My friend, Santa

My friend, Santa

A Poem by Omikron
"

A poem that I submitted to the December Poetry contest!

"
My friend, Santa

If my eyes could shine as bright as a star,
Would I become one, someday?
I hope that my shine could reach out far,
So that Santa would come with his sleigh.

Mother says that he don't exist,
That he's a man of fiction.
I believe that she hasn't yet been kissed,
By the sweet, Christmas addiction.

Santa is my best friend,
And he reads my every note.
While to mother, for each note I send
She shoves them down her throat.

Santa, if you hear me, can you grant me a wish?
It's not a doll or a puppy or toy.
I wish that mother could simply perish,
So that I could live in joy.

© 2016 Omikron


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I might have liked this more without the word perish in it. Valentine

Posted 4 Years Ago


Omikron

4 Years Ago

Do you have any suggestions of a more suitable word?

Thanks for reading!

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I love the twist ending. :)
It made me laugh.
Great poem overall. Nice job.
You captured child like innocence and a bit of dark humour.

Posted 4 Years Ago


Omikron

4 Years Ago

Thanks for reading!

// O
Gotta love moms.
I saw one today tell her kid who was screaming the 'I want' song at the top of his lungs, that Santa needed the toys on the shelf he was after,"...for the wee black babies in Africa..."
My eyes went out on stalks !!

yeah gotta love moms.
My own told me that when the ice cream van was playing music, that meant that he had ran out of ice-cream !!"

yeah gotta love moms lol


Posted 4 Years Ago


Omikron

4 Years Ago

Moms are great!

Thanks for reading :) // O
Great turn! You set me up nicely. I like how the first stanza has a sweet innocent sentimentality. The second stanza is cute and childish. The third stanza catches you a little off guard with the imagery, making you question what is reallly going on, and then the final stanza gets you excited to hear what the author really wants for Christmas and then BAM! the turn. Well done. At first I was not impressed with the rhyme scheme but on the second reading I came to appreciate how it lends an innocent grade school feel to the piece.
For constructive criticism, I would reconsider the word 'don't' in the first line of the second stanza. It caused me to stop reading and question why the speaker suddenly stopped speaking grammatically. If this word has an intended meaning (perhaps to tell something about the speaker) it should be supported elsewhere in the poem. Also, it feels like the last sentence of the fourth stanza is written awkwardly just to force the rhyme scheme.
Once again, nice job! I really enjoyed reading this.

Posted 4 Years Ago


Omikron

4 Years Ago

Thank you for a splendid review and very good criticism and helping me grow as a writer!
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4 Reviews
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Added on December 12, 2016
Last Updated on December 12, 2016
Tags: Christmas, Calendar, Text, Poem, Collection, Indie, Society, Critisism, Capitalism, Christ, Religion, Snow, Decmember, 25, Day, Days, Night, Star, Fresh

Author

Omikron
Omikron

Sweden



About
Black and white, white and black In simplicity is also diversity And complex infinity You are ugly, you are silenced Because the world Cannot understand your divinity ------ Darkness dresses .. more..

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