FIRST MAN

This is about the first man I love.

The first man I admire
The first man I hug
The first man I kiss
The first man who made me smile and cry

You being away is a normal thing to deal with, your line of work always requires you to be somewhere else and it doesn't bother me because, at the end of the day, you're the man I dearly love. When I was a kid, I always looked up to you, amazed that you got many friends, and admired your happy and funny personality. You're the sweetest father, whenever you came back from work, I always cling to you or tag along wherever you go.

But my teenage years took a big turn, I learned a lot, seen a lot, and realized a lot, our relationship got strange, it's like there's sudden huge wall appeared between us. Maybe because you've changed. A lot. I hardly recognized you and there's a time I hated you to the point that I want you to be anywhere but here.

I wish you were dead.

I'm a terrible person to even think that but I can't help it, I don't see you as a person who is as important as the person I visualize on my mind, my father- before he becomes unrecognizable. Years had passed being in a suffocating household with all those fightings, screaming, crying, and hurting exhaust me that staying out late is my only option to escape.

But one day, You suddenly change or more as you returned to normal, your old self, the father I dearly love. You suddenly decided to go back to your home town to visit your relatives you haven't seen in decades and some sole purpose that requires your presence to be there. At first, we are against it because we knew that you were sick but you insisted so we have no choice but to agree. I even joked to tell the people you will meet there that I am your greatest creation as I handed back your phone with my picture as wallpaper. You laughed at me and patted my head. "I'll just fix something and gonna come back," you said as you boarded the ship.

We communicate regularly for the past months. We laugh, joke, tell each other random kinds of stuff, and update each other's lives. I miss you, that's what all I knew, I miss having you around and I promise myself that when you get back, I'll be a good daughter and make you proud.

But you didn't come back, you never did and you never will.

It was a stormy afternoon, the heavy rains and the flood makes everyone busy at home. One phone call made us stop everything we're doing and cried our hearts out, you're gone. You left us. We lost you. You passed away so suddenly that it's hard to accept. I hide under the blanket and cried.

My heart tightened, it's hard to breathe.

I can't accept it, no one was prepared for that, it happened so fast, you suddenly slipped away without a warning or a sign. We lost you.

I have tons of regrets in my life, a lot of what-ifs, what could have been and what should it be if you were still alive. Sometimes, I ended up smiling sadly when my friends or random people are with their Fathers. I can't help but think that it could be us, I could at least treat you with the money I earn, I could buy you gifts on different occasions, I can flex that I have the best father in the world, I could bring you to some wonderful places I know. All those thoughts are came flashing in my mind including our memories together.

I wish I could share my achievements with you, the time I graduated from college, the time I got my first job, I wish I could introduce you to someone who will take my hand someday, to my future kids. I wish you met your grandchildren- Klyden, Reyjen, Errhyienn, Amethyst, Clifford, Kaur, Rob, Zoey and see for yourself how they turned into nice, sweet, good-looking, and fine adults. My siblings and I barely talked about you because we knew we will end up sharing our regrets, apologies, and sadness but what I am sure of is we all miss you, we will always love you. We may not be the best children but you were a great father, it's just sad that you will not be able to hear that.

I don't want to forget, I don't want to forget how you look like, how you laugh, how you get mad, how you smile, how you hug me tight, how you cheer me on, the taste of the foods you cooked- you're a great cook by the way. I want to remember it all, I engraved those memories on my mind because that's the only thing you left, that's the proof that you exist.

It's been seven years but, I still miss you. I always remember you. Even in death, you never stop loving someone, they may be physically gone, but everything remains in our hearts and minds. No one can replace you in our hearts. In your stead, I will love the people you left behind and embrace my life that you contributed a lot. It's not much but I hope it can at least make up for all the disappointments and sadness I put you through. I love you, Pa. Always and forever.

*****

In memories of Themmy Zapanta Ramos
September 19, 2014