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Hello, dear.

Hello, dear.

A Poem by October
"

I wish I could let her read it.

"

 

M outhing words inside my brain. Sweat drips down my forehead in dread. I’m such a
            mistake. Could you take it all away? But even if you can’t…
E yes the size of golf balls. What did I do to deserve your adoration? I didn’t know I was
            capable of such a thing.
L istening to your voice is a certain pleasure that I can’t describe. I can’t describe that
            comfort you provide.
I watch you. You above all the crowd. You are the beauty in an ugly world.
 
S ilence over takes me. There’s no words for the thoughts, so overwhelming.
 
S cenes passing. Time running across my fingers, but I can’t feel it. I can’t feel anything             
            but these words. And I doubt anything else exists.
A sking you to be mine would be a selfish request, but I find I’m a little more selfish than
            would have hoped… Will you be my girlfriend?

© 2008 October


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Featured Review

This is a terrific, sweetly done Acrostic, my favorite lines would be;

"I'm such a
mistake. Could you take it all away? But even if you can't�"

AND

"Time running across my fingers, but I can't feel it. I can't feel anything
but these words. And I doubt anything else exists."

The tone of the piece is humble but not subservient, loving but not trite. If I could offer any advice I might want to see an equally terrific ending as opposed to;

"A sking you to be mine would be a selfish request, but I find I'm a little more selfish than
would have hoped� Will you be my girlfriend?"

I think perhaps you've left out a word? "than " I " would have hoped..." Also the question could be a bit more elegantly phrased yet match the humble tone? Such as;

"Will you be my Melissa?"

Just a thought.

Satine

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Great opening line, Ms. October ... "Hello, dear" is a sweet playful poem
full of charm & yearning. I love the E, L & I verses especially ..
Thanks for sharing!
GBU

Posted 9 Years Ago


How sweet of a poem.
I truely never liked these types, but you've made me see that it can work out, when turned about by the correct arrangements of words.
Great poem.

--vk

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This is a terrific, sweetly done Acrostic, my favorite lines would be;

"I'm such a
mistake. Could you take it all away? But even if you can't�"

AND

"Time running across my fingers, but I can't feel it. I can't feel anything
but these words. And I doubt anything else exists."

The tone of the piece is humble but not subservient, loving but not trite. If I could offer any advice I might want to see an equally terrific ending as opposed to;

"A sking you to be mine would be a selfish request, but I find I'm a little more selfish than
would have hoped� Will you be my girlfriend?"

I think perhaps you've left out a word? "than " I " would have hoped..." Also the question could be a bit more elegantly phrased yet match the humble tone? Such as;

"Will you be my Melissa?"

Just a thought.

Satine

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on August 10, 2008

Author

October
October

Decatur, AL



About
Quiet. Disturbed. Insane. more..

Writing
You woke up. You woke up.

A Poem by October