The Bible Was Wrong!

The Bible Was Wrong!

A Story by Rose Downing

This is the REAL bible! We arrogant ignorant humans mistook everything to think it was about us AND IT WASN'T!

The Bible Was Wrong

    Many animals lived in the garden of paradise, and ye Zonze did love them all, for Zonze  looked upon his mighty creations and found them to be good.
"These creatures are well loved and blessed are they," said She. "I shall show my love for these creatures by giving them the most perfect gift.," And low the lord Zonze did reach into the heavens and grabbed a handful of stars. He reached into the earth and grabbed a handful of fire. Ye Zonze did mix these together with mud and Lo he did make form. The Goddess Zonze did split the 2 in twine to make male and female and lo there were the first 2 cats! Zonze looked upon them and lo he spake, "This is all for you! Do whatever tho wilt, save one rule. Do not eat of the catnip bush. If ye can obey ye shall live forever."
"We heed and obey," spake the cats.
"I shall give unto thee names," Spakith Lord Zonze, "Unto the male I bequeath thy name to be Whiskers, and ya Whiskers shall be thy name. Unto the female I bequeath thy name to be Fifi, and Fifi shall be thy name!"
The cats praised lord Zonze upon high. Zonze saw their praises and was well pleased. Zonze spake once more.
"Forever is a long time, you know. The 2 of you will have to get along now.
"Oh we'll get along," spake Whiskers, "For I shall always have the first say.
Fifi purred as she spake, "And I'll always have the last say."
And lo Zonze did scratch them both behind their ears before returning to heaven. There was light and there was darkness and that was the seventh day.
    Much time had passed and out ancestors and taken of all of the splendors in the garden of paradise save the forbidden catnip. They ate of the rodents of the land, and it was good. They drank of the sweet water, and it was good. They ate of the fish from the sweet waters, and it was good.They ate of the creatures of the sky, and it was good. They ate of the grass of the fields and it made them vomit. Their days were passed by playing by playing, eating and looking for sunspots to nap in. And lo as Fifi was about to ham in a sunny spot near the catnip bush, Bowzel did take the form of a fly, and lo unto Fifi, Bowzel did speak, "Why is your God so unfair? Why must he forbid that which you would surly love?"
"But I love everything," spakeith Fifi, "I have no need for more."
"Ah, but you do!" the devil did say, "For if you have the love of a Goddess, you will be like a God! That is why she fears you eating form her catnip bush."
Fifi did contemplate for some time and lo, feline curiosity did take hold. She putith her nose to it and lo she found it to be stinky but in a good way! Ya Fifi was tempted further by the smell causing her to place her teeth upon it and ya she found it to be sticky-icky to the touch! She then took a bite and verily I say unto thee she did find it to be the diggady-dank! Lo I say unto the she did not vomit! Nae I say unto thee, but a purr so intence in body and spirit did sweep over Fifi where she stood. Fifi then sat and declared "That's with it daddy-o!" Fifi then became so affectionate that she wished for her husband, and lo Whiskers did appear in a puff of sparkles. Whiskers became startled, ya he spoke, "Wife! Why did magick bring me here?" Fifi batted at some sparkles and ya she did declare, "Cuse I'm a cool cat & I'm gonna hip you to the the business, dig?"
In befuddled confusion, Whiskers asked, "Word?"
Fifi replied, "Now this bush we got over here is strictly top shelf."
Whiskers stood firm and declared,  "But we may not eat of this plan, so saith the Lord!"
In a purr of delight, Fifi rolled onto her back as she spoke, "Yeah, well, the Lord so saith a lot of things."
    Whiskers was tempted, and ya he did partake, and ya soon he was consumed by a loving spirit! With uproarious purr, Whiskers did declare "Wow... ya know?... God, and like, His whole... wow.... ya know?..... Wow. Hay! You know what we should like totally do? We should totally make someone to like, scratch our ears for us & stuff! "
Fifi leaped up in excitement, and verily did agree, "We'll lay that track down solid, dad, ya dig?!"
"Totally! came the delited reply of Whiskers, "And we could, like, make them all shaped like Zonze & stuff!"
