Night Thought

A lot of things go through my mind at night. This writing talks about how it feels to be in my mind at night.

I don't know what to do anymore. I do so much s**t that f***s up my life and I have no idea why I do it. I have a good life compared to a lot of people. I'm not poor, I'm beautiful, my family love me. I literally have a perfect life, so I don't know whats wrong with me. Every night I can't sleep because I think about all the things I've fucked up on. I do the worst things. I sneak out, drink, smoke, f**k random guys I don't even know. For no reason. It f***s me over every time and I still do it. For NO REASON. I don't need to do any of that s**t. but it gives me such a high. I ran away from home once because of some s**t that happened and I loved it. I have no regrets for doing it at all. It hurt my whole family so much, but I didn't care. I know I should care, but I don't. I would do it again, but I know it would f**k up my life even more then it already is. All the other s**t does to but I guess it feels different to me. I've gotten caught doing almost everything and have gotten in trouble for it. But yet I still drink, smoke, f**k random a*s guys and I can't stop. It is ruining my life. I can't sleep at all, my mind never shuts off. But when I'm doing all that stuff in the moment I feel happy. I feel for once I don't have to worry about anyone or any thing. I just get to have fun and not give a f**k. But if it is hurting me so much after I did it, why do i keep doing it? Sometimes I feel like I don't care about what happens to me. I put myself in dangerous situations but I don't even care about what happens to me. When I roam the streets with all the crackheads at night, it does't scare me. That should scare me, but it doesn't. I don't think that's a normal thing that a teenage should feel. Some stuff has happened that it hurts so much to talk about because I'm embarrassed that I even did what I did. I've been feeling like I'm such a burden on so many people. I can't f*****g do anything right. Every new person/ adult I meet is always telling me that I'm such a great girl and that they are proud of me. They shouldn't be saying any of that s**t. I'm a f*****g waste of oxygen. I'm always feeling sad, guilty, depressed because I can't do anything right. I've tried to get rid of the pain but cutting myself but that s**t does nothing. My mind is always telling me that I'm a piece of s**t. At night is that hardest to ignore the thoughts. I have no idea why. Maybe it's because I'm alone and by myself. I wonder if other people have he same problems I do or if I'm just over-reacting. I know I'm not the only person. A lot of the time it feels like it though. I do have people that I talk too and text. But tonight, for example, I was crying and s**t, which I rarely do. I wanted to call someone to calm me down but I felt like I had no one to talk to seriously about my problems. I know for a fact everyone feels that way at some point in their life. But that doesn't mean it is any less hard to deal with. Nothing about life is easy I guess.  

Author's Note

Just read and tell me your thoughts.