The Poor King 2,100

The Poor King 2,100

A Story by OscarRat
"

The owner of a kingdom in Dire Straits has a money problem.

"
King Edwina inherited a kingdom in Dire Straits; literally at the northeastern corner of Dire Straits. His kingdom was along the south side of the Alphangon River. At one end of the narrow but deep stream he could see, from his castle window, the Phike Sea. If he stretched way out, gripping a stone window-ledge, he could just make out Lake Allosa.

The kingdom of Elwind encompassed only a little over twenty square-miles along the riverbank, extending ten-miles inland. It was a total of two-hundred square-miles. Not a very large kingdom as kingdoms went. 

The coast on his side of the river was rocky with high cliffs, while the other side consisted of a nice beach. His land was rich, maybe too rich since it was rich in salt. All things considered, his family wasn't very wealthy. Neither were his hundred or so subjects.

At one time, the kingdom of Elwind had enclosed both sides of the river and been hundreds of miles deep on either side. But that was long ago and before his gambling grandfather, Grappha, had lost the land while playing four-square-pipnuckle in a casino in Popsville.

The winner felt sorry for grandpa and let him keep the old castle and useless part of the kingdom. Especially since the winner could take the otherwise useless gift off his income tax with fifty years of depreciation.

The only thing the remaining subjects could think to do was banish grandpa and name his son as King Edwinda the first. It wasn't so much that the subjects liked the son, but they were used to kings and needed someone to keep up the old castle. The one thing in Edwinda's favor, besides his nonalcoholic blood, were his kingly looks and bearing. He had been a handsome young lad at the time.

Edwinda the first had rapidly become a drunk like his father, and had died from his own homemade hooch. Edwinda the second had no choice but to take over at the age of sixteen.

***

"Come on, I swept the north wing yesterday," King Edwina II begged his sister, Kate, "It's your turn to sweep out the south."

"I don't give a darn. Let the dust collect. It and spiderwebs are the only things holding this dump together." 

She ate her breakfast of simmered boot sole seasoned with salty grass from their kingdom. They still owned a couple of storerooms of soldier's gear to eat. After that, they would probably have to try rock soup, with many types and varieties to choose from. It was a very poor kingdom.

"I have to go out and look for work," Edwina said. He had been putting it off since his father died. "There must be some sort of job for an inexperienced king. Maybe if I dress in my best finery and look for employment in Popsville?"

"Try to find yourself a dumb wizard and con him into coming here," Kate suggested. "A kingdom needs at least one. And you'll have to find another pair of shoes. Didn't you even notice? We ate yours the other day."

The king debated on whether to wear his crown, but decided on a baseball cap instead. The crown just didn't look the same with its jewels pawned and gold scraped off. He found a pair of combat-boots in the larder and began the long walk to town.

"Hey you, the king." 

Edwinda turned around and saw Sir Thomas calling to him. Sir Thomas lived in one of the better grass huts in the kingdom. Actually about three-fourths of the serfs in the kingdom had been knighted by Papa the First. It was an easy way to get a few shekels to get drunk on. The rest would have but coulldn’t spare the shekels. 

"What's up, Sir Thomas?"

"You going to town, Eddy?" Sir Thomas asked. "I need a new plow. I'll pay you ten shekels if you get one for me. The rocks busted my good one and I gotta use the backup." Thomas was perhaps the most industrious of the king's subjects. He even attempted to grow crops on his land.

"Sure, if I can use your wagon. I'm not going to carry it back on my shoulders."

Sir Thomas had to think that over a few seconds. He would never had loaned the guy's father or grandfather anything valuable, but he hadn't heard any bad rumors about the kid king -- yet.

"Sure, but be careful with Harry, my plow horse. I need him at the farm." An agreement reluctantly reached, they went to get the horse and wagon.

Horse, wagon, king, and over a hundred shekels headed for town.  It was a slow and bumpy ride behind a plow-horse who seemed more interested in checking out the countryside than in moving smartly. It was worse when they left the kingdom and got to real green grass. 

Harry stopped to graze and King Edwina couldn't get him moving until the half-starved animal had his fill. The king finally gave up and let Harry graze while he, himself, took a nap under a handy tree.

The king woke from Harry nuzzling him and nodding his head at the youth, as though signaling, "Let's get going, Buddy."

Getting up and stretching, the king climbed back onto the wagon, which was already starting to move.

"Who's running this thing, you or me?" Edwina yelled at Harry, who looked back and whinnied. They continued to Popsville.

It was a large town of several-thousand mostly poor souls, a farming community. The mini-metropolis contained two grocery stores, six bars, a casino, two cathouses, a shoe repair and a specialty store. All were clustered together on four dirt-streets.

The first thing King Edwina did was buy a plow. After putting it in the wagon, he went to all the businesses to look for work. The only offer he got was from one of the cathouses, which he promptly refused. He hated the idea of a king wearing lipstick and pink panties. 

The king's last stop was the Bigtown Specialty Shop at the edge of town. "I might as well buy some real food, or at least a bottle of Tabasco sauce to put on boiled boots," he muttered to himself. After counting his few remaining shekels, he went inside. 

The king heard a sweet female voice talking to the clerk. 

"Are you sure there aren't any fly teeth mixed into these gnat knees?" 

He didn't see anyone, even though he looked all around the store.

"How the heck do I know?" The clerk spoke into thin air in front of the counter. "I just sell the stuff. I don't sort it. With my eyesight, the only way I could tell is to taste them, and I ain't about to do that." He heard the old woman behind the counter talking to someone -- an invisible someone.

King Edwina II walked closer and swept both arms out, searching. When his right one encountered something soft that let out a feminine yelp, he closed his hand on what seemed to be a soft and globular object covered with cloth.

Wham! He felt something invisible slap his face, knocking his baseball cap askew. 

"You pervert. That's no way to treat a lady." 

That someone then slapped his other cheek, knocking the cap straight again, then back and forth, as though she were having fun.  

"Stop that! I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He ducked his head, only to get a foot in the rear.

"I couldn't resist." The voice giggled from behind him. A moment later, he saw a pile of shekels appear and fall to the counter. The paper bag containing, hopefully, gnat knees was picked up.

By that time the king knew what to do. He grabbed the invisible woman from behind, carefully avoiding her invisible breasts, and held on.

"I want ten shekels worth of Tabasco sauce, please," he told the clerk, who seemed amused by the whole episode.

"Yessir, your Majesty." She put four bottles into a bag and handed it across the counter. King Eddy gave her his money and picked up the purchase, still holding tightly to an invisible figure that was no longer struggling. She had stopped when she heard him addressed as "your Majesty."

"Are you a Prince, really?" the invisible female asked in impressed wonder. "I never met a real Prince before."

"And you still haven't," he told her, picking her up and carrying girl, Tabasco sauce, and gnat knees out of the store. "I'm a king. King Edwina II of Elwind."

"Ew, weeee! A king yet." She yelped again, managing to turn around in his arms, "My name's Dalena, and I'm a sorceress. I always wanted to meet a real king. I mean besides the one my father works for, that is."

"Well, I have to tell you, I'm not much of a king," he had to admit, being an honest king -- the most honest one in the kingdom.

"Sure, but I'm not much of a sorceress, either. We make a good match, don't you think?"

He wasn't so sure. What would she look like? After all, beautiful sorceresses didn't go shopping while invisible, did they?

"We'll have to see. Turn visible for a minute and I'll tell you." King Edwina wasn't a dunce.

"Oh, it'll wear off pretty soon. I messed up, is what happened. I stopped to clear my throat in the middle of an incantation to fertilize a corn crop and ended up this way. Then, when I tried again, I spilled the entire bottle of gnat knees." She sighed, pressing against him, that time not complaining about her breasts being compressed. "I wanted to replace them before Papa found out." 

"If I had the money I'd buy you a drink, but I don't have any left," the king admitted. He led her to the wagon and Harry.

"Did you know one gnat knee, properly applied, can fertilize an acre of corn?" She tried to make conversation. When he didn't answer, she told him, "If you want a drink I can get you one. Just let me go for a minute."

Figuring he couldn't hold her forever and with his back to the wagon she couldn't kick him in the butt again, he released her. He saw her bag float to the wagon seat.

"I'll be back in a few minutes. Wait here," she said.

True to her word, a few minutes later a bottle of authentic store-bought whiskey appeared in front of him. They sat, or at least he assumed she did, on the wagon seat and had a few swigs. A couple of cigars appeared as if by magic and lit themselves. One continued floating in the air over the seat, the other hovering near his face.

"At least I can get that spell right. Papa always has me light his," she told him proudly. 

He told her his troubles while she recited how she had graduated last in her class at Sorcery School. Now she was also out looking for a job.

"I need a Castle Sorcerer, a good one," he admitted. "But for what I can pay -- nothing -- any one will do."

"Oh, goody. And I need a job." She yelped again, a real yelper. "Wait'll I tell my family I have a job as a Castle Sorceress. And on my first interview." She, you guessed it, yelped again. "My class will be sooo jealous."

As they talked, he saw her ever so slowly take shape -- and a good shape it was. The girl was young, tall and gawky, with buck teeth -- but a good-looking girl nonetheless.  Harry stood waiting, chomping grass and appearing unconcerned. 

Until King Edwina picked up the traces, that is. Then Harry stood, shaking his head as if to say, "Wait a minute, buddy. I didn't sign on for all this weight. Leave the bimbo and let's get on home."

Sensing his denial, Dalena waved her hand and a large bundle of ripe wheat appeared. Getting out, she offered it to the horse, who started chomping happily. After that, Harry made no objections about taking them to the castle. He then made his own way home, several bundles of conjured wheat in the back next to the new plow.

It didn't take long before the kingdom of Elwind was producing the most marvelous crop of marijuana, the best in the area. The soil was perfect for its growth. The kingdom was again profitable. Princess Kate was invited to all the social functions and the king and his sorceress lived happily ever after.

The End.
Oscar Rat

© 2019 OscarRat


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Added on November 19, 2019
Last Updated on November 19, 2019
Tags: King, humor, wizard

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OscarRat
OscarRat

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A Story by OscarRat