And ya did Fifi reply, "Top shelf! We'll crank out a daddy-o & his 'ol lady!"
"Phat!" Whiskers hath replied, and thus the first 2 humans did appear from magickal sparkley poofs! Ya did our ancestors get their ears scratched, and nae it did not stop there! Verily I say unto9 thee, bellies, buttes and backs were scratched, rubbed and loved! Ya this did continue as the human mistake did exclame, "Pretty kitty! Good kitty! Yes you are! Who's a good pretty kitty-witty! You are! Yes you are! Yes your a good pretty kitty-witty!"
Our ancestors did lay upon the laps of the humans and lo they did purr! This did continue for some time until, lo our Lord and master, Zonze did return, and with him a terrible judgment! For Zonze looked upon the humans and lo, in a thundering voice he did speak, "Why hath tho made apes whom are mostly bald?!"
Whiskers and Fifi, spat, hissed, arched their backs and ya they did hide! Hark, the Goddess did speak again, "That hardly answers my question! Get your collective asses out here NOW!!...... 1 ........ 2..."
Yae, I say unto thee our ancestors did present themselves before our god did reach 3. Ya their heads were low for they were full of shame. Hark our Goddess did speakith with his hands on her hips and a stop of her foot, "Explain yourselves!"
With his voice a quiver and eyes to the ground Whiskers spake, "Well I didn't want to but she made me do it!"
Oh I didn't make you do it!"
"Did too!"
"Did not!"
Our Goddess spake, "Just tell me why you made them!"
With a hushed shyness, Fifi did remark, "Cuse we wanted someone to pet us when you were gone & stuff."
"Okay," Our Goddess did retort, "And how did you discover the magick that made them?"
In a voice sad beyond compare, Whiskers did speak, "Fifi ate some catnip and then she tricked me into," Fifi with anger did interrupt, "I didn't trick you!!, you jerk!"
Hark, our God addressed Fifi, and did ask, "Why did you eat it?"
With a tear in her eye, Fiufi said,
"A talking fly come and said some stuff, and he made a lot of sense! I can't really remember what he said now, but it was something about being loved & stuff and how
"SILENCE!" Zonze did shout, "You two are SO GROUNDED!" From now on, you no longer live forever!"
"Awww!" our feline ancestors did protest, "But, Zonze!" they did protest, and low Zonze did snap,
"But nothing! And furthermore, you'll depend on these mutated apes or your lives will be short! Fifi, you were the first to partake of the bush, therefore every time you have sex it will hurt! Whiskers, you'll always want Fifi to enjoy it, but you'll have to bite her neck and hold her down to make her do it! The both of you will vomit big chunks of your own hair from this day forward! And in light of the fact that the fly made you do this, your kittens will bat and swat at them!" Zonze did take pause and lo Zonze mood did calm. "Now I did notice that you made these creatures in my relative shape so I shale grant thee a break. Ye may not perform magick any longer, tho ye may still see magick."
Our ancestors did cry and vowed to treat the human mistake with indifference most of the time. Zonze did look upon the humans and lo she did speak, "You may eat of anything from this garden of paradise and ye shall live forever, however do not eat of the tree of knowledge. These cats have vowed to be indifferent twords  humans most of the time. Ya Zonze did look upon the humans and lo Zonze did say, "I'm sorry to see that these cats will ignore you, so you may make one creature as your friend," and soon came the first 2 dogs. The dogs and cats did grow jealous of each other, and ya they did fight.
  Finished with His work, Zonze did ascend her tree into heaven, and lo upon Her way she did fling His feces at the whole group and eat of a heavenly banana once She did arrive at the top.
The End

© 2011 Rose Downing

Author's Note

Rose Downing
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Added on November 8, 2010
Last Updated on January 18, 2011
Tags: cats, bible, god, humor, funny, cat nip, good, evil, sex, death


Rose Downing
Rose Downing

The Road, OR

I've been traveling all my life throughout the pacific north west. I grew up mainly in cities, country ranches, country bars, cemeteries, and the burbs. I'm also fun at parties. I've won 1st place in .. more..