A Little Push

This is the revised edition of my previous writing "Just a little squeeze."

A cool mist breeze tickles my face, filling my nostrils with a pleasant coral smell. Large interlocking fingers dig into the smooth crystalized sand beneath my head creating a soft, shape-forming mound. The comforted body-hugging embrace continues down my lengthy body until my toes bury themselves within the wet mush.

         Allowing the fresh air to rush in and fill my expanding lungs relaxes every muscle in my body. Thundering clashes of land and sea create a rhythmic beat so soothing and melodic. Tightly sealed eyes allow me to bask in this moment’s serene comfort, soaking in its full capacity. Waves of clean cold water wash the particles of sand from my toes releasing them from their warm tomb.

         I revoke the lock on my eyes taking in the vast view before me. Clear sheets of life giving liquid race back and forth over flat canvases of loose bountiful grain. Losing their struggle to stay ashore the sheets return to the white foam edges of the land and once again join the dark blue sea that lies beyond the coast. The flat lined horizon stretches from as far east as my eyes can gaze to as far west as my mind can fathom. Above is the fading blue sky majestically transitioning into the dark, light speckled purple of night. Centered directly above is an old reliable friend, the bright glow of an orbiting space rock, bringing with it memories of a childhood past.

         I sit up to better take in my paradise. I wish this were real, that if I wake up, this will be what I find. I don’t know what I’m worried about though. I’ll never wake up. I’ll never leave here. My fingers sink into the sand and grasp a handful of the soft earth; I admire the individual pieces as they slip through the oversized appendages.

         I don’t know how long it’s been, how long I’ve lived here. It must be several months by now, yet still they come. Still, they return, like clockwork, always asking the same questions. “Has he made any progress doctor?”

         “I’m afraid not” has become the mundane response.

         “Is there anything more we can do?” My wife consistently asked despite receiving the same nonchalant answer.

         “No, it’s completely up to him at this point.” 

         It’s comforting to know, actually, that it is up to me. I can stay here as long as I want. They can never force me to leave.

         “I don’t understand, why isn’t he responding?” my wife stands next to my brother, their hands resting on the railing of my hospital bed.

         “I don't know Vivian. Derrick is strong but this is bad. His body has been put through so much. We don’t even know if he’s still in there.” My brother was always good at keeping a level head.

         “But the doctors say he has brain activity, he’s not a vegetable.” Tears begin to leak down her grief-ridden face. Oh Vivian, I love you but I can’t wake up. I can’t live the life you’re asking me to. I wish you could hear me. I wish I could tell you that everything is all right, to go live your life and take care of Mel, raise her right.

         “Come on now, we can’t trust those flimsy medical machines. And say he is in there, let’s say, for a moment, that he can hear us right now.” Where is my brother going with this? “If you were him, would you want to wake up? Look at the life he will have to live now.”

“He has a family! He needs to think about us, he can’t be so selfish.” Her tears turn to anger.

         “Who’s being the selfish one here? For crying out loud Vivian, the man has no legs!” Realizing his voice is too loud now he lowers it. “Look, I know it’s hard for you but you need to think about what’s best for him. Even if he does come back, what do the doctors keep telling us? He’ll not have any of his motor skills; he’ll have to learn to do everything again, and with no legs at that.”

         My brother is right. How can I hope to live even a semblance of my old life. There is no way.

I don’t know what was said next. I returned to my new home. There are no hard decisions to make here. The cool breeze calms my nerves and I am able to relax again. Memories of the accident begin creeping their way into my thoughts.

         I stare at the clock located in the bottom left corner of my rearview mirror and it reads 12:36pm. I’m late getting back to work. I lost track of time eating lunch and now I have to speed back to the office hoping I still manage to make it back in time for the monthly employee sexual harassment seminar. If I miss it, they’ll make me take the course on my own time. I return my eyes to the road noting the few cars travelling along side me. Traffic is busy but not congested and I’m making great time.

         'Severin Dr.' clearly reads across the reflective green sign overhead. That means only two exits to go. I check both my rearview and side view mirrors for oncoming vehicles and see none. I switch my right side blinker on and slightly turning my steering wheel I begin to merge when a speeding Dodge Nitro comes racing towards me from my right side. I swerve in an attempt to avoid the car but its speed is too great.

The thunderous collision shakes my body to its core causing me to lose grip of the steering wheel. The black dodge hit the front right side of my Nissan Altima sending me spinning uncontrollably into other lanes of traffic. The car is spinning so fast all I see is a blur of bland metallic colors until a sudden stop sends my already aching body clashing against the fabric harness meant to save my life.

My head rests on the steering wheel, hot red liquid drips down my face. The nauseous odor of burnt rubber, spilled gasoline and bent metal fill my bleeding nostrils. Ringing ears pick up only the sound of clicking from an airbag failing to deploy. I’m broken but I’m alive. I attempt to lift my head just in time to hear the screeching of wheels and a large semi trailer rushing towards my location.

That’s the last thing I remember before waking up here. The memory is still vivid and makes me shudder. I hate that day, I hate everything that happened, I hate knowing that if I had just paid closer attention to the clock I would still be living a normal life with my legs still intact and my body unbroken. A small wave reaches my feet cooling my toes and removing me from the memory.

I’ve listened to Vivian explaining how the driver of the speeding Nitro came out almost unharmed while two others were put into critical condition. According to her, there was also a fatality. I wish it had been me. Why couldn’t I have been the one to die. It would have been easier.

“Has he made any progress doctor?”

She’s back, time for the same old mind numbing dialogue.

“I’m afrai . . .oh who is this you have with you?”

What? Is there somebody with her? Who is it?

“Dr. Vanderstein, this is my daughter Melanie. Melanie, say hi to the doctor.”

No. She didn’t. She promised that she wouldn’t allow Mel to see me like this. What is she thinking. I want to yell at her, I want to scream. Get her away. Don’t bring her here.

“Aw, it’s okay, you don’t have to say anything.”

“I’m sorry doctor, she’s not usually so shy. This is the first time she’s going to see her daddy since the accident. She’s a little scared.”

         The doctors voice is adding fuel to the fire, why is he so talkative now. “That’s completely normal. Please enjoy your visit and don’t be afraid to let me know if you need anything.”

         “Thank you doctor, I appreciate that.” I can hear Melanie moan in discomfort. “Come on now sweetie, It’s okay. Daddy’s here, don’t you want to see daddy?”

         “Is he still alive?”

         “Yes baby, of course he is. Here come look.”

         Get her away from me. I can’t stand it. I don’t want to see her. Why are you doing this.

She lifts Melanie’s tiny body up to peer over the side railing. “Can he hear us?” Melanie’s sweet voice warms my heart. I can hear you baby. I can hear you.

“Maybe. Just tell him what you want to say. I’m sure he’ll hear it someway.” Vivian’s voice is so gentle with Melanie. It makes me miss dinner at home, just the three of us together, as a family.

“Daddy, I miss you.” I miss you too baby. “I want you to come home okay daddy. I want you to get better and come home and we can hide and seek and I promise not to hide so good this time.”

Oh baby, I miss you so much. But daddy can’t come home okay. Daddy has to stay here. I love you so much Mel, you know I do but I can’t, I can’t come home. It’s too hard.

“Sometimes I cry a lot because I miss you. I want you to come home daddy please. Please daddy, please, comes home.” Tears pour from her eyes and her face turns red. “Daddy please!” she screams as she throws herself over my lifeless body.

I can feel her sobbing convulsions reverberate in my chest. Tears begin to swell in my eyes. How can I go home? How can I face the reality of disability and deformity? I can’t do it. It’s not possible.

Thundering clashes of land and sea create a melodic rhythm in my head. Moist sand fills the crevices between my toes and gives way to the pressure of my heels. The ocean breeze brushes the long unmanaged hair across my face. The sweet coral sent of my oceanic paradise fills my nostrils one last time. Goodbye old friend, I’m going to miss you. I raise my foot from the sand and realizing these will be the last steps I ever take, I begin moving forward, ready to be with my family again. 

Author's Note

This is a revised edition to my previous writing "Just a Little Squeeze." If you've read it please let me know where you think improvements were made and where you think unnecessary changes occurred. As always I appreciate any and all feedback.

Reviews

[Will Neill]

Justin ( I got it right)-this is much better your discriptions are very vivid if not a little over board, maybe tone them down a tad, again with the dialogue try breaking it up a bit and use italics to determine your charcter, maybe break it up a bit into paragraths more, try reading the speech out loud to see if sounds natural (what people would really say) I know my own stuff is far from perfect and I hope you understand that I only mean to help. Above all keep writing.
Will

[NotNobody]

I'm glad you think it was a step in the right direction. I understand completely your intents of helping and I take no offense or have any ill will towards your critiques. In fact I appreciate them a great deal. I will continue to work on this piece until I am satisfied with it. For now I'm glad just to be able to put this up here and get feedback. Thank you Wil.