遺事が風化した (Memories ~of you~ Fade to Dust)

Bilingual Senryu

Iji ga Fuukashita

Shinobinaki
Oujibyoubou no
Ushirokage





Memories (of you) Fade to Dust

Distant Muffled Sobs
Fading in Fleeting Echoes
of Shadowed Memory

Author's Note

Been a while since I posted a bilingual senryu, so here is one!
On the Japanese side, it should be noted that the morae don't technically match up to the proper counts; but I wanted to use the word (and since some of the morae are used to just stretch sounds, I took artistic liberty on this one. After all, even the masters of haiku would sometimes not count the stretched sounds)

Realize that the Translation is NOT accurate, but it carries the same feeling
A technical Translation would be...
Reminiscence Weathered

Subdued Isolated Sobbing
Memories are an iota in the vast void (the idea that so many new memories are made that we forget those in the past. This line is archaic!)
of Retreating Silhouettes

Reviews

[Stonz P.]

This is just good. And why did you say the last line is archaic? I think it's just what needed to be written..
Our painful experiences echo (however recalled) to us in our distant memories.. This is perfect to me.
But then, how much do I know..

P.S.: I've attempted a few Haikus.
They're on my second page. Do check out and let me know what I can do. I want to write better Haikus (though, non-traditional is what I am able to write right now).

[Nusquam Esse]

The middle line is archaic in its original Japanese; Oujibyoubou is an old idiomatic adjective which faded from common use in the 1800s. The conjugations that it uses are extremely uncommon, and have almost completely died out since WW2. I personally love older Japanese, so I used it anyway. :) But yeah, I love the way that the second line modifies (it is an adjective after all) the following line to create such a vivid image. I will take a look at those haiku now (critiquing poetry takes less brain power than stories). A note, Japanese does not have plural forms for words, so haiku is haiku regardless of if there is one, or many. Just like the word Moose.. :P

[Stonz P.]

Ohh, of course, I could not have known that. Thanks for the info.

Hahh, that was so stupid of me, I should have looked that up when I started on them!! Thanks for correcting me. I will keep that in mind.

[Alisa Js]

Aloha,

Thank you for your comment on my work. I look forward to reading more of your thoughts.

This one is exquisite...beautifully written, pregnant with poignant emotions in every carefully selected word.

I have written some Senryu's as well, if you care to take a look.

Thank you for sharing your talent with us out here.. . I will return.

Alisa

[Einstein Noodle]

thank the Lord when my sobs have faded :{ i actually like the technical translation better .. of course it doesnt fit the rules .. but neither do i :))

"Memories are an iota in the vast void" gives me a dramatic sense of how small memories that plague us are, in our untapped voids ;)

E.

[Nusquam Esse]

I wrote the poem originally in Japanese, and even the technical translation does not give it justice. That middle line... it is just a beautiful idea... the first half (往事) means something that we need to revisit, those memories that we reminisce about; it has a certain longing distance to it already, like trying to remember the cherry blossoms that day you met your first love. The second half (渺茫) is a compound of a speck, more insignificant than a piece of dust, drifting across a vast plane of infinite emptiness; it is like an extreme version of a needle in a haystack, but it carries a strong feeling of isolation and darkness. Combined together, it makes an idiomatic phrase which describes how our most cherished memories seem like dust in a void that we can never find or remember. It is a very overwhelming image... Unfortunately this phrase is very old, and you are unlikely to find it in any Japanese literature written in the last 200 years; even the conjugations it uses as an adjective (yes it is an idiomatic adjective, meant to modify another word; you can imagine just how loosely these terms can be interpreted) is almost completely extinct in modern Japanese. Anyway, I ended up combining this concept directly to modify the final line, which is the image of a person who is standing in front of something so bright that all you can see is their silhouette, and it is fleeing/fading away from you--something that you may chase after, but which you will probably never catch. So imagine those two concepts all in a single description... 0_o As for the first line, it doesn't directly connect, it is just sorta chilling there, setting a general mood of withdrawn tears. It has the image of a person crying alone, trying to not let anyone hear them.

[Einstein Noodle]

that's a mouthful .. marvelous language! :)

[Nusquam Esse]

Well... it can be... Japanese has some beautiful concepts in it... but also its painfully retarded stuff as well. Modern Japanese is a mess, ever since MacArthur castrated the language after WW2, and the government started regulating it (some Orwellian s**t there), Japanese has lost a lot of it's complexity and beauty. Coupled with the simplistic thought process which many modern Japanese people have... well, I am not often impressed with most spoken Japanese. I love reading anything pre-war; but after that... stuff becomes more about "Do I like the story" than "Do I think their words are beautiful".

[Einstein Noodle]

i like your focus .. keep up the good fight :)

[Rene Salinas]

Man my head is so ful of useless stuff it was virtually impossible for me to read this and not think of Zen. Where the idea or message if one wants gets presented in slight variations each variations becomes a different perpective at times so powerfull they might as well stand by themselves. This is one in particular the relationship to time and memorie as in imprint of life. The aspect of transcendence in it as well.

Thankyou.

[Nusquam Esse]

Glad you picked up on that Rene... it is like.. those memories that we cherish, they seem to always be running away from us, stifled under the myriad of trivial worries and concerns.

[Frieda P]

First off I don't think that line is archaic, you're a fussy dragon. I can relate, this one lingers and makes me prisoner to those silhouettes. Love how the Japanese side looks, of course I haven't a clue if you wrote go jump in a lake or you're telling the truth. ;)

[Nusquam Esse]

Hah, the English translation isn't archaic... the middle line, in Japanese is... it is old enough that the proper conjugation for it is so uncommon that it is almost unheard of in modern Japanese; many native speakers who have not studied classical literature would have no idea how to use it... :P And I am telling enough of the truth... ;) If I wanted to be a d****e, I would just write a senryu which said "Shinjimae - Yarou, Kutabare - Kusottare..." Which while technically following the syllable counts necessary for a Senryu, it just incoherent vulgarity... (Just f*****g Die Already, worthless b*****d, you should just drop dead, f*****g s**t-drip...) LOL

[Frieda P]

LMAO I wouldn't put it past you....you're not only talented, but wickedly clever haha

[Nusquam Esse]

hmmm... wickedly clever huh? Hopefully that is a good thing... in one way or another. Of course a Senryu like that wouldn't be considered clever; but more something that a Yakuza (Mafioso) might be yelling at someone while he is trying to collect money. And it would most certainly be banned from television. Shinjimae and Kutabare = some of the worst words you can say to someone in Japanese. (so of course I would say them all the time... mostly as replacements for 'please' and 'thank you', oh... and 'pardon me'. I'm a foreigner after all, it only makes sense that I would get Sumimasen (excuse me) mixed up with Shinjimae... they both go like.. some of the same sounds?