. “I don’t know”; he always hated hearing me say it. But still, I don’t know.

 

He approaches me every day with a smile on his face, kissing and hugging me. Trying to express the unconditional love a father has for his daughter. I appreciate that. Although this was a thing that makes me temporarily feel loved, I gradually started finding it meaningless. The more I grew, the more I realized that he was semi present in my daily life. I used to wake up every morning, go to school, come back, have lunch with him and I would mostly be silent. After that, he’d nap and wake up in the evening, have a cup of tea and then leave again. He used to take us out once a week, in the weekend, which later stopped doing when I was 11. He was absent to the point where I started feeling that his presence confuses me.

 

There were times when he sat with me and tried to make a conversation. All I felt when I talked with him is that I was unneeded, unimportant and unwanted. I was a very quiet and shy kid back then, but also I tried to reply with something. I tried to talk. I always felt like he talked to me just for the sake of talking to me, not because he enjoyed talking to me. I would talk, and he would ask me to speak faster. I would say I don’t know and he would get mad. I would talk and he would not actually listen. I would talk and he would not actually mind interrupting me and then act all like I was not even talking. He would not mind ignoring me sometimes. Mostly, I felt like I was plan B to him; or a second-class citizen.

 

He always made me feel useless. He never encouraged me to do anything. I feel like our relationship is more like an everyday routine. I would not lie, I wanted to have a great relationship with him, I tried. But, I recently stopped. I always tried to be good to him and to never disappoint him. He did see that I was good, but he didn’t see me trying to create a bond. At some point, he used me to fill his emptiness. Once he found a different source, I was dumped. Like all the days where we talked and laughed just meant nothing. I was completely taken advantage of. Somewhat, this is how I think it was.

 

Although with years he has changed and I have grown, I still don’t see anything strong enough to break the walls that have been built. I don’t hold any grudge on him. I have only good feelings. But, I’m impaired. I feel lost and that I still don’t know. I think and react yet it is still “I don’t know”.

 

Criticism and lack of acceptance damaged me. I was just being myself but I accidentally learned not to. It is always the little things that touch us indeed. Sadly, I was seemingly gently touched but I wasn’t. A touch is a touch, you know. A flawed beautiful touch and an unpleasant pure touch. Feelings that can break and unite the broken pieces of my heart. I shallowly felt happy when love and concern were addressed directly to me. Feeling alive made me forget that every longing has an ache, and every ache has a story. But not all stories end, and not all stories have an acceptable condition. 



© 2018 Norah


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Featured Review

I read the Prologue and the previous chapter before coming to this. You writing is powerful and insightful, exposing the emotional abuse felt by too many children - and people. It is so easy to undermine a vulnerable person's self-esteem by criticism and disparaging comments; it takes genuine love to build up and affirm the worth of an individual. Judgement and comment relating to physical appearance are especially brutal. The wonderful thing about love is that it transcends the physical and focuses on the spiritual; it bears all things; it brings comfort and self-affirmation.

Your story is a story that needs to be told, a salutary reminder to us all that we need to care for one another in a sadly 'selfie' world.

I don't know if you are familiar with Matthew Arnold's poem, 'Dover Beach'. It was written in the 19th Century when people's traditional scaffolding of faith was being pulled down. Here are the last few lines:

Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.

'Ah love, let us be true to one another'. That is how I feel, what I want. For you and for me.

'Love never fails'.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Norah

1 Year Ago

Thanks for your review and for telling me about this beautiful poem



Reviews

I read the Prologue and the previous chapter before coming to this. You writing is powerful and insightful, exposing the emotional abuse felt by too many children - and people. It is so easy to undermine a vulnerable person's self-esteem by criticism and disparaging comments; it takes genuine love to build up and affirm the worth of an individual. Judgement and comment relating to physical appearance are especially brutal. The wonderful thing about love is that it transcends the physical and focuses on the spiritual; it bears all things; it brings comfort and self-affirmation.

Your story is a story that needs to be told, a salutary reminder to us all that we need to care for one another in a sadly 'selfie' world.

I don't know if you are familiar with Matthew Arnold's poem, 'Dover Beach'. It was written in the 19th Century when people's traditional scaffolding of faith was being pulled down. Here are the last few lines:

Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.

'Ah love, let us be true to one another'. That is how I feel, what I want. For you and for me.

'Love never fails'.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Norah

1 Year Ago

Thanks for your review and for telling me about this beautiful poem
i guess sometimes we just grow apart,sas but true

Posted 2 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on March 25, 2018
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Author

Norah
Norah

About
My name is Norah. I'm a very quiet person and I love writing. My writings are random and I'm working on publishing a book. more..

Writing
Prologue Prologue

A Chapter by Norah


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Springtime III Springtime III

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