Vodka Venom

Not satisfied with this one, suggestions of improvement please! Oh, and happy new year!

Dare I close my eyes

And see what lies underneath?

Then risk the chance of becoming a witness

Of the dark and untold horrors

That linger at the back of my head?

Dare I breathe another breath?

Breathe the infectious emissions

Of wasted innocence and unclothed souls

The thick layer of guilt and disgust

That lies above the heads

Of people in cheerful dance
To the deafening beats of their hearts

The joyful sentiment of this room

Strikes at me with a blow

Similar to that of vodka and gin

A silent and translucent bandit

When midnight falls, no one shall be sober

The venom that rolls on many tongues this evening

Is the only bitterness allowed

Dare I close my eyes

To capture this moment

And store it in my memory forever?

Dare I poison my pride
And wear the perfume created by this mischief

And the fumes of the vodka?

I do not dare to realize That with the vodka as my only company With the silent and translucent bandit Being the only one to touch my lips

That I am doomed to die alone in this room.

Reviews

[Lotus Flower]

I got so lost and entranced in this! " Dare I poison my pride" *sigh* such boldness I adore it!

[Valentine]

Hope not, being locked up with a bottle for company sounds awfully lonely to me. Valentine

[BBP]

The first stanza was my favorite.

Dare I close my eyes
And see what lies underneath?
Then risk the chance of becoming a witness
Of the dark and untold horrors
That linger at the back of my head?

The Vodka gets me everytime! ;) lol

[Emily]

Wow! I really liked the first stanza!!
Keep on writing!

[Emily]

Great descriptions and imagery! I love how the line "with the silent and translucent bandit" is subtle, yet hits with a punch. I interpret it being the vodka. It's like you stated it in a non-direct way, which made it feel even more powerful as I read it! Great piece.

[Omikron]

Thank you for reading and leaving a comment, means alot!

// O

[Jimmy Yetts]

A chilling piece.
Eloquently conveyed; wouldn't change a word.
Hits hard!
Happy 2017 to you, O!

[Omikron]

Thank you very much for the nice review! Happy new year Jimmy!

// O

[Bear]

Critique: The redundant use of Dare I in the first three lines restrains the flow, If I may be so bold as to offer some rewording suggestions:

Dare I close my eyes?
And see what lies underneath?
Then risk the chance of becoming a witness
Of the dark and untold horrors
That linger at the back of my mind?

Dare I breathe another breath
Breathe the infectious emissions
Of wasted innocence and unclothed souls
The thick layer of guilt and disgust
That lingers above the heads
Of people in cheerful dance
To the deafening beats of their hearts

The joyful sentiment of this room
Strikes at me with a blow
Similar to that of vodka and gin
A silent and translucent bandit
When midnight falls, no one shall be sober
The venom that rolls on many tongues this evening
Is the only bitterness allowed

Dare I close my eyes
To capture this moment
And store it in my memory forever
Shall it poison my pride
To wear the perfume created by this mischief
And the fumes of the vodka

I do not dare to realize
That with the vodka as my only company
With the silent and translucent bandit
Being the only one to touch my lips

That I am doomed to die alone in this room

Worded this way it reads smoother with good flow and adds a dramatic feel. You have some very powerful lines that adds to the wisdom of your words. Standing Ovation! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!

[Omikron]

I like this edit, I guess I thought that adding dare twice in consecutive sentences would somehow bring a more poetic and melodic feeling to the poem, however, I do agree with you that it is a bit distracting. Thank you for the review!

// O

[...]

For me, there's so much anxiety and pressure that comes with New Year's Eve and the start of the new year. It's a bit depressing. I liked the poem. Might add an s to linger in stanza 2 line 5 but otherwise it's pretty tight.

[Omikron]

Thanks for reviewing! The anxiety was exactly what I tried to capture. Will definitely add an s, I think it reads much better, thanks !

// O