Peace be with me

Peace be with me

A Poem by OhSnapShley

Very anxious, trying to escape

Peace be with me as I cry, 
letting out a little anger with every sigh, 
will the knot in my stomach
ever untie?
or will it remain in knots until the day that I die?

Peace be with me as I scream,
trying to get ride of this 
gut wrenching feeling, 
to most it'd probably be easy, 
Oh peace please be with me.

© 2019 OhSnapShley

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a very emotional read, nicely written

Posted 1 Year Ago

It started out well - very well even! Saying "in knots" in some way undermines the "knot" mentioned in the previous line, but it also works in its own right, so I'm give that a tick.

The second stanza though seems anticlimactic as it doesn't follow the same flow as the first, and in a poem this short, it's kind of odd to make that shift in flow while also being a bit sloppy in the ending. The message is great, and it gets across well, but the craft of the second stanza to get it across just doesn't have the same power as the first.

Hope I wasn't too harsh or bold in my comments (just trying to help you improve). For this is amazing in essence. It simply needs to be tweaked a bit to reach perfection.

Posted 2 Years Ago

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2 Reviews
Added on July 17, 2019
Last Updated on July 17, 2019
Tags: anxiety, fear, love, peace, happiness, truth




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