You're face to face with greatness and its strange
You don't even know how you feel
Its adorable
It's nice to see humans never change
Open your eyes
Lets begin
Yes its really me
B r e a t h e i t i n
June 15th, 2011.
A soft rain fell from a big grey sky.
As my parents, aunt and uncle sat around the table playing dominos, I left the house craving adventure.
As I took off, the clouds grew darker and thunder rumbled in the distance.
Wind picked up, pushing my back, guiding me, forcing me down a sidewalk.
The humid summer air turned ice cold and rain fell harder.
Jogging down the road and racing a storm, I spotted shelter.
Bounding up red brick stairs, I hoped the doors of this museum nestled in downtown, Door County were open.
Narrowly escaping the storm, I yanked the door and to my joy it flew open.
Stumbling inside, I was greeted with warm dry air.
Catching my breath I looked around.
There was no one to be seen.
There was no light on.
Nothing. Not a trace of life.
Outside lighting stuck and thunder boomed making me jump.
The noise highlighted just how strangely silent the museum was.
The old wooden floor creaked as I tip toed around eyeing history and pictures.
"Can I help you?" I jumped again out of my skin as an older woman appeared standing behind the front desk.
I politely shook my head and said no.
As I gazed at a painting, she continued to stand behind the desk.
She didn't say a word, but out of the corner of my eye, I noticed her stare at me as If I were from a gang.
What did she think I was going to do? Burn the place down? Steal something? Set a bomb off?
I walked over to a table in the corner. Above it, was a sign that said free.
I got excited. Free stuff!! Free stuff was always fun.
The only thing left on the table was a tiny statue of a nude man.
Giggling to myself, I picked the man up and brushed my fingers across his small smooth body.
Holding him, I smiled nervously and tried to speak - "If only all men were this smooth!" I turned around to look at her - and received no smile or chuckle back.
"We close at four." shemumbled giving me a sour look and briskly walked away.
Well.
That was awkward.
Where did she go? What was her deal? Did I seriously look like a dangerous girl?
Maybe she secretly wanted the small statue.
This museum wasn't big - but she seemed to disappear.
After a few minutes she returned.
Where are you from? she asked.
I replied carefully. I'm from Madison - but my mother grew up here. We're visiting my aunt Kathleen down the road.
The woman took off her glasses frowning.
Who is your mother?
My mother is Elizabeth Smith.
What was her maiden name?
Harold.
The woman's eyes grew wide.
She looked as if she was hit by a wall of shock.
She continued to stare at me, as she slowly glided from behind the desk towards me.
I backed away. Her eyes were abnormally wide now.
I stared back at her.
Her mouth gaped open - and she began to stutter:
If Elizabeth Harold is your mother....wait.
She practically ran out of the room.
This was the weirdest place ever.
The woman returned holding an enormous old brown book.
She flipped through the pages and covering her mouth.
She gawked at me for an uncomfortably long time.
If you are the daughter of Elizabeth Harold...you are the granddaughter of....of...of CHAN HAROLD!!
She was hysterical now.
Throwing her hands up in the hair she beamed.
Welcome!You must see this exhibit!
Before I could reply, she went skipping down the hallway squealing with glee.
Down some stairs and around a corner, I finally caught up.
We stood in front of glass.
Behind the glass there was a typewriter, a chair, some portraits, documents and papers.
I recognized pictures of my grandfather and my great grandfather before him.
The woman smiled and excitedly pointed to an office chair.
She turned to me and said: "Thats THE chair your grandfather died in!"
With that, she walked away and I stood alone trying to figure out what was stranger.
The fact they kept my grandfathers office chair - or that the woman seemed oddly excited that he died in it.
Before I left, the woman made me sign the brown book and snap a picture with her.
She was as happy as a kid on Christmas.
Thank you so much for coming in! She sqeaked.
I smiled as I walked out.
You're welcome!
I felt famous.
As I told my mother, she smiled proudly.
Don't you know Kathryn? You're like royalty here.
This is Door County after all.
It's your home. It's where it all began.
Its your bloodline.
(My grandfather - and my great grandfathers were responsible for creating Door County, Wisconsin. A place millions of tourists now enjoy. It's a magical place of enchantment. Light houses stun and the waters wink glittering in sun. Its a place where oar boats sound, good food is eaten and families flock to catch a glimpse of paradise.)
Never start with a weather report, because it’s a guaranteed instant rejection. That’s partly because it’s the author reporting, not the protagonist noticing. And since you're not in the story...
• As my parents, aunt and uncle sat around the table playing dominos
Avoid, “as” where you can because it implies a relationship between the acts. But as the character leaves she can’t see the room and for all she knows they're wrestling. Only the one making up the story knows the things she can't see, and you're not in the story. The true relationship in this is that she didn’t want to join them, so that’s the one you mention. If she's our protagonist she can only know what she deduces and experiences. So that's all you can mention in the POV you've chosen.
• As I took off, the clouds grew darker and thunder rumbled in the distance.
Another false parallel. “Taking off” ends with the first step and turns to “took off.” As worded, at the moment this person left the house the skies abruptly darkened. There’s no sense of scale or time here, but there must be, because to be real, we need to be with the protagonist, not the storyteller. We should be experiencing (not hearing about) the moment the character calls now. Anything else and the story is being told in synopsis. And that’s history, not story.
• Wind picked up, pushing my back, guiding me, forcing me down a sidewalk.
Been there, when I was eight. But as an adult it only urges, it doesn’t push. So how old is this person? A child? A teen? Married with kids? No way to tell, because you’re narrating plot points, not story. If this person is to be my avatar, shouldn’t I at least know them well enough to know what the person thinks is adventure? Shouldn’t I know where I am in time and space? Shouldn’t I have a reason to care about the protagonist? Shouldn’t I know where he or she is bound? Hell, shouldn’t I know my gender? You reveal that way too late.
My point is that you’re telling what’s happening, without placing the reader into the story.
• The humid summer air turned ice cold and rain fell harder.
With no time scale this happened in an instant, which of course, it can't. You’re giving an overview. Again, history not story. And she's following the script, acting on command. She made no decision to go where she did. And if the wind actually drove her, she would have wondered about why it seems to be doing that. Wouldn't you?
Here’s the deal. The story belongs to the one living it, not the one talking about it. It happens in the moment the character calls now. The moment you begin to talk in overview, story stops and any momentum your scene might have evaporates. I cannot stress this strongly enough: You’re not telling the reader a story. They can neither hear your voice nor view your performance because the medium won’t support it. Instead, you are, or should be, presenting it as-it-happens. Tell about it and, like history, it’s immutable, a report, and exactly as interesting as any other history, or report. But place the reader into the moment that character calls now and the future is uncertain, and something to wonder about, and want to know more about.
• Narrowly escaping the storm,
Here we have the result of an outside-in approach. It was raining when the character left. It turned to a downpour at some point. Yet she “escaped the storm?” Had you let her do the thinking, she would have looked outside, seen the rain, and decided still decided to leave, in any case. But she would have had a destination in mind that was sheltered. But if she truly wanted to wander, nowing that it’s raining, and as cloudy as it is, she’d have taken an umbrella or raingear and a hood. Her worrying about, or at least protecting, or deciding she was going to wash it that night in any case, her hair would have told us her gender, something we should know if she’s to be our avatar. Yes, I know you’re using first person pronouns, but that changes nothing, because using “I” instead of “she” on a line changes it not at all, and ot doesn’t magically make the narrator into her. Remember, the narrator and the protagonist live at different times, and cannot appear on stage together. So the narrator can no more explain the story to the reader in first person than third. You might want to read the article, Inside Out in my writing blog. It will clarify.
The problem is, you’re telling the story, using the writing skills we all learn in our school days. But remember all those reports and essays we had to write? Their purpose was to make us skillful in the kind of writing our future employers require, not give us the skill of professional fiction writer.
So it’s not a failing in you, or a matter of talent or good/bad writing. It’s that because you’re missing the tricks of the trade the pros take for granted, you’re using what you know, verbal storytelling techniques, which can’t work, for reasons I mentioned, above. And that’s fixable. It might be nice if the reading we do could teach us what we need, but in reading we see the product, polished and free of flaws. To create the product ourselves we need to know what potential flaws are, and how to avoid them. In other words, we need the process. And as in any other profession, that comes through study and practice.
The good news is that if you truly are meant to be a writer, the learning will be like going backstage at the theater—and filled with things that make you say, "Why didn't I think of that?"
For an overview of the field you might want to poke around in the writing section of my blog. But for the in depth knowledge you need the library’s fiction writing section. Lots of good information to be found there. My personal recommendation is to seek the names of Dwight Swain, Jack Bickham, or Debra Dixon on the cover. Better still, pick up a book that you can take your time reading, and refer to at any time.
Based on your current level, I’d suggest Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict for a grounding in the nuts and bolts of the profession. Then, about six months later, pick up Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer. It covers much the same points Deb’s book does, but to a greater depth.
Whatever you decide to do though, hang in there, and keep on writing.
Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/
Posted 7 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
7 Years Ago
Thanks so much for the review! :) This is very helpful. I am just writing for fun...not to be picked.. read moreThanks so much for the review! :) This is very helpful. I am just writing for fun...not to be picked up by a publisher or anything. lol Just for kicks. ;)
oh and..this is all true..it happened to me. :) I am writing about myself a few years ago. lol
7 Years Ago
Matters not if you're not serious about writing. Anyone who reads it will use the reading skills dev.. read moreMatters not if you're not serious about writing. Anyone who reads it will use the reading skills developed by reading professionally written work. So if we don't write to that model, the story as you visualize it won't be what the reader recognizes as fiction.
Obviously, you do want people to read and enjoy your words. The number of pieces you've posted attest to that. So you spend a fair amount of time at the keyboard. I applaud that, given that I do the same. But at the same time, we have an implied contract with our reader.They give us our time, and we make the reading worth that gift.
And given that, how can we not put a bit of time aside to learn how best to fulfill that contract?
Try it. If you enjoy the writing now, with some tricks of the trade you'll love it.
Super cool story! I love the photos too, that looks like a place I could walk around and enjoy for months before I started missing the southern coast :)
Never start with a weather report, because it’s a guaranteed instant rejection. That’s partly because it’s the author reporting, not the protagonist noticing. And since you're not in the story...
• As my parents, aunt and uncle sat around the table playing dominos
Avoid, “as” where you can because it implies a relationship between the acts. But as the character leaves she can’t see the room and for all she knows they're wrestling. Only the one making up the story knows the things she can't see, and you're not in the story. The true relationship in this is that she didn’t want to join them, so that’s the one you mention. If she's our protagonist she can only know what she deduces and experiences. So that's all you can mention in the POV you've chosen.
• As I took off, the clouds grew darker and thunder rumbled in the distance.
Another false parallel. “Taking off” ends with the first step and turns to “took off.” As worded, at the moment this person left the house the skies abruptly darkened. There’s no sense of scale or time here, but there must be, because to be real, we need to be with the protagonist, not the storyteller. We should be experiencing (not hearing about) the moment the character calls now. Anything else and the story is being told in synopsis. And that’s history, not story.
• Wind picked up, pushing my back, guiding me, forcing me down a sidewalk.
Been there, when I was eight. But as an adult it only urges, it doesn’t push. So how old is this person? A child? A teen? Married with kids? No way to tell, because you’re narrating plot points, not story. If this person is to be my avatar, shouldn’t I at least know them well enough to know what the person thinks is adventure? Shouldn’t I know where I am in time and space? Shouldn’t I have a reason to care about the protagonist? Shouldn’t I know where he or she is bound? Hell, shouldn’t I know my gender? You reveal that way too late.
My point is that you’re telling what’s happening, without placing the reader into the story.
• The humid summer air turned ice cold and rain fell harder.
With no time scale this happened in an instant, which of course, it can't. You’re giving an overview. Again, history not story. And she's following the script, acting on command. She made no decision to go where she did. And if the wind actually drove her, she would have wondered about why it seems to be doing that. Wouldn't you?
Here’s the deal. The story belongs to the one living it, not the one talking about it. It happens in the moment the character calls now. The moment you begin to talk in overview, story stops and any momentum your scene might have evaporates. I cannot stress this strongly enough: You’re not telling the reader a story. They can neither hear your voice nor view your performance because the medium won’t support it. Instead, you are, or should be, presenting it as-it-happens. Tell about it and, like history, it’s immutable, a report, and exactly as interesting as any other history, or report. But place the reader into the moment that character calls now and the future is uncertain, and something to wonder about, and want to know more about.
• Narrowly escaping the storm,
Here we have the result of an outside-in approach. It was raining when the character left. It turned to a downpour at some point. Yet she “escaped the storm?” Had you let her do the thinking, she would have looked outside, seen the rain, and decided still decided to leave, in any case. But she would have had a destination in mind that was sheltered. But if she truly wanted to wander, nowing that it’s raining, and as cloudy as it is, she’d have taken an umbrella or raingear and a hood. Her worrying about, or at least protecting, or deciding she was going to wash it that night in any case, her hair would have told us her gender, something we should know if she’s to be our avatar. Yes, I know you’re using first person pronouns, but that changes nothing, because using “I” instead of “she” on a line changes it not at all, and ot doesn’t magically make the narrator into her. Remember, the narrator and the protagonist live at different times, and cannot appear on stage together. So the narrator can no more explain the story to the reader in first person than third. You might want to read the article, Inside Out in my writing blog. It will clarify.
The problem is, you’re telling the story, using the writing skills we all learn in our school days. But remember all those reports and essays we had to write? Their purpose was to make us skillful in the kind of writing our future employers require, not give us the skill of professional fiction writer.
So it’s not a failing in you, or a matter of talent or good/bad writing. It’s that because you’re missing the tricks of the trade the pros take for granted, you’re using what you know, verbal storytelling techniques, which can’t work, for reasons I mentioned, above. And that’s fixable. It might be nice if the reading we do could teach us what we need, but in reading we see the product, polished and free of flaws. To create the product ourselves we need to know what potential flaws are, and how to avoid them. In other words, we need the process. And as in any other profession, that comes through study and practice.
The good news is that if you truly are meant to be a writer, the learning will be like going backstage at the theater—and filled with things that make you say, "Why didn't I think of that?"
For an overview of the field you might want to poke around in the writing section of my blog. But for the in depth knowledge you need the library’s fiction writing section. Lots of good information to be found there. My personal recommendation is to seek the names of Dwight Swain, Jack Bickham, or Debra Dixon on the cover. Better still, pick up a book that you can take your time reading, and refer to at any time.
Based on your current level, I’d suggest Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict for a grounding in the nuts and bolts of the profession. Then, about six months later, pick up Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer. It covers much the same points Deb’s book does, but to a greater depth.
Whatever you decide to do though, hang in there, and keep on writing.
Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/
Posted 7 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
7 Years Ago
Thanks so much for the review! :) This is very helpful. I am just writing for fun...not to be picked.. read moreThanks so much for the review! :) This is very helpful. I am just writing for fun...not to be picked up by a publisher or anything. lol Just for kicks. ;)
oh and..this is all true..it happened to me. :) I am writing about myself a few years ago. lol
7 Years Ago
Matters not if you're not serious about writing. Anyone who reads it will use the reading skills dev.. read moreMatters not if you're not serious about writing. Anyone who reads it will use the reading skills developed by reading professionally written work. So if we don't write to that model, the story as you visualize it won't be what the reader recognizes as fiction.
Obviously, you do want people to read and enjoy your words. The number of pieces you've posted attest to that. So you spend a fair amount of time at the keyboard. I applaud that, given that I do the same. But at the same time, we have an implied contract with our reader.They give us our time, and we make the reading worth that gift.
And given that, how can we not put a bit of time aside to learn how best to fulfill that contract?
Try it. If you enjoy the writing now, with some tricks of the trade you'll love it.
We all have history that if we investigate long enough could lead us to an interesting place or relationship to someone famous..or even someone so evil we would never admit it. Valentine
Beautiful photos and amazing story dear friend. I enjoyed the places and the conversation in the story. Thank you Kathryn for sharing your always entertaining story.
Coyote
